Disclaimer: Yes SWAT never made it to this fundraiser so basically anything she helped Shakes come up with in this blog post is 50% nonsense, and 50% pure crap, but she's convinced that she's earned her heckling rights.
We all learned a lot on Saturday, January 26 when Tristan graced us with his presence at the DublinDown330 fundraiser for Grassroot Soccer. Keeping in mind that we are rarely serious on this blog, we will leave it to you to decide how to interpret it and why we chose 13.4 and not 14, 15, etc. By now, you should know that we never do things the normal way. So here are the 13.4 things we learned that day.
1. He looks really good up close. Glowingly smooth skin, killer smile, deliciousness in all its forms...ummm, we probably don’t need to elaborate anymore. Don't feel like hanging out in the dungeon tonight.
2. SWAT needed to be there to see if our opinions of how good he looks are accurate, but then I (Shakes) remembered that SWAT would be the first ‘’thud-ee” and realized we could just put her in a chair in the corner and let her watch and drool. She would have been the first casualty of the evening when she fell out of her chair. Then Tristan would have had to haul her to the E.R. fireman style, so maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. The photo op for that alone would have been worth it.
3.The northeast U.S. experienced its first major earthquake in a long time when Tristan did his Samba step, or whatever step it was that we thought was a Samba step. This was due to the collective thudding that probably led to something like a major axis tilt or another fault line or something equally scientific. It will probably also lead to a tsunami or create a storm system that will go down in history as Superstorm MacThud.
4. Tristan’s female supporters can drink a whole lot of white wine in a very short period of time. Just ask Ripley.
5. Lincap must truly have the luck of the Irish because she got not one, but two, personal photo opportunities because of a “shadow on the photo.” We think she bribed the photographer and the security guys.
6. Teal Ribbon has a DNA story that she isn’t telling. Shakes knows the story and thinks that MGM is probably going to want the movie rights. What Teal doesn't know is that entire thing was caught on film and will be used as necessary. :)
7. Patty and Stacy are ringers. There’s no way they could have learned a dance that fast and perfected it without being Nicole Scherzinger-type ringers. Boo Hiss.
8. The MacManiacs and Giggle Pants (LL from DublinDown330) are a wild and crazy bunch. SWAT might not have been there but she caused trouble from afar. We will all swear to that in court too.
9. Out of Tea is hilarious. So are Teal, Patty, and every one of the MacManiacs.
10. Tristan’s tattoos are sexy. You should see the really large close-up photo Shakes has seen of them. *evil laugh* (and I ain't sharin'---mwahahahaha)
11. He looks 12 feet tall on tv and even though he might not look that big in person, he had a whole lot of women swooning and drooling and having heart palpitations after the one-on-one in the meet and greet. We made the EMTs go to this thing incognito as to not alarm everyone, but we were expecting at least one heart related medical emergency and wanted to be prepared. We had at least 36 heart related emergencies. Good thing we prepared.
12. Not everybody has the dvd Burn the Floor: The New Show – Floor Play. I know, we were shocked as hell about that.
13. Photos do not do Tristan justice, but we think we need to verify that by using the scientific method so we’re going on a road trip to make sure. Yoo hoo, Tristan? We’re on the way! SWAT didn’t get to wear her green sparkly tutu in Princeton, so she spent the time sewing more sequins on it for the next road trip. Never mind that it now weighs more than the puddle jumper.
13.1 Tristan had nothing to do with choosing the dance for the lesson. Patty's first dance style choice was the Lambada. Stacy really wanted to dance the Lambada too but decided to behave and not scare Tristan off. They agreed on the Cha Cha so that so they could be Nancy Grace. Stacy had even brought a pair of suspenders for Tristan to wear for the occasion (she knew she was going to win, we’re positive – otherwise, why bring suspenders?) but the emcee swiped them because he felt it made him look even more like Tristan. True Story. (Well, in SWAT's mind anyway)
13.2. Nothing was as it seemed. What really happened was that SWAT made it to Princeton, Shakes ended up looking breathtaking in her evening gown, Minolo Blahniks, and perfectly coiffed hair and was prepared when she first met Tristan (instead of never getting to change clothes, do the hair, put on makeup, or look stunning), and we got to do the dance lesson instead of those cheaters Patty and Stacy. I mean really. We know that they had to have cheated. We’re positive we should have won. So what if we didn’t enter and SWAT wasn't there? We wuz robbed.
13.3. Teal Ribbon is secretly a bodybuilder and personal trainer to the stars. You should see how much stuff she could carry to Shakes’ car in one trip. Amazing.
13.4 The most important thing we learned? That this whole thing was definite inspiration for a new road trip series. Watch out….March is just around the corner and while for some of you, that might mean DWTS. For SWAT and Shakes? The first thought was McDonald's and Shamrock Shakes and you know what happened last time….