We don’t think that you can ever speculate too much about an upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars, and since our imaginations have already gone a little haywire, we decided to come up with our own very lengthy lists of potential celebrities for our #1 pro – Tristan MacManus. We didn’t check each other’s lists, so excuse any overlap. The only name that was off limits was the number one celebrity on each list, and there was no chance of us stepping on each other’s toes because Shakes had never even heard of SWAT’s #1 celebrity choice. Maybe if she watched the Cooking Channel she would recognize the celebrity and finally figure out how to cook too, but that’s another story for another time. We revealed the top choices to each other in advance, but everything else was a surprise. So here you have our individual choices of 10 celebrities who we think would be perfect for Tristan in Season 17.
10 celebrities for Tristan – Shakes style
Just a warning… I stole some of your ideas from our Fans’ Favorites poll, and I borrowed a great adjective from Mrs. ATA. You guys gave me a lot of inspiration.
The absolute perfect choice for a partner for Tristan is the exotically beautiful and extraordinarily talented pairs skater Ekaterina Gordeeva. She was the one we mentioned in our last blog, and the one we can’t get out of our mind. She is 5’1”, 41 years old, graceful, musical, artistic, and with such beautiful lines that she is unmatched. She can play a role, she is feisty, and this is our idea of a perfect dancing match. She and Tristan would be our Dream Team. Big time. If the MacManiacs heard this woman announced as Tristan’s partner, there would probably be so much noise resulting from our happy dances that the earth would tremble and result in all kind of disasters, but we just wouldn’t be able to help ourselves. The idea is just that delicious.
The best of the rest, in no particular order…
Dominique Moceanu – Age 31, 5’3” – Yes. I chose another athlete because I loved Tristan’s interaction with the one athlete he has had as a partner – even if we only got to see them together for a couple of very short weeks. Tristan and an athlete are DWTS heaven. Dominique is feisty and talented, and we think she and Tristan would have a blast together, yet they wouldn’t take themselves too seriously. Not too old, not too young, athletic yet artistic. What’s not to love?
Mia Hamm – Age 41, 5’5” - The chances are slim to none that this would ever happen, but can you imagine the horsing around she and Tristan would do in rehearsals? They would probably play more football than practice the Foxtrot, but we can see them eventually settling down and getting down to business and turning up the heat, and we might have the added bonus of seeing Nomar Garciaparra in the audience every week.
Alicia Sacramone - 5’1” age 25 – Alicia is probably the most artistic of all the gymnasts in recent years. She’s sexy, she’s beautiful, and she’s fun. She’s also retired from gymnastics, and she’s not 16, 18, or 20. I am definitely in favor of this one. The age is right, and she can play any role Tristan gives her. I think we would see a whole lot of sizzle but also just enough athleticism to make for a very interesting freestyle. Oh, didn’t we mention that this gymnast would no doubt make it to the finale not only because she has the skills, but also because she would have the pro that is going to pull out all the stops and have her dancing to a little Empire Saints?
Tiffani Thiessen – Age 39. 5’5” tall. This seems just about perfect to me. Beautiful, sensuous, and an actress. She is a bit edgy, did we mention beautiful? We vote for a Week 1 Rumba. Tristan could teach Ms. Thiessen how to move the hips in less than three seconds, and we would all melt into a puddle of good in five..
Finola Hughes – Age 53, 5’5” – Ringer, ringer, ringer, ringer. Who cares if she is 53 years old? We all kow that ABC is likely to pair Tristan with a “more mature” celebrity, and we say Finola Hughes would be a lock for a mirrorball, but only if she was paired with Mr. MacManus. The British actress and the Irish heartthrob would not only spontaneously combust but probably create a whole new branch of chemistry. Organic chemistry. Inorganic chemistry. Analytical Chemistry. Physical Chemistry. I think “physical chemistry” was just redefined.
Nadia Comaneci – Age 51, 5’5” – What’s not to love about this pairing? She’s a knockout, she’s an athlete, she’s loved worldwide, and she’s a gymnastics legend, much as Dorothy Hamill is a figure skating legend. I wouldn’t mind seeing Bart Connor in the audience either. She is also, age wise, a celebrity likely to be paired with Tristan. We like the pairing because they would win. Why? Because they could be intense, yet fun, passionate, but believable.
Piper Perabo – Age 36, 5’6” – Since Coyote Ugly we’ve loved her, and her beauty and skills just might translate into something magical on the dance floor. Beautiful, sexy, sensuous. She’s a great actress and she’s beautiful, but she also has the look of the All-American girl that would win the hearts of everybody. If she can dance that well on the bar at Coyote Ugly, we imagine Tristan would soon turn her into the best of the best in the ballroom. And then there’ the Samba possibility….or the Lambada…Bolero…Rooomba.
Emmanuelle Chrique – Age 35, 5’3” – She was on our wish list for Season 16, and we still haven’t forgotten her. She’s a stunner. Does anybody but me remember seeing her in “On the Line” with Lance Bass years ago? Okay, that was hardly a blockbuster, but she made an impression on us then, and we want her on DWTS now.
Katarina Witt – Age 47, 5’5” – Katarina is the one duplicate on our lists, and there is very little wrong with this potential pairing. Sexy, sultry, sensuous, scintillating, and even sybaritic, this possibility takes our breath away. Yes, I love alliteration, but this is nothing new. I could go on forever. Just imagine what will happen after Week 1 when we come up with delicious descriptions of that Cha Cha. We will use words like titillating, tantalizing, tempting, taunting, and (thanks to Mrs. ATA for the idea) transcendent. And that’s just the beginning.
10 celebrities for Tristan – SWAT style
Nadia G – I often find myself channel surfing, and most of the time I land on the Cooking Channel. Enter Nadia G and her strange, yet rather interesting show "Nadia G's Bitchin' Kitchen.” For those who do not know her, she's a Rockabilly Biker Chick that has some major chef skills. She even has a tough gal New Yorker meets Canadian accent which kind of grates on your nerves but the more you watch her the more you start thinking, “Dang. She’s kind of hot.” I would love to see her dance with Tristan. Both of them have tattoos and plenty of sass and spunk and would make one of the most entertaining partnerships DWTS has ever seen. Just think about it, and give the idea a chance.
Katarina Witt - This is the only duplicate on our lists, and considering we share a brainstem, we’re pretty surprised about that. This woman is one sultry mama. Not only is she athletic and no doubt graceful from all her years of figure skating, but she also radiates raw sexual energy. Just think of how Tristan and Katarina would smolder during a passionate Argentine Tango. Yeah, I almost went *thud* too.
Candace Cameron Bure - So Candace is a little on the conservative side but she's perky, and fun and gorgeous in that girl next door kind of way. Tristan is amazing at choreographing around his partners strengths and weaknesses so there is no doubt that he could churn out a romantic, yet tasteful Rumba for him and Candace. Partner their sweet charisma with a healthy dose of nostalgic fan votes and this could be a winning team.
Patricia Arquette - This might seems like an odd match up but we all rather liked David Arquette when he was on the show so who says that we couldn't get into the idea of his sister following in his DWTS footsteps? Patricia has always seemed a little shy and reserved, but I'd like to see her fun side come out in the rehearsal footage. If anyone can make her feel at ease and enjoy herself on the show, it's Tristan. No doubt he'd have her laughing in no time once he teaches her the "tird" step.
Lori Laughlin - Like Candace, Lori has nostalgia working in her favor, but I think there could be something here. Lori and Tristan could get together and fill that "Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky" void we've been suffering since Full House ended. Tristan is the gorgeous nice guy rebel with tattoos, and Lori is well....Lori. These two would be an awesome team. Contrasts work and they can also create passion and amazing chemistry. This is one of those examples.
Molly Ringwald - Why haven' we had a member of the Brat Pack on the show yet? Again this would be a girl next door/boy next door marriage in Breakfast Club heaven. Want to bet we'd be seeing a ballroom dance to "Simple Minds,” and this time minus Kate Gosselin. Add an 80's theme week and hello MBT!
Tatyana Ali - I'm starting to realize that many of my choices for Tristan are from shows that used to be on TGIF, so I guess there is a theme here. Tatyana Ali is gorgeous, talented (she's a singer too, ya know?) and exotic. Tristan and exotic would be pret-ty hot together so I won't get too descriptive with this one. I'm sure y’all can figure it out.
Keisha Knight Pulliam - I don't know if ya'll have seen Rudy Huxtable lately? She went from being an adorable little rug rat to a stunning woman. She's the perfect kind of celebrity for the show too because she really hasn't done all that much since The Cosby Show but everyone wants to see her resurface. Just imagine a fun and flirty Cha Cha.
Dominique Dawes - This is an obvious choice because Dominique Dawes is a gymnast, and the DWTS crowd loves figure skaters, and they also love gymnasts. She's also an older gymnast, one that didn't just backflip across the ol' London tumbling mat, so it would be great to see her performing again. The possibilities would be endless here with Tristan's chance to do some more creative choreography. I'm thinking, a fast as lightening jive full of athletic elements. Woohoo!
Gabrielle Reese - Misty Mae Treanor was a good fit for DWTS and unfortunately her ride on DWTS was cut incredibly short, so I am in the mood to see another volleyball player. The cool thing about women volleyball players are that they are strong and athletic but also feminine and statuesque and pretty light on their feet. Gabrielle was at the head of her game back in the 90's but has been keeping things quiet for a while. It's time to bring her on the dance floor and show those other female pros what long legs are supposed to look like. Tristan and Gabrielle would be gorgeous together, and we really don’t care if Gabrielle is a wee bit taller. It didn’t matter with Val and Zendaya, and it wouldn’t matter with Tristan and Gabrielle.
So what do you think of our 19 possible choices for a celebrity partner for Tristan for Season 17? Who would you like to see as Tristan's partner?
As part of our ever-changing website, we decided it was time once again to pay tribute to our DWTS Troupe. Each member of the Troupe brings something special to DWTS, and we are going to talk about all of them at some point during this off-season. Enjoy today’s featured Troupe member – the amazing Sasha Farber.
It’s time, ABC. It’s time for Sasha Farber to move up to permanent pro status and show us his talents with a celebrity partner. He’s already paid his dues on DWTS. He has experience on DWTS Australia. He has a wealth of entertainment and choreographic experience, and he’s a very fan-friendly pro. We can think of a hundred reasons why Sasha should be a pro, but we’ll give you our top 10 (plus one).
1. The man can dance. Not only can he dance, but he is unique in many ways – ways that are truly memorable. For example, he is very, very fast. We’re not talking just quick; we’re talking lightning fast feet that move with razor sharp precision. Have you seen him do the Jive? Let’s just say that he moves so fast his feet are a blur – so fast that he has to have been mechanically engineered to keep the pace he does. Forgive the bad southern terminology (which we use all the time because we’re both from the south) but Sasha on the dance floor is faster than a june bug on a hot tin roof. The point here is that a celebrity would benefit greatly from that kind of talent. Let’s face it. Not everybody has his gift.
2. He knows how to work it. He is a crowd favorite. He knows the ladies like a bit of a tease so he shows off his finely sculpted chest. He shamelessly flirts (we still remember him scampering off stage in Floor Play after he flirted with all the ladies on the dance floor), he plays the good boy/bad boy to perfection, and he has so much energy that we become exhausted watching him. That’s a good thing. Any celebrity would learn how to be a true entertainer by watching Sasha Farber, and isn't that what Dancing With the Stars is all about?
3. He steals the show. Yep. In a continuation of #2 on this list, he reads the crowd better than anybody. He has mastered the proper expression for a serious and dramatic Paso Doble, and he raises the bar to new levels with the Jive. And talk about fun and flirty? Sasha and the Cha Cha are a match made in dance heaven. He also knows how to leave the audience wanting more.
4. He’s a bit of a devil (continued in #5). Tristan called it when we asked him who is the biggest prankster on DWTS. His response? "Farbs." (Just to be clear, Tristan is probably a close second). We can only imagine what kind of tricks Sasha has played on everybody, but we bet there is enough material that we could script a sitcom or reality show. Just think…”Coming to ABC this fall, Life with Farbs." We would watch it. Anyway, bring Farbs to ABC's Dancing With the Stars too, but this time as a pro who gets the opportunity to train another person to be a dancer. And a prankster. She would learn from the master.
5. He’s a devil who is devilishly handsome. Let’s just say that Emma Slater is a lucky lady.
7. He makes backflips in the ballroom work. Normally, we don’t care for the inclusion of gymnastics in dance, nor do we generally enjoy flips, acrobatics and tumbling, however, we are practically salivating at the prospect of a Sasha Farber freestyle in a future DWTS finale (soon, please). He knows the time and place to throw in a backflip, and it enhances the dance instead of taking away from it. Oh, one other thing? We think he probably has a trampoline in his feet because there is no way one human could stay airborne that long. His middle name is F-U-N, and any celebrity would have a blast working with him whether she could do a backflip or not.
8. He’s a wonderful teacher. Case in point. Check out his involvement in the Trio Dances and the Side-By-Side Challenge. He was there not only because he’s a crazy good dancer, but it’s also because he is a fabulous teacher as well. He did great work with Roshon and worked alongside Apolo to make sure Apolo mirrored his steps. He was brilliant in the Side-By Side Challenges and was not only very positive and encouraging but hugely supportive as he worked with D.L. and Andy. So, Sasha, would you please teach us to dance? We’ve tried, and trust us, it’s not pretty. We need your help, STAT.
9. He’s due. He’s dedicated, devoted, and constantly works to improve his craft. No two dances are the same, his choreography improves with each dance, and he is constantly changing so that nothing becomes stale, ordinary, or predictable. Isn’t that exactly how it should be?
10. He is a fan favorite for a reason; he’s generous with his time, polite to a fault, and cute as the dickens. Make Sasha a pro, ABC. Please. We can’t imagine a more perfect world than a season with Tristan MacManus and Sasha Farber as two of your cast of pros.
11. We couldn’t stop at ten reasonsbecause there is one more thing from Season 16 that is worth mentioning and that just might be one of the most memorable moments ever on DWTS. He won our hearts forever with his work with Kristi Yamaguchi.
So Sasha, we hope you’re at the top of ABC’s list to finally have a celebrity partner. It’s long overdue.
Season 17 is rapidly approaching, and it is almost impossible to believe that Season 16 has already been over for several weeks. The one thing that we’ve learned from the last few seasons is what we like and what we don’t like. We don’t like the overuse of props. We despise over-the-top costuming decisions, and we really don’t like the constant need by a bunch of pros to dance shirtless. Give it a rest. It was interesting once or twice, but now it’s boring and predictable and makes us eat too much ice cream during the show because we’ve already seen the bare pectorals before and are bored. There’s no mystery. We like the mystery, the unexpected, and the exciting. In that respect, it's a good thing that DWTS is changing things up, but we're not liking the idea that ABC wants to "age down" the cast at all. To that we say, "Harrumph."
With lots of changes in store for Season 17, we’ve decided to compile our list of the most interesting pros – those who can dance, choreograph, and bring in the fans, while making things fun and exciting. We’ve even made a few suggestions for celebrity partners that just might make things heat up or at least make you laugh at little bit at the possibility. This list might surprise you, but we say if you’re going to change, you might as well go big. So here you have it. We think that the cast size might be cut to 10 just because of time constraints created with the new format, so we’re throwing in pros 11 and 12 as alternates. And just a warning – our celebrity “recommendations” change hourly so expect another blog soon with our almost official list of pros and celebrities.
The requisite pros: (everybody else is optional)
Tristan MacManus – Is there any doubt? He’s the busiest of all this off-season, he was the “Belle of the Ball” in Ballroom With a Twist in Denver, and he is arguably the most popular of all. Besides, DWTS owes him big after what’s happened the last two seasons. In this case, absence really did make the heart grow fonder, and his absence has made the fans positively drool at the possibility of what might lie ahead for Season 17. He is due to have a legitimate contender, and now is the time for it to happen. He deserves another shot with Dorothy Hamill, but we think it's unlikely that she will be back - at least in Season 17. We want to see him dance with somebody fun, classy, elegant, and teachable. Does she have to be a ringer? Nope, because the lucky lady would have the best teacher of the bunch. How about another skater? Tanith Belbin, Sarah Hughes, Tara Lipinski - any of them would be good choices. Michelle Kwan would make us all giddy. Want to go a little older? Katarina Witt, Tai Babilonia, Oksana Baiul. We're not asking for the world here - just a fighting chance. Our dream partner? Ekaterina Gordeeva. Talk about magic. Talk about sexy. Talk about mirror ball.
Sasha Farber – There is nobody has deserves a shot at the pros more than Sasha. He’s fun, sexy, energetic, and the most entertaining pro on the show. We toyed with the idea of Gabby Douglas as a potential partner, but we really don’t think a gymnast with the built-in talent and the built-in fan base is fair for a first-year pro or, for that matter, for any pro. DWTS should not go there again this season. We think Sasha and Katie Couric would have a rip roaring good time. If not Katie? How about Australian actress Rachael Taylor. She’s an ABC girl too – Charlie’s Angels, Grey’s Anatomy ... oh wait. She’s 5’8”. Add her to the “Tristan MacManus future partners” list. Another fun option for Sasha? Rachel Ray. They would have a blast. Another idea? Ellen DeGeneres. What fun they would be! America Ferrera and Sasha? A dream team.
Val Chmerkovskiy – We want Val back for one reason – to see what he can do with a celebrity that will truly challenge him and try his patience. Somebody who isn’t physically perfect, who doesn’t have an enormous fan base, someone who might be a klutz (but might be a pleasant surprise, too). In our opinion, Val has never been truly challenged. We think he will prove himself, but he needs the right challenge in order to do that. Mrs. Dog? Now that would just be plain mean. How about somebody fun, energetic, and interesting like Paula Deen? She’s 66 years old, and every season has a celebrity just a little older than the rest. Option 2? Wanda Sykes. Let’s see what you’ve got Val.
Tony Dovolani – We want to see Tony dance with somebody who will push him and make him forget the crazy costumes and props and concentrate on the dancing. He’s had some good partners in the past – and some not so good partners. We’re trying out a bunch of ideas in our crazy mixed up heads, and we think he would be fun as the dickens with Valerie Bertinelli. Because our brains are operating at only about 45% this weekend, we can’t come up with anybody else, so we guess it’s Valerie or nobody. Sorry Tony.
Mark Ballas – We believe Mark might hit the trail sooner than later to have time to propel his music career even further, but we would love one last season of great fun, and who better than the adorable Nicki Blonsky from Hairspray. She’s amazing, talented, and lovely – and funny. She’s also a ringer, but we would gladly make an exception for her. We love this one.
Henry Byalikov – a good choice, but we think Sasha might be a more popular choice with the fans and you have to think ratings. That being said, however, if there are 12 teams, he would be a good fit as the sixth male pro. Again, first year pros shouldn’t get the easy ones. Challenges are good. Rosie O’Donnell is a thought. She’s popular and entertaining. Another idea? Bring on the wicked funny Kristen Schall.
******* The Ladies
Sharna Burgess - We loved Sharna as a pro even more than we loved her as a Troupe member. She has the sass, the energy, and the kindness to make it a long way on DWTS. We thing she maybe didn't take the scoring and comments all that well but maybe that's because she was a new pro. She will just get better, but the fact is - Andy Dick was not overscored, but he was a welcome addition, and she was the perfect pro to be his partner. We would like to see her with someone who is just as edgy as she is - somebody like Greg Louganis, who has lobbied to be on DWTS for many seasons. Another option is an Olympic swimmer - not Ryan Lochte, not Michael Phelps but how about Matt Grevers or Cullen Jones? We likey.
Anna Trebunskaya – The second busiest pro in the off-season, we’re still outraged that the lovely Anna was not included in the Season 16 lineup. We still don’t get it. She’s beautiful, talented, fun, popular, and we love her choreography. She hasn’t had a legitimate contender since Evan Lysacek, and she is way overdue. We would love a Tristan/Anna final, and we've wanted to see Anna with another skater since Season 10. Maybe Ben Agosto? That would be an amazing duo and we know we've suggested it previously, but this would be a good one. Another option is a sexy Latin lover type - oh, someone like Chayanne. Yeah, he's a bit of a ringer since he was in the movie Dance With Me with Vanessa Williams, but we don't care. He's got the talent, the charm, and the charisma to make it work. (By the way, we wouldn’t object if Vanessa Williams came on the show and was partnered with Tristan. That would sizzle).
Karina Smirnoff – She just might be the best of the best, but we don’t think we’ve seen her best yet. Karina has certainly had challenges with different celebrities. We want to see Karina really have the chance to turn up the heat to epic temperatures. We want to see her dance with Josh Holloway of Lost fame. The rugged, bad boy looks and the feisty Karina? Yowza.
Peta Murgatroyd – Peta wouldn’t necessarily be our first choice for this spot, but we still haven’t seen what she can do with a real challenge. Nor have we seen amazing choreography yet. We are dying to see Larry the Cable Guy on DWTS if for no other reason than we want to see if he would wear a tux without cutting off the sleeves. Another option? Most recently of Splash – Louie Anderson. Option 3? William Shatner. Win a Mirror Ball Trophy with any of these three, and we just might be convinced.
Emma Slater / Oksana Dmytrenko - Emma is our first choice but since it looks like that may not happen we think Oksana would be great, and talk about hilarious...pair her up with Jeff Foxworthy. They wouldn’t have a clue what the other is talking about, and Jeff is bow-legged, but we would enjoy this immensely. Another more plausible option? 1984 gold medalist from men's gymnastics Mitch Gaylord. They would be fun, fun, fun!
Kym Johnson – We think this might be the end of the DWTS road for Kym, since DWTS is leaning towards a younger audience. We love Kym and she is very popular. How about the smokin’ hot Nicholas Gonzales formerly of ABC’s Off the Map and from a bunch of other stuff we can’t remember because we’ve been too busy ogling and re-watching Off the Map while writing this blog. Yes, ladies, it’s THAT kind of celebrity.
Left off the list:
Gleb Savchenko – We don’t think he ever caught on, although the potential is definitely there. He’s gorgeous, talented, and gorgeous. But we’re not sure he has the appeal needed to swoop in and take over the voters.
Maks Chmerkovskiy – We think he’s moved on. for many reasons. Whether it was his choice or not, we didn’t miss him all that much last season.
Derek Hough – He’s supposedly gone so we didn’t waste our time writing about him because we're short of brain power this weekend.
Lindsay Arnold – A good start, but kind of forgettable. A season or two in the troupe would have helped a lot.
Witney Carson – We can’t see it happening yet. There are too many good ones waiting in the wings. There are some pros from Strictly Come Dancing that we wouldn’t mind seeing come over and stir things up.
Julz Tocker – Love the guy, but we can’t remember the dances. Another few troupe seasons, please.
Did we forget somebody? Sorry, too much travel this weekend. Too much jet-lag. Too much Starbucks. Not enough sleep.
We have decided that there should be a contest to see which MacManiac should get the chance to be Tristan’s partner in Season 17. After all, we are all enormously talented and look great in spandex, sequins, feathers, and rhinestones. We really do. We approached this logically and scientifically, and this is what we came up with. Never fear – if your name isn’t included on this list, it’s because we are saving you up for a future blog. We have lots more profound ones like this one.
Oh and the one catch to this? We (SWAT and Shakes) get to choose the partner for Tristan so this should end well.
Tristan, meet your potential partners.
Love the Heartthrob – Snort. Really? Would you trust somebody whose name is “Love the Heartthrob?” We’re talking Valentine’s Day Cards and those little candy hearts that say mushy stuff like “I wanna dance with the Irishman,” “Shake it, baby,” and “Moves like MacManus.” Nah. She’s out because that’s just creepy.
KellanK, Kieran, Maggie, Meghan, and Brenna - Obviously, they are all Irish (or want to be) and would therefore hog Tristan. They are all banned from this competition just because they sound like they have Irish names. We have to make this fair, after all.
Lily and Sweetpea – They both have names of lovely, aromatic flowers which means that they probably also wear perfume that is subtle yet seductive. Nope, can’t have that. Sorry, ladies, but you are a big “no.”
Jennl – It’s a conundrum. We thought she might be in the finalist category of this little competition because she’s smart, yet feisty. But then we looked at the “l” carefully and concluded (logically, of course) that the 'L' stands for LambadaChampionOfTheWorld. Too bad, Jennl. You would have been a top 3 contender.
Reformed Lurker – Would you trust anybody named Reformed Lurker to not cause trouble with Tristan? Yeah, we didn’t think so.
Out of Tea and Tea With Lemon – What’s up with that? We could understand it if the name was “Irish Whiskey” or maybe “Irish Coffee” and no self-respecting Tristan fan would be “Out of Tea”. And then there’s “Tea With Lemon.” We are immediately suspicious of putting lemon in tea – well for no good reason other than we needed something to write here. Our logic came up with this. After all, you wouldn’t put it in coffee would you? Thus, you shouldn’t put it in tea. Sorry, ladies. You’re out too. Had your name been “Sweet Tea” we would have considered it.
Rumba, Latin Dancer, Cha Cha, and Bailarina – All are ringers, and that is okay with us because Tristan deserves a ringer. Unfortunately, however, they would fight among themselves and cause a big old mess because, you see, cat fights are never good. Throw Mrs. ATA into the mix too because ATA obviously stands for Argentine Tango Addict which means she’s a serious ringer so five ringers means five times the trouble. This can’t happen. So yeah, they are toast too.
Chiquita – Well, here’s the problem with this lovely lady. We just don’t believe that she won’t come out onto the dance floor with a Carmen Miranda hat during her Sambas, Salsas, and Cha Chas, and the apples, bananas, and probably a whole watermelon too would go flying and drench Tristan with fruit salad, fruit juice, or just fruit goop. She’s been getting too many costume tips from SWAT. She’s out because ostentatious and gaudy are not the way to go when you are representing such a classy group as the MacManiacs.
Caribbean Cooler - We gave her careful consideration but then tossed her too because she’ll obviously be reclining on the beach somewhere in the Caribbean with an iPad in one hand while watching Tristan videos, and a Piña Colada or a Caribbean Cooler in the other. Her Cabana boy is probably also Irish so we don’t feel sorry for her at all. She’s out.
Is it Tuesday - Because sadly, there will no longer be a Tuesday show, and she will be so confused that she won’t know when to show up.
153 Dancer - 153 can mean so many things. 153 ballroom dance trophies she’s won, 153 minutes she can dance the jive non-stop, 153 hearts of male pros she’s broken…it’s just a potentially dangerous number so we’re not taking any chances. Nope to Ms. 153.
KYWoman - Sigh. She’s not an option, because she’ll be busy sitting at the Derby with her giant Derby hat sipping a mint julep and winning lots of money by betting on a racehorse named Shamrock or Clover or heaven forbid, Tristan. We can’t have that.
Stirred Not Shaken – This one confused us, but we finally figured out the problem. She probably drinks plain martinis, or appletinis, or chocolatinis or some other kind of tini. It wouldn’t end well when the only logical option is Irish Whiskey – I believe we mentioned that before. Scratch SNS from our list.
DWTS Ringer – Isn’t it obvious? We thought about her because Tristan deserves a ringer in the biggest way, but our sources tell us that ringer isn’t really a ringer and when she tried to Samba with her Salsa teacher, Stefano, she stepped on his now sore tootsies. She’s out.
Blue Eyes and Starry Eyes – because they probably making big googly eyes at Tristan all the time and that just doesn’t work for us. Banned.
Em33 – Remember the seemingly innocuous bra comment from several months ago? Remember how much trouble it started? She is trouble. If you don’t know the story, trust us, it isn’t pretty, so she’d probably go for the “natural look” and hang the bra from the roof or something so nope to Em.
LC - because that stands for Lucky Charm and then we would have trouble because Tristan would be too intrigued by the name. He might also think Nancy was back because she used to call him that.
KBRM – A lady of mystery (she refuses to divulge the reasoning behind her username). Too much mystery isn't good.
Duchess Gummy Buns – Really? Would you trust her in the arms of the Irishman? Nuh uh. Not a chance.
Cupcake and Pumpkin – The bottom line is that these names make us think of food and we would be eating huge pieces of cheesecake instead of paying attention to all that quality dancing from Mr. MacManus, so sorry, C and P. You’re out too.
Sigh. We’re exhausted even though we have another hundred or so names that come to mind. Right now there are only two contenders – the Samba Sultress (Shakes), and the Tango Temptress (SWAT). Of course, neither of us can Samba or Tango to save our lives, but, you never know.
Our Season 17 Random Wish List 1
Season 17 is only, oh, four months away – approximately 120 days – and the speculation has already begun. So we plan to keep you entertained during the next few weeks with our random wish lists. Some are legitimate; some are absurd which means they could, and probably will, become a reality.
Our first random wish list for Season 17 is ridiculous, and we know it. With DWTS you have to maintain a sense of humor, so we decided to mix up the real and the fantasy, the fun and the crazy and give you this. In other words, it’s pretty much a typical cast. It’s also a little on the large side. Remember when the producers decided to create that Season 9 trainwreck with 16 teams (yes, 16) during a three night opening extravaganza, er, mess? It was stupid; it was an epic fail, so we might as well try it again. But we figure as long as there is bedlam, we might as well go big. Let’s cram in 20 couples, a bunch of pro numbers, and an ice cream social into the Monday night show.
We will change up the pros to suit the cast with each wish list, but one thing you can count on is that Tristan MacManus will be included in all of them. The rest? Not so much. Disclaimer: These are by no means our actual wish lists. We will do that later. Right now we’re just messin’ with you.
Fair warning. Tristan is so good that he has two celebrity partners and we don’t care who is a pro, who’s a “should’ve been an All-Star” and who is a big old ringer. It’s our cast list, and we can do what we want. Incidentally, a couple of other pros have two partners too because it’s our fantasy, and that’s what we want. So there.
The Male Celebrities and Their Pros
Antonio Sabato, Jr. - Age 41 - You have to have eye candy so why not him? He used to be on General Hospital like half of the free world and half of the DWTS cast. He’s a beauty, and besides, he has killer dimples. Pair him up with Anna Trebunskaya and watch the chemistry blow up the place. In fact, the promotional photos would probably cause an increase in global warming. We do think that a pre-requisite for this partnership is that they should be permitted to dance the following only: Rumba, Bolero, Lambada, repeat. Nothing else will be necessary, thank you.
Justin Guarini - Age 34 - Talk about a random choice. This is one of those names that just popped into the old noggin for no reason at all other than we were having a random moment, and this is about as random as it gets. Imagine the possibilities with Kelly Clarkson's sidekick in Season 1 of American Idol. Just think of what they could do with that hair. Does he still have the big hair that looks like mine (Shakes) did when my mama gave me a home perm when I was six? Let's hope so. Hair like that tells a story and we would be so distracted by it that we wouldn't know if he could dance or not. But wait. He's a ringer. He and Kelly were in that huge hit "From Justin to Kelly" which yes, we admit to watching. He did some dancin', some singin' and stuff so yeah, ringer. That's okay though. He's kind of cute in an offbeat kind of way. His partner should be the complete opposite and we think that Emma Slater would have had a blast with him. Well, that’s what was going to happen. And yeah, we know that Emma is supposed to be a pro on Strictly Come Dancing in the fall which will screw up everything, but if she gets to do that (and it’s huge for her), then we vote for Oksana Dmytrenko shaking things up with the Guarini. Good grief. Give the woman a chance. She’s endured the troupe for five seasons. It. Is. Time.
Johnny Weir - Age 28 - After Evan Lysacek came oh so close to winning the mirror ball trophy with Anna Trebunskaya in Season 10, Johnny kept mouthing off about how he wanted to be on and how good he would be, so why not? Just think of the fun the costume department will have. Feathers, sequins, fringe and bling will take on an entirely new meaning. His partner? Tough choice, but we're thinking that Sharna Burgess would keep him in line - or not in which case we will have some really good TV.
Joe Manganiello - Age 37 – Yes we realize that this is more purty eye candy but has anyone ever seen this man in a wife beater? He's on the show True Blood and the movie Magic Mike which means that we'll have some drooling women tuning in every week just to see this manly hunk of beefcake. He's a little scruffy too, but he'd polish up real nice. Pair him up with Karina Smirnoff and watch the ballroom heat up fast.
***Random Note - Now that we've got Joe Manganiello and Antonio Sabato Jr. why not just round out the rest of the male celebs with these types for an all out Season 17 Hunkfest? We know, we know. We’re shallow.
Jimmy Osmond - Age 50 – Bad news comes in threes….uh, we mean we would love to see another Osmond on the show. He’s probably a bit of a ringer kind of like his siblings but that’s okay. We didn’t really think Donny was such a great dancer, but there is that crazy fan base, and had Marie not gone all doll crazy she might have given Jonathan a MBT. Just watch social media blow a gasket when yet another Osmond comes onto the show. We think it might be kind of entertaining and well worth it. His partner? Cheryl Burke. She and Jimmy might be kind of fun to watch, and we're actually serious about that.
David Bowie - Age 66 – Why? Because he's awesome, folks. Maybe he's too big of a star to be on the show but since he's always been a tad on the unconventional side of music and fashion, we think it might be cool to see the debonair, ballroom side of Mr. Bowie. In a way he's somewhat of a ringer already. Heck, he's already used to wearing heels so that shows
that he's naturally graceful. Call us crazy, but we think he'd be kind of wicked paired with Chelsie Hightower. That’s one hot mess comin’ right up.
Frankie Avalon – Frankie is 72 and we know ABC wants to "age down" the cast, but we love Frankie. He's cute. He danced on the beach 40 years ago - by the way, when you spend that much time on the beach, how much sand gets into places you don't want it getting into? But that’s another story. We'll cut him a break. He can have a slow first dance. His partner? Somebody who needs to feel the heat of having an older partner, and that is Peta Murgatroyd. Frankie isn’t our first choice because he has a musical background and is in shape (we think), and she’s had the luck of the draw – good grief. Metta World Peace was the only one who didn’t do well, and that’s no surprise. He was, however, in great shape. Since then she has been partners with Donald, Gilles, and Sean – all in great shape, all relatively young, and all with massive fan bases. We would really like to see if she can choreograph and pull this together.
Nameless Celebrity - One of those bearded guys from Duck Dynasty - age unknown. They all look 75 with all of that facial hair and we can't tell any of them apart. But they have huge fan bases and a wildly popular show. Bring back Lacey Schwimmer and pair one of them up with her. It won’t matter who it is. They all look the same.
Peanut Rademacher - age 4 - Why not? He could be the new Disney star, he's a ringer, and he's devilishly handsome. Problem is that he and Len are already buddies so there might be some wonky judging that might stack the deck. His partner? Kym Johnson, of course. And Dad could come back as an added bonus. In fact, we think you should throw Oksana Dmytrenko in there too. They would have a blast.
Gary Busey- Age - who the hell knows...100? Now talk about controversial. He's done the Celebrity Apprentice and Celebrity Rehab, and didn't he also do Celebrity Fit Club? We honestly don’t know, but we do know that no matter what show Gary is on, he's packing some serious crazy in the mix. This is another good match for Peta Murgatroyd. And no, we aren't gunning for her. We just don't want to punish the other pro dancers that we like more.
The Female Celebrities and Their Pros
Amanda Bynes – Age 27 - You know DWTS likes a serving of controversy mixed in with the kind of normal so we might as well stir up a big old trainwreck. The funny thing is that lots of people seriously want her to be on the show. We kind of don’t, but the show always does something we define as “stupid” and this might be it, but what the heck? Let’s see where it goes. Put her with Maks Chmerkovskiy and watch the drama. Just get the popcorn ready because ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to have us a show.
Dina Lohan – Age 50 – Oh my. This relative of a trainwreck (the one not named Amanda) said last season that she wanted to be on DWTS, and she also said that she wanted Maks as her partner. Nothing is that easy, so we say give her to Val Chmerkovskiy. The younger Mr. C has had it way too easy with young, fit, and/or popular partners. Time to mix it up. Let’s see who wears the pants in this relationship. She may be six feet tall and tower over Val, but that shouldn’t bother him; he’s used to it.
*** Another random note: come to think of it, why not just have one season with nothing but trainwreck celebrities? It would be great fun.
Emma Samms – Age 52 - Well we have to have somebody past or present from General Hospital, and she’s a good option. (Besides, we’re saving Finola Hughes for another wish list.) She’s pretty, perky, and fun, and we want to see her dance with Sasha Farber, who just happens to be our favorite of the male troupe members. And he could call her ‘Emma’ because she is Emma just like his girlfriend Emma and that simplifies things a lot.
Mama June – Age 33 – She’d cause such a big stink on the show that we wouldn’t get over it for months because we would love to see such things as a camouflage Cha Cha dress, and of course, her partner would be none other than Mark Ballas. Oh come on. We know this was mean of us, but you don’t seriously think that in our first blog about potential partners that we would pair him up with Katherine Webb or another gymnast, do you?
Debbie Harry - Age 68 - Okay, for 68 years old, this woman is still fierce. We love her to pieces and she's still rockin' the bleached blond hair. We know that Tony always gets the older women but there's a reason for that - he's good with them. So is Tristan, but that’s another story, and we don’t want to go there. There is no doubt in our minds that Debbie Harry would stick around for more than a few weeks. So yep. Her partner will be Tony Dovolani.
Kristi Yamaguchi - Age 42- Now don't go insulting our intelligence by reminding us that she has been on DWTS before. We know that, and we realize that she has already won a mirror ball trophy. We also realize that she should have been an all star so we vote she come in for Season 17. We suggest a re-do of that Toby Keith classic “Should’ve Been A Cowboy” and the opening number will be Kristi and all the hunky men dancing to “Should’ve Been An All Star.” Anyway, she's a beautiful dancer, graceful and everything else. We personally don't think anyone would mind watching her on the show again or voting for her in ridiculously large numbers. This time she's got the best pro in the ballroom, the one pro who had the respect for her to bring her back for Season 17. Want to take a wild guess? The name is MacManus. Tristan MacManus. Can we say MBT on a silver platter, please?
Barbara Walters – Age 83 - Now we know that Derek might not be back (yawn, it's the same old bedtime story - the kind that puts you to sleep - we hear it every season and then, poof! Magic. He's baaack). Anyway, if this is his last hurrah, let's give him the biggest ringer of all. Barbara. She's in great shape. She's 83 years old so the age might offset the ringer factor but she also has a built in fan base like all his partners. Besides, we want to see the Jive in Week 2 and Samba in Week 3. The point is – we want to see Derek have a partner with some sort of physical limitations – somebody who doesn’t have the endurance he’s used to, and somebody who has very strong opinions and just might be a challenge. At least we didn’t pair him up with Mama June. We can just hear it...."And now, doing the Lambada...Barbara Walters and her partner Derek Hough."
Lindsay Lohan – Age 26 – We decided to bring her in to keep mama and Amanda from going over the top on the cray cray. We figure we would hook her up with none other than Henry Byalikov because there’s nothing like trial by fire, and whoa baby, this would be a big old trial. We love Henry, and he wants to be a pro, so here’s his chance.
Miss Cleo – Age 50 – She can do Tarot readings. She can tell us before things really get going who is going to win. She can tell us who is leaving each week so we can turn off the tv as soon as the dancing is finished. She can dance. Uh, well, we don’t know about that but as long as we’re going for the oddball choices, we vote that ABC brings her on and pairs her up with Derek, who like Tristan, could easily handle two celebrities. Barbara Walters/Miss Cleo. Imagine the backstage footage. Imagine the backstage confessionals. Imagine the Country Two-Step. Hey, they did that one back in Season 9 - why not now?
Julianne Hough – Age 24 – Well, okay, she’s WAS a pro on DWTS but we decided Tristan needs a ringer. A young ringer, and who better than Julianne? Technically she’s not a dancer anymore – she’s an actress so she’s not really a ringer. Yeah, we can convince ourselves of anything, all right.. It would be great fun and they could clean up the competition. In other words, a Slam Dunk. The likelihood of this fantasy scenario is about as likely as our Kristi Yamaguchi/Tristan scenario but hey we can dream.
Yeah, we’re just kidding about most of these – an auspicious beginning to our off seasons wish lists. More to come very soon as the speculation gets out of control which means so wi we.