Last week, Annie Barrett decided to rate the team promotional photos from hot to not, good to icky, and interesting to insipid. Hollywood.com did their own evaluation/rating and conveniently left out1/3 of the cast. Sorry, but we won’t take that lying down, and actually, this was too good to resist. We don’t really agree with Annie much at all on this one so we decided to write our own little critique and evaluation. We began by ranking the photos overall 1 to 12 with the best at the top as #1, and you probably won't be surprised when you see which one we ranked #1 - especially when you consider that this is a Tristan MacManus website. We’re even cutting Kirstie and Maks a little slack because she was in Europe and couldn’t be around for the photo shoot. We also have no clue what will happen with Louis and Sabrina so we made stuff up. So here you go – our own “What's your damage?" blog in a pathetic rebuttal to Annie's article. By the way, we’re also giving each photo a score on hotness factor (chemistry as obvious in the photo) just because we want to, and we felt like doing a little ogle-factor evaluating as well in the "What's the grade" portion: 100 is the equivalent of a white hot flame. 60 means they should go back to kindergarten. We’re also still trying to figure out what hollywood.com decided to do in their misguided attempt to rank 2/3 of the cast. That was a WTF moment, and we then agreed to become serious journalists and investigative reporters to uncover the real truth. Yeah, this is all a big joke and not to be taken seriously, in case you had any doubt.
1.Tristan and Pamela
Chemistry grade: A++++ or in this case, O₂, just because these two together are going to make us lose some brain cells from oxygen deprivation.
What’s the damage? -1.0 because Tristan’s shirt was tucked in instead of hanging loose like in his individual photo, and then there was the tragic loss of that gorgeous bedhead. ABC also put a white background behind a beautiful blonde in a white dress, so the photo wasn’t as striking as it might have been. Duh. Pamela is not the kind of woman that you let blend into the background – not that she could anyway. These are minor point deductions, however, because they both glow with lots and lots of naughty hotness. (We don’t know if there is such a thing as “naughty hotness” but we think there is, so deal with it.)
What’s the grade? 96% Gilles and Cheryl made it to the finals on hotness and skill. Tristan and Pamela can do that too. Nothing is a sure thing, but if there isn’t chemistry there that tops all the charts, then our names aren’t SWAT and Shakes, and we don’t wear neon tutus. Come on, people, in this photo Pamela became the seduced and Tristan was the confident male taking charge of the reformed sex kitten. Annie Barrett referenced “Like a Virgin” when describing Pamela in this photo, but we are thinking that it is more likely that Pamela had been listening to “Holding Out For A Hero” on the way to the photo shoot, and that is why she is now nestled in his slightly rugged, Irish tattooed arms. Puleeeeze – anybody with even a partial pulse has to see that this duo is hot, sexy, and um, stimulating. We will stop with that.
2.Drew and Anna
Chemistry grade: B+ The photo doesn’t tell the entire story, but we’re basing our rankings on the photos and nothing more (at least most of the time). These two are going to be fun, sexy, and invigorating.
What’s the damage? -2.0 The color of the costume is brilliant and an amazing color for both of them, but in all fairness it looks like a feathered boa over a leotard, which I believe Anna said it actually was.
What’s the grade? 93%. Drew looks adorable, and this team is going to be around for a while. The chemistry is believable. Just look at the smile on Anna's face! She's happy, Drew always seems happy, and thus we have confidence that the chemistry grade will rise as the season progresses. I bet we see lots and lots of smiles from Anna and Drew, and that’s what we love about them both.
3. Mark and Bristol
Chemistry grade: B Why? Because whatever it is that Bristol and Mark were doing, it was believable, and more so than many of the awkward poses of the other. They might not be our favorites, but we are at least occasionally objective. We love funny, and they were funny and didn’t take themselves too seriously. No,they aren’t the sex kitten and the stud, but they might prove to be entertaining.
What’s the damage? -2. 2 just because of the nerd boy glasses. Bristol looks great this time around. Leggy, lovely, and lively. We like this photo.
What’s their grade? 88%. There isn’t going to be any bashing here; we looked at the photo, and we don’t care who is in the photo. Out of all of them– with the exception of the King and Queen of Sexy, of course - these two had something almost endearing going on in their team photo. They looked like they were ready to be a real team and have some fun, and that is something to take notice of. Bristol looks fabulous, and Mark...well...he looks like Mark...spats and all...however that didn't bother us very much this time around. They just might be a surprise this season (assuming her dancing has kicked it up a notch) but regardless, we loved the photo.
4. Apolo and Karina
Chemistry grade: B- There is a flicker of something, but Apolo looks so uncomfortable posing like that that we knocked them down a grade.
What’s the damage? -3.5 Apolo looks like he's getting ready to race us to Krispy Kreme or head back to the ice. We were confused as to what they were trying to do. And what was with Karina's bangs? Not that it has anything to do with anything at all, but we just didn't like them, and since it's our blog, we just wanted to make an observation.
What’s their grade? Overall at around 83%. Not the best start but they seem that they will look great in future photos. We aren't going to discredit them completely. Remember last season when we thought that Karina and Gavin weren't going to work and they quickly made us eat our words? Karina is a very strong and slightly intimidating presence because she's got the confidence and the dancing chops to trounce everyone in the competition. Apolo knows this and that's why he's looking uncomfortable, or so we assume. But again, there's potential, and tons of cuteness in this photo.
5. Derek and Shawn
Chemistry grade: C Shawn has kinda sorta grown up and looks more like she should be on DWTS than she did 3 years ago. She’s in great shape and looking beautiful. Derek, however, looks too old, too dark, too everything. Something’s kind of off here. Their team photo is just “meh”. Derek is looking down at Shawn and she's giving us a million dollar “I want to dance” pose. The solo pics are the same. Derek is hunched over and looks like he just came from a bad dance rehearsal. Does anyone else find it slightly disturbing that it looks like Derek looks 100% disconnected? We thought he was looking at a bug on the floor instead of at Shawn. Not a great start.
What’s the damage? -4.2 because there was just a lot wrong with the photo (see above).
What’s their grade? 77% (not bad, but not great)
6. Val and Kelly
Chemistry grade: C because Val has all the chemistry. He gets an A+ for looking like he’s hot for Kelly. In fact, in their team photo Val looks downright dashing. Kelly however looks like she just auditioned as a vamipress on “True Blood” and can't get out of character. She gets an F for looking bored and prepared to go into attack mode if she doesn’t get that corset off. Their individual photos were a big letdown. Nothing fun there at all. Nothing sexy (other than Val). Nothing magical.
What’s the damage? -4.5 That seems fair. Val is at his best here; Kelly is not.
What’s their grade? 73% We can take ‘em or leave ‘em.
7. Peta and Gilles
Chemistry grade: C The chemistry just isn't there like it was with Cheryl and Gilles. Frankly, Peta looks bored.
What’s the damage? -4.5 The t-shirt and pants don’t work for Gilles. He needs to be sleek, suave and debonair, not looking like he’s going to Walmart with the family for the day. Peta, Peta, Peta…..clothes please? Their team photo was pretty easy to read. If we could do the speech bubbles over their heads then it would read something like this. Peta: “I think I left my iron plugged in" and Gilles: “Did I leave my car lights on?” Yeah, just check out Gilles' solo photo where you see him as he truly is...one sexy man. Without Peta he's simply smokin'. With her he seems off kilter. Still not a fan of the Walmart wardrobe for Gilles though. It just doesn’t work.
What’s their grade: 70% It may work; it may not.
8. Chelsie and Helio
Chemistry grade: C Not great, not horrible, but a little bland. No, a lot bland, but we think there is fire beneath the surface, and we think this couple is going to crank it up a notch in a very short time. This "C" is just the beginning. Expect a quick jump to a "B" soon.
What’s the damage? - 4.5 just because instead of a team photo, it looks like 2 people just posing side by side so the chemistry wasn’t obvious. They both look really good, however, so there is potential.
What’s their grade? 70%. They need some work on making their relationship as a team believable – right now they look like 2 people posing for a picture, but that could change in a hurry. We do think that they definitely hit high on the cuteness scale. Maybe that's why we can't see the burning hot chemistry that we want to. Cute is all good but at the end of the day people want to see the passion. The good news here is that Chelsie is way more feisty than Julianne ever was so this is another one with potential. We predict a fairly quick rise in their grade.
9, Tony and Melissa
Chemistry grade: C- This could easily be a D. We're trying to find the chemistry. It has to be there somewhere, right?
What’s the damage? -6 There is so much wrong with this photo that we don’t know where to start. It was just so dang bland that we could barely manage to prop open our eyelids long enough to look at it.
What’s their grade? 66% Physically, they look great, but Tony has the same damn pose every damn time and his arms look like they are shellacked into place. I think they will dance like a dream technically but I think they will have an early exit because there is a negative chemistry factor. Melissa as always is gorgeous, but she also screams “Pageant Queen” in her solo photo and well, to us that won’t earn her any brownie points. There has to be something more there than a pretty face and blinding white teeth. We've seen this all before....next.
10. Joey and Kym
Chemistry grade: D+ We just weren't feeling it. We still aren't.
What’s the damage? -7 There were lots of deductions here – he’s a handsome guy but does anybody else think that shirt was an attempt to hide a beer gut? Maybe not, but the photo didn’t work. And what’s with the extraordinary cleavage exploitation of Kym? That didn’t work either. We actually thought the girls were going to make a surprise appearance. And to think they were one of our favorites a week ago.
What’s their grade? 60% just because it’s better than Emmitt and Cheryl. Personally Joey looks more like he's about to co-host a cooking show alongside Emeril Lagasse rather than dance. Maybe it’s the color of the shirt, or the way that he's seems to be hiding behind Kym. In any case none of these photos showcase the exuberance that we fell in love with seasons ago when they danced together. We do say that in spite of the cleavage issue, Kym has gorgeous legs and that means we are jealous.
11. Emmitt and Cheryl
Chemistry grade: D Lordy, that photo is a mess. He looks like a handsome football player ready to have a few beers and hit on chicks in the pub; she looks like she might be preparing for her debut as a Vegas showgirl…or something maybe just a wee bit sleazier. Just put some feathers on her head and she’ll take off.
What’s the damage? -8 Our response to this photo was, "Aaaargh."
What’s their grade? F It is a mess. She needs to tone it down and tame the attempted sex kitten. Emmitt is a good ole boy and that's why we like him. Emmitt looks like he is being Emmitt in both the team and his solo photo. Cheryl on the other hand looks like she is using these promo photos to promote her playmate portfolio. Besides there is only room for one playmate (or former playmate) this season. Sorry Cheryl, but you've got to be a team player here, and if you can't showcase your partner then you are going to have problems. By the way, Emmitt stands out here more than Cheryl does and that's says a lot for just being yourself.
Kirstie and Maks
Chemistry grade: We’re guessing in the B- to C+ range. Not over the top sexy but because they are such good friends, we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.
What’s their damage? No clue on this – we’re thinking their photo will probably be a bit over the top but maybe not excessive. As long as her costume isn’t anything like that awful thing she wore during Season 12 for the jive (remember the leotard/purple tutu/leggings mess), they should be fine. That and the foxtrot costume still give us nightmares. We’ll say a -4 on this one.
What’s their grade? Ummm, 75%. It’ll be okay – not great but not the worst of the bunch.
Sabrina and Louis
Chemistry grade: about a C+ makes sense. Cute and quirky but no crazy chemistry.
What’s their damage? -5 We have no idea. We think it’ll be about average – a bit boring but okay.
What’s their grade? About 72%. Nothing horrible – nothing outstanding. Just cute.
And there you have it. This is how we see things based on the photos. It has nothing to do really with dancing or anything else, but instead what is projected in the photos which were frankly, a huge disappointment overall. This is what happens when you try to mess with history. They should’ve just let the past stay in the past and gone with all new celebrities. Perhaps ABC will ask for our recommendation for future partners for Tristan, although we have to say that the Tristan/Pamela match is one of their more inspired choices. There is something….delicious about this pairing. Enjoy the season!
During this upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars, you can expect a little fun, some really great performances, a lot of flat performances, some inflated scoring, some non-quicksteps trying to pass as quicksteps, a whole lot of attempts at sexy with very little actual sexy, a bunch of perfect scores thrown in all season long (most of them will be undeserved), and the overuse of props. That’s a given. But we don’t think the team that you might expect for the judges to be fawning all over will be the one to bring in that first perfect '10’. We do not believe that it will be Gilles and Peta, Shawn and Derek, or Karina and Apolo. Nope, this season will be full of surprises, and the biggest surprise of all will be that Tristan and Pamela will get that first ‘10’. We don’t know when, and we don’t know for what dance, but we’re predicting it anyway. Bold predictions are what we’re all about after all. So in the tradition of David Letterman, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Tristan MacManus and Pamela Anderson will be the first team to score a 10 from the judges in Season 15.
10. Because Tristan is very strong, Pamela is very flexible, she has the best legs ever on DWTS, and the flicks and kicks for the Jive and all of that sharp action/reaction stuff in the Argentine Tango are tailor-made for Team Whatever Their Name Is and the legs of Ms. Pamela Anderson. Just picture it. Pamela could be sitting at Burger King and be sexy. And Tristan? Holy Hot Irishman, Batman. Yep. You see where it’s going.
9. Because the judges won’t be able to stop themselves from drooling over the combination of blonde bombshell wild hair and mischievous Irish wagging tongues. This is something never tried before on DWTS, and you know anything innovative and exciting will be the talk of Wetpaint the following day. Publicity is always great, and Tristan and Pamela are going to generate plenty of conversation. Do you remember how Wetpaint was all over the Kym and Tristan Rumba from Season 13? After a Tristan and Pamela Rumba, the Kym/Tristan Rumba will be labeled “lukewarm” and fade away to a distant memory.
8. Because Tristan and Pamela are just so darned pretty. No further explanation needed. There isn’t a better looking, better matched, more smokin’ hot couple this season. We also might have mentioned that they are sexy – and sex(y) sells.
7. Because Len will lose his favorite pair of cranky pants once he sees Tristan and Pamela do a technically sound yet flirty Cha Cha that is actually a Cha Cha and not a hip hop dance masquerading as a Cha Cha, not a Cha Cha that is really a Lambada, and not a Cha Cha disguised as the Macarena. Tristan is a dance purist, remember?
6. Because Carrie Anne won’t be able to resist screeching, “That was on fiiiiyaaaaaaa!” once she sees Tristan and Pamela shake it, bend it, move it, and roll it around in the perfect Samba Roll.
5. Because Bruno is going to get hot and bothered; count on it. He wants heat? He’s going to get it - more than the ballroom can probably stand. In Season 13, the judges didn’t want a sexy Rumba from Tristan and Nancy because they felt it would be inappropriate. [insert eye roll here]. By Season 14, the judges wanted the sexy Rumba with Gladys. Tristan was right; that comment was stupid. Back to the hot and bothered element. Let’s face it; Tristan and Pamela are going to slide right to the top of the DWTS “Sexiest Couple of All Time” listings. Gilles and Cheryl and William and Cheryl are already kind of forgotten.
4. Because the word "10" is all the judges are going to be able to squeal after they see the Rumba to beat all Rumbas. Is there any doubt at all on this one? Remember Pamela and Damian? Remember all that, well, sex? Uh huh. Thought so.
3. Because let’s face it – the other 12 couples are going to be just fine and have some fun, but nobody can match the pure chemistry between Tristan and Pamela that we can already feel - - and there are still a couple of weeks before rehearsals start. 3 words: Smokin’ hot ballroom.
2. Because the judges are going to be desperate to keep Tristan and Pamela around just to see what kind of lust/love/heat/passion/intensity/sensuality they can bring the following week in Tristan’s version of “trouble.”
1. Because week after week the song title “You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet” by Bachman Turner Overdrive is going to reverberate in our heads – and their heads - (the heads of the producers, fans, judges, American people, people of the world, creatures on the planets, aliens of the universe). In other words, we’ve been waiting for this forever. This is the Team NobodyElseHasEverBeenThisHot playlist for Season 15. In fact, even if these songs aren’t part of their repertoire, you will think they are because your brain will be so fried you won’t know the difference.
"Hot, Hot, Hot" (easy choice)
"You Shook Me All Night Long" (uh yeah – you know where this is going)
"Sexual Healing" ( Remember when Gilles and Cheryl tried it for their Rumba, and it fell flat? Not this time)
"Turn Off the Lights" (yep, that's right)
"Do Ya Think I’m Sexy" (of course, we do. Both of you are sexy as sin)
"Turn Me Loose" (okay, Tristan, here's your chance to show 'em how it's done)
"Wicked Game" (because this is one of those 'have mercy' songs that will probably cause the faint of heart to be hospitalized)
"I Didn’t Mean To Turn You On" (of course they did)
"Burning Down the House" (in the figurative sense)
"Eternal Flame" (it'll be burning from Week 1 straight through to the finale)
"The Heat Is On" (it certainly is)
And since Mr. MacManus has already warned us that trouble is brewing, how about these?
And our favorite “Fever.”
Finally, it seems only fitting that that last dance of the season goes to Tristan and Pamela - “We Are the Champions.”
Are you getting the general idea now?
First of all, we will preface this post with a huge disclaimer: We both suck at predictions of any kind, and our original predictions of the pairings are laughable, so you can imagine how this will go – since it is all about predictions. Our advice is to just take this all with a grain of salt. This is our perspective on who is going home when, why they are hitting the trail when they are, and what each couple will bring to the competition. Knowing our writing history, you guys can just imagine where this one is going, but in our own little world, this is how we see things turning out. This is all about not only who will finish where, why the “favorites” will knock each other out because of split fan bases, and what each of the esteemed 12 teams (plus the phantom team we still don’t have identified) will bring to the competition.
13. The Unknowns – We’re dumping this team at the bottom because we don’t even know what or whom we’re dealing with. What will they bring? Who knows? We don’t even know which pro or which celebrity so we might as well stick them at the bottom of the pile. It could be Sabrina and Henry (the Dream Team), Sabrina and Sasha (another good option), Sabrina and Dmitry (a great idea), or Sabrina and Louis (not a great idea). It could be Kyle (we think with Lacey but possibly Sharna) or potentially our favorite Carson who we want back because he is pure entertainment, pure fun, pure joy, and we would love to see him dance with the very fun and entertaining Sharna Burgess (although they probably will never do that with Lacey still in the mix). Heck, we will volunteer to dance with Carson. Shakes actually cried when he left the competition in Season 13 because he was just so darned likable. True story.
12. Val and Kelly – This team is bringing the “It was a long, long time ago” factor as well as the “we don’t get it” factor, and thus, we see this as a very early exit. In spite of two seasons on DWTS and lots of chest exposure, Val is still unproven as a pro; he had limited time with Elisabetta and that went nowhere fast, and he had an extremely popular celebrity in Sherri, yet they were sent packing very early last season. There is no way that Kelly is as popular as Sherri, and we’re still waiting for the WOW choreography and performance from Val and his partner. Then there is this little problem: Season 1 of DWTS was a long time ago and a very different show than it is now. The cast from Season 1 can’t hold a candle to any of the last few seasons. What was the best dancing back then will not cut it this season, so we hope that Kelly has been practicing her Cha Cha because as far as we can see these two are going to be hitting the road early. The thing is that we love them both, but we do not love them together. Kelly may have won Season 1 but she is probably also the least known of any of the celebrities in Season 15. She would have been better suited for Mark Ballas. They would have been fun to watch.
11. Mark and Bristol – They bring the “Uh Oh, This Shouldn’t Have Happened” factor because let’s face it, this one just isn’t right. Mark won a mirror ball trophy with Shawn, and Shawn ended up with Derek? That wouldn’t be a problem if Bristol had won a MBT, but her scores were abysmal every single week. We do feel that personality wise Mark is the best fit for Bristol, but they are going to really have to step it up in order to make a dent in the competition. After looking at her scores from Season 11, it’s pretty clear that she is by far the weakest in this competition, and there’s no way that she is finale bound. We would probably have put her first to go and our reasoning has nothing to do with politics or controversy. She tried to improve when she was on the show, and Mark did a great job of teaching, but Mark has earned his place on DWTS and he deserved someone with a legitimate shot at winning, and Bristol just isn’t that. Go back and look at her scores from Season 11. She should not be back for All-Stars, but even more importantly she shouldn’t have been with Mark. Val perhaps would have been better or a new pro from the troupe. And just to make clear – Mark was never one of our favorite pros, but he earned rock star status last season not only because of his great partnership with Katherine (who was, in our opinion, the best dancer by far in that competition), but because he chose Tristan for the Trio Dance and gave us all something truly remarkable to enjoy and remember.
10. Tony and Melissa – They bring the “Should’ve Had Different Partners” mix into the equation. The first time around in Season 8 they were a surprise last minute entry, and she won a lot of votes because of the idiot on the Bachelor who treated her like crap. She was also lots of fun. Tony didn’t do his best choreography, however, and we don’t think she ever fully reached her potential. In the years since Season 8, we often wondered what she would have been like with another partner. That was a long time ago, however, and while Melissa is arguably the best dancer of the females, Tony can only use the ballet so much this time as an integral tool of his choreography. Let’s face it, there isn’t any chemistry to speak of here which means that in spite of the technical proficiency (which will probably be better than anybody in the competition), the artistry and heat won’t be there. As much as we like and respect Tony, he just doesn't connect with his partners the way that other pros do. He's a gentleman, and she's a sweetheart, but this mix isn't going to make for exciting TV. The viewers want to see something unique and exciting and sexy these two don't have that kind of dynamic. Technically, they are very, very good but artistically? Meh. This is not going to end well. Oh yeah – Tony sometimes makes odd costume choices. We’re just throwing that out there for future reference.
9. Peta and Gilles – These two unfortunately are going to bring the disappointment this season. Was anyone else here super stoked that Gilles was coming back this season just to be slapped in the face with the Peta pairing? We know how you feel. Gilles and Peta are supposed to bring the smoldering sensuality but we’re not sure it’s going to happen. They will bring the heat but not of the believable variety. Peta’s a great dancer and a gorgeous woman, but we haven’t seen extraordinary choreography yet, and Gilles isn’t Donald Driver, meaning there’s no way he can do the lifts that got her the MBT last season. In Season 14, the judges seemed to ignore a lot because they were awed by his strength. We loved Gilles and Cheryl, and we would have really loved Gilles and Karina or Gilles and Anna this season. We would have loved Peta and Joey too so he could have brought out her fun side - something we just haven’t seen from her. She takes everything way too seriously – all that frowning when the judges give a little criticism became tedious. Anyway, we just aren’t seeing how this is going to work. There’s a difference between acting sexy and being sexy. For lessons taught by the masters of sexy, go to #1 on this list.
8. Maks and Kirstie – They bring the “Should Have Stopped and Thought This Through” factor. They were great fun together in Season 11, but the novelty has worn off. We adored every second of their fun-loving rehearsals, their good-natured bickering, and their great partnership, but there’s a big ‘but’ to follow. The jokes won’t work the second time, the bickering was amusing once but won’t be now, and we’re afraid Maks and Kirstie will be making a very early exit – not in the first couple of weeks but probably in the first 60% of episodes. Kirstie is talented, hardworking, and feisty, but stacked up against a lot of these past winners we just don't think that people are going to vote for this Season 11 rerun again. There are too many other far more entertaining couples in Season 15, and the huge voting fan base will no doubt be splintered apart when there are so many appealing choices. This is probably too high of a placement in reality, but this season is so puzzling that anything could happen.
7. Derek and Shawn – This team will bring the unexpected, but maybe not the good kind, and we’ve been tempted to call it Team Maybe. Or Team Maybe Not. This is a bit of a conundrum, and we’re not sure what to expect. We didn’t like the pair when it was announced because it was predictable, and we hate the predictable immensely. The women in the field are relatively weak to start with, but of course, Shawn was going to go to Derek because he may be calling it quits after this year and ABC obviously wants to send him off in a huge way. We don’t think, however, that this is going to have the intended results unless the judging is so skewered that inflating scoring becomes the norm. Even the early pictures of them this week just standing together seem awkward. Derek may be in his twenties but compared to Shawn, he looks like a dirty old man. Shawn is also coming off of a injury that made her pull out of the Olympics this year, and as we all know, anyone who becomes Derek's partner ends up getting the “Most Injuries In One Season Award.” See where we are going with this? Shawn has grown up since she won DWTS but she’s still a little girl in comparison to the rest. She and Mark made it work; She and Derek will probably have it out by week 3. Somebody’s going to end up crying...or breaking a rib. You know what would have been fun? Shawn Johnson and Henry Byalikov or Shawn and Sasha Farber. Either of those pairings would have been great to see!
6. Cheryl and Emmitt – They will bring the fun – and probably more fun than anybody else. Our jaws dropped when these two were announced as being partners for Season 15. No Gilles for Cheryl? No Drew? But now it makes sense. Gilles and Cheryl are too obvious, and the Drew and Anna matchup makes us go all gooey with possibilities. Cheryl and Emmitt are going to have a great time, and we think we can say goodbye to the tough, sometimes meanie pants Cheryl of the last few seasons. We don’t think Emmitt will be the best technically but he has a wonderful personality and has a great presence on the dance floor. They could easily finish a little or a lot higher in this competition because Emmitt is going to make Cheryl a very fun pro all over again.
5. Chelsie and Helio – They will bring the feel good factor, and this pairing took us 100% by surprise. We do think it’s going to be one of the more serious matchups this season, but both have an incredible energy. We have a feeling that Helio will have a similar chemistry with Chelsie that Ty did. They will bring lots of fun, lots of energy and lots of discipline. Chelsie is a strict taskmaster for someone so young, but Helio is a bit older, an athlete, and used to tough love. Yep, these two have all the makings to be an easy Fan Favorite, and we say, "Bring it on." We think the world is going to fall a little bit in love with Chelsie and Helio.
4. Kym and Joey - There won’t be a Bye Bye Bye for Kym and Joey for many, many weeks. Joey and Kym aren’t going to bring the sexy, and the heat will be slightly above the lukewarm level, but they will get an A++ for bringing the fun. Think of these two as the DWTS version of Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello. They won’t take themselves too seriously, but they already know how to win. And we'll be tuning in week after week with a huge grin on faces, and every time they dance, we will be visualizing Kym and Joey as Annette and Frankie frolicking on the beach in a new version of "Beach Blanket Bingo." We cannot wait to see Kym and Joey, Part 2, and in fact, this is the only rerun that we are 100% excited about – not Maks and Kirstie, not Melissa and Tony, not Mark and Bristol, and not Emmitt and Cheryl. This one is such a good one that it's destiny that they finish high in the competition.
3. Karina and Apolo – They are going to bring the mystery and then they are going to bring the WOW factor. At first, we weren’t sure about anything about this pair, but then we started thinking about Karina’s amazing work with J.R. and with Gavin (forget the boat prop fiasco). Apolo and Julianne were good, but it’s been a few years, and we doubt if Apolo has been taking too many spins around the dance floor since then. This time he’s with a woman, not a 19 year old pro or however old she was. Originally, we were scratching our heads and saying, "Whaaaattttt?" But we've had a change of heart, and we're sure that once the season progresses these two will eventually bring the “Ahhhh, yes”. Apolo is a very good dancer, and Karina...well....she is a nuclear meltdown waiting to happen. We don't quite know yet whether she and Apolo will have the same chemistry that he did with Julianne but we are betting yes because that chemistry wasn’t a sexy chemistry like, oh say, Tristan and Pamela will have. Instead it is a fun, flirty style that will work for almost all dances, but probably not for a Tango, Rumba, or Lambada (yeah, we’re hoping for that this season for obvious reasons). Karina is a brilliant choreographer, and Apolo's got the moves so only time will tell. We’re betting top 3.
2. Anna and Drew – They are going to bring the firecracker and the POP angle, and this is the one match that was consistently predicted most by our site members in the Match the Pros and Celebrities Contest. This one just works, and we bet they end up right near the top when the season ends. Why? This is a brilliant, perfect match. She’s serious, he’s serious, but both have great senses of humor. They are pretty people, lovely individuals, and he will be willing to take on Anna’s choreography – something she hasn’t had since she was partnered with the deliciously talented Evan Lysacek. We just can't stop "ooohing and aaaahing" about Anna and Drew. We can't find a single downside to this couple. Everything works.
1. Tristan and Pamela – What do they bring? Duh. They bring the sexy, and nobody is going to touch it. Just look at the other 11 (12) couples, and even though Mr. Marini is the poster boy for sexy, he and Peta cannot possibly win this one. If there were Olympic medals for sexy, Tristan and Pamela would win gold, silver and bronze. In fact, these two get our award for the sexiest couple of the season and the season hasn't even started yet. Why? We'll just look at them. They are both gorgeous individuals who know how to exude sensuality - and it's real, not fake. If Tristan knew how to bring out his inner sexy with Kym, Peta, Karina, and Chelsea, then we can bet you money that Tristan and Pamela's chemistry this season is going to be grounds for a serious sexy movie rating. And let's just say that SWAT won’t be letting her kids watch Prince Tristan Rumba with Princess Pamela. Shakes will be spending the rest of her days packed in ice. Need we say more? Well, other than that surprise Mirror Ball Trophy for Team Hot, Hotter, and Hottest....
[Another reason that we predict Tristan and Pamela to win is because this is Tristan’s website and it would be very tacky of us to even suggest anyone else might have a shot at it. And neon tutus and crazy experiences in Vegas aside, we are NOT tacky. Much.]
So what do you think of our bold and crazy predictions? As long as you agree that Pamela and Tristan WILL win, the rest of the predictions don't really matter, right?
We were thinking (an always dangerous proposition) and this burning dilemma popped into our heads: If you think about most of the male pros on DWTS and try to figure out which member of MML would be their ideal dance partner, it could be rather interesting - or chaotic because all of the ladies on this site would want to dance with Tristan. You see the problem now? We had to figure it all out, but let's face it. Tristan is good, but he can't dance with all of us. Alas, that just isn’t happening, so those of you who got singled out here are just going to have to suck it up and dance (well, not really, just in our imaginations) with the pro we mention. If nothing else, our logic should amuse you because there is no logic. In fact, this whole thing doesn’t make any sense at all which is precisely why we wrote it.
Tristan – Azline Dancer gets the Irish Love Doctor as her Rumba partner. Enough said. Understudies: Kellan, Kieran, and Brenna – all of whom have delicious Irish names that make us jealous that we have plain old ordinary names.
Mark – Cha Cha. Out of all of the sexy avatars, Cha Cha picked crazy-ass devil boy, or maybe just Mephistopheles. Clearly she has a dark side. Mark goes a bit over the top on the make-up sometimes too which makes us wonder if he has a dark side, so this seemed like a good fit. Mark does crazy choreography. Cha Cha may or may not be crazy. It works for us. Understudy: Chiquita. We're not sure why, but she seems a little out there too, so why not? After all, her user name may be related to bananas or maybe she really is just "little chica" or "babe." She's not telling, and we're afraid to ask, just in case she has some connection to Mephistopheles.
Derek - Shakes. First of all, Shakes’ eyes are really crappy and she wants to be up close to see if all that blonde is as blindingly blonde as it looks on tv. Besides, she figures she could probably teach him a thing or do about doing a proper Samba – especially after Tristan teaches her those Samba rolls in the dance lesson because let’s face it, no matter who came up with the idea, it was Derek’s Bollywood Samba that planted seeds of doubt about whether or not he might need to learn about a Samba. Understudy: DWTSRinger – because Derek always gets ringers.
Maks - Teal Ribbon. Maks is opinionated, but he would definitely meet his match with our own Teal Ribbon. With her quick wit and confidence, we are sure that she could really reign in the Mouth of DWTS. Maks stands no chance. There would also be plenty of drama in rehearsal footage. Besides, TR likes to trash talk, and probably would borrow Shakes’s green glitter covered walker and orthopedic shoes to tease Maks into a false sense of security. Watch the smackdown. Understudy: 153Dancer – We remember her from the ABC boards, and she takes no crap from anybody. It’s a match made in smackdown heaven, in the event that TR is unable to fulfill her smackdown responsibilities.
Val - Em33. Okay Em, it's payback time for bringing the legendary bra discussion into the fold. Val is a flirty dude but awfully laid back and kind of quiet – so quiet we sometimes forget about him, but no more. Based on his tweets, we know he is edgy and has a foul mouth to boot, so Em could probably easily take him. We can just see him being instantly intrigued by Em's seemingly innocent forum discussion about cup sizes. Understudy: Reformed Lurker. She is the queen of the bold bumper stickers so maybe she can loosen Val up in the event that the whole bra cup size thing doesn’t do it.
Dmitry - Everybody wants to dance with Dmitry. He’s gorgeous. He’s sexy, He has a great chest and…he’s gorgeous. No, ladies, you can’t fight over him. We’ve decided that we’re tossing 3 of our craziest named people his way, and let him figure it out. LovetheHeartthrob (maybe she’ll switch her attentions to Dmitry to give us all a better chance with Tristan), StirredNot Shaken (because well, we think that sounds cool and makes us want to sample exotic drinks and Dmitry knows all about that from Vegas), and Cupcake, whose name is as intriguing as Dmitry himself. We’re still wondering why she is “Cupcake” instead of “Tiramisu” or “Éclair” but whatever works. Besides, Dmitry could handle all 3 of them. Did you ever get a look at him without his shirt? Enough said. Understudy: No understudy needed here. He’s going to have his hands full with those 3.
Louis - KBRM – We’re still trying to figure Louis out, and we will never understand what makes him say the things he does or what makes him tick. Same with KBRM, or KinkyBootsReallyMatter, as we lovingly refer to her. Understudy: Ripley because she will be able to figure out what he's talking about kind of like she's always able to figure out what we're talking about. Or at least she pretends to.
Henry - Patty - This partnership would work well mainly because these two have nearly nomadic lifestyles. Henry has been all over the earth and back the past few months, so we feel that Patty would suit him perfectly. They both could be on DWTS, and handle the stress of traveling and rehearsing in between shows. Understudy: TinglyWink. Another globetrotter who was just in Tuscany or some other spot that we’re jealous of.
Sasha - Lily - Sasha is the DWTS version of Lily, and all of those crazy backflips just scream “Lily” and her caffeinated self. Lily is funny, sweet, and completely high voltage - just like Sasha. Talk about endless energy on the dance floor with these two. Not to mention that Lily is naturally high-energy without listing Starbucks as her permanent address (unlike Shakes) and has such a positive attitude that I'm sure she'd be game for any kind of back flip, aerial, etc. and/or crazy jive choreography Sasha would throw at her. Understudy: Jayne - she’s fun, she’s sassy, and she’ll be outrageous. Yep. That’ll work.
Tony - This was a tough one, but we’re going with classy, strong, elegant, and with somebody who can move. We’re assuming LatinDancer really is a Latin Dancer and that she and Tony can Samba, Salsa, and Cha Cha like nobody’s business. Understudies: 1. Bailarina. After all, look how great Tony did with Melissa Rycroft and how he took advantage off all of that ballet training. We like the possibilities here. In fact, maybe LD and Bailarina can sort of tag team on this one. Tony deserves a real dancer for a change so we’re giving him a couple of them. 2. All Shook Up – who better to shake things up on the dance floor than our own All Shook Up? And if Latin Dancer can’t shake Tony up, we’re betting ASU is up to the task.
Corky Ballas - After Cloris and Florence, Corky deserves somebody light on her feet, hence, TwinkleToes gets the honors. Corky is amazing, but he’s never had just the right partner. Understudy: Just step up to the plate and sign up. Corky is the best, and you can't go wrong here.
Damian - We're going with the Distracteds. Okay so there are about 412 Distracteds on our site (along with their relatives – Bemused, Mystified, etc. or as we call ‘em, The Adjectives), but there is a reason why we paired them all up with the super hunky Damian Whitewood. You have to remember that they are called the Distracteds for a reason. They get all caught up in all the gorgeousness and get, well, distracted. And being that Damian is one sexy dude, we are sure that they will be plenty distracted. Therefore, we put them all into the mix so that while the others are staring off into space with goofy grins on their faces and drooling, Damian will hopefully get to dance with at least one of them. No understudies needed because poor Damian will have a whole gaggle of Distracteds to deal with.
Jonathan – Not Jane Austen. That's her name. Really. She sounds literary and smart. Jonathan is smart – after all he married Anna Trebunskaya, our favorite female pro. He also has the patience of a saint, and knowing NJA, they would probably be sitting around discussing Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, or Pride and Prejudice. Two intellectuals dancing together. It makes sense. But then she says she’s not Jane Austen. Uh oh. We're getting confused so we're not listing an understudy.
Alec Mazo – Speaking of intellectuals, this man just got a Master's Degree from Stanford. He and his beautiful wife, Edyta, have plenty of smarts, so that is why we’re choosing the brains of the forum to dance with him. The calming force. The voice of reason. The logical mind. Okay, none of that is true, but SWAT is getting this one anyway because Shakes figures that with some of the outlandish costumes Alec has come up with (remember the Madame Pompadour look for Toni Braxton?), he would be the one to appreciate SWAT’s tutu-esqueness. Understudy: RomanceWriter24 - While NotJane Austen is dancing with Jonathan, our Romance Writer can Tango with Alec. Intelligence is attractive, no matter who is wearing it.
So there you have it We realize we've left out a few pros here and there, and we know we've left out a few of you from MML (like 300 of you), but we wanted to have a bit of fun. Since we can't all dance with Tristan, we decided to spread all that talent around among the pros. We're sure they will appreciate it.