When we first saw the photos of Tristan pre-show, we grimaced, darn near fainted, and wanted to get the brush and take it to his hair. The bad haircut (yeah, we don’t like it) of the previous week was still there, the gorgeous bedhead that has proven to be such an inspiration for so many of our blogs was still gone, and we had us a mess of three inch high lopsided poofiness. What does ABC have against the MacManiacs anyways? Haven't we tuned in week after week to watch Tristan and up their ratings? Haven't we spent hour after hour after hour voting to keep him and Gladys on the show? Haven't we almost killed our computers burning them up with Design a Dance voting? It's hard not to take this bedhead sabotage personally, but we probably all agree that Tristan's bedhead was one of his many anatomical superpowers. So jot this down for the future ABC: We like Tristan shaggy!
Then there was the Freddie Mercury look-a-like thing going on which we have to admit that he pulled off pretty well. But that was nothing. The best part of the night was that this bad boy with bad hair had himself a heck of a gorgeous babe on his arm – even if her fake eyelashes were so weighted down with rhinestones, glitter, and whatever else, that we couldn’t even see her eyes. It didn’t matter. Because it worked. And we have no idea why, or maybe we do because after all Tristan seems to be able to pull off looks that none of the other male pros can even hope to do.
Then we figured that all of these crazy looks had to be part of Bruno’s after show costume party. Why else would the hair be the focal point of the dance? Not the costume with silver tails (hot, but not my cup of tea for everyday wear), not the tattoos (very hot and very appropriate to the costume for this big old party), and not the green and white saddle oxfords/spats that he brought out for this dance after days of us being teased by them in rehearsal and paparazzi videos. Let’s not forget that awful guy-liner that was just flat out creepy. Okay, to be fair we have a difference of opinion on the guy-liner issue. One of us thinks it's kinda icky (Shakes), and the other thinks it's kinda hot in that androgynous, Bowie sort of way (SWAT). Shakes went as far to say it made him look like he had just won the Guiness record for doing pre-show tequila shots, while SWAT thought it made him like a naughty, naughty boy. How could something that creepy be that sexy? It obviously has to do with the costume party at Bruno’s house. But then we were told that for security purposes there was no party. Now should we take this as an insult, and did Tristan get a hot tip that we were planning on attending? After looking back at our own costume choices from our Road Trip blogs (remember those?) perhaps the fear of us showing up in our thimble-sized swimsuit and jaw-dropping tutu was a key factor in our invitation snub. But seriously, we're sure Bruno would have escorted us right up to the VIP table because he finds us quirky and refreshing – adjectives frequently used to describe both of us.
Finally we realized what was happening here. It was all a ruse to trick the other 18 people (or 25 if you count all the big egos) competing in Week 4 (you’re smart – 9 couples = 18 people) into playing a bad game of dress-up. If you thought that the explosion of the ruffles was odd (Melissa), just recall the weird two-toned skintight butt ugly unflattering unitard mess that yes, made Maks’s butt look huge. Then there was the non-costume (Donald) that hypnotized them into a false sense of security. Heck, even Peta was missing the top of her dress – she had the bra and not much else. We can't forget that Brooke's hair was so big that it had its own zip code or the fact that Tom Bergeron is never dressed up for theme week? What's up with that? Oh, and don’t forget the “I will never wear lavender again without being afraid” exotic bird makeup sported by Karina and Gavin’s equally strange “I bought my poet-sleeved 1996 glam rock costume at the dollar store” garb, although SWAT did think the guy-liner kinda worked for Gavin as well. Shakes did not. She’s too conservative and boring, and her brain is fried with excessive visions of Samba rolls.
Then there is the hot pink – yeah, of all the colors in the world, put a kid like Roshon in hot pink to dance to that rock classic “Time Of My Life” by David Cook. So Chelsie? What possible reason do you have for the hot pink fiasco? We can't think of a single thing unless you had nightmares about the pink flamingo collection you visualized on Shakes's front lawn. And we are delighted that Sherri went for a very understated and elegant look that, sorry Sherri, screamed that you just came out of the trailer park (probably one with pink flamingos) and became a street walker. Val must have forgotten his shirt at home again (somebody really needs to write his name on the inside tag of his shirts so people can return them to him when they are found) because we were subjected once again to watching him saunter down those stairs in a super sheer over shirt that was due to be returned to “Tacky ‘R Us” because it’s both tacky, overused, and ready for retirement. Let’s simplify things. I think these two were supposed to be thinking Bustin’ A Move but it instead ended up being Bustin' Out All Over.
Let us not forget the attempted Mohawk with the date with the big hair that had absolutely no resemblance at all to Alice Cooper. The residents of my grandmother’s nursing home were closer to reality. Derek? A word of advice. You can’t look fierce, mean, or even rebellious, so give it up. They should have put a Tina Turner wig on Derek...that would have been better. No seriously, we really mean that. You want to play the bad boy, might I suggest you take lessons from the Irish Love Doctor who has more personalities than you want to mess with. Maria? If you can dance you can walk. No need for a piggyback ride...nuff' said. Now we have a problem, MacManiacs. We have no clue what Cheryl was and we have no clue what William was. It wasn’t scary, it wasn’t sexy, it was random. Hmmmm. Maybe Bruno can help us figure it out. Oh wait. Now we know. William must have been the junior member of Menudo’s Dairy Queen's Hell’s Angels.
Then there are Kym and Jaleel. Hmmm. Interesting concept. It ain’t the Nude Review with a token amount of flimsy red scarving and Jaleel in what we call “pimp-er-ooni” costume. What the hell was that? Okay, we get it. It was a leopard on the prowl (leopard scarf and lining) and the red was the blood and guts from the kill. Okay, this was a paso, right? Or was it? We thought it was supposed to be a bull and a cape, not a leopard being hunted on safari by some overdressed hunter - or was she the hunter? We're still not sure. Then we remembered it was a Tango, not a Paso. That was one confusing dance, and the costumes messed with our heads and convinced us it was a New Age Paso, but apparently not. Not only that, but we can definitely see Jagger doing a better job of breaking out that super sexy swagger, but all Jaleel kept blathering about was George Jefferson. Um yeah...and since when is George Jefferson sexy, rock n' roll, or at ALL like Jagger? We love you Jaleel, but sometimes we just have no clue what you're talking about, and all the escalating show drama makes us cranky and impatient.
Now let’s think about the Bad Girl/Bad Boy failure of motorcycle mama Katherine Jenkins. Uh, nope. Not working or me. Mark? You wanna be bad? Go talk to the I.L.D. how to make it believable. That bad boy has the facial expressions and the attitude to pull it off. No offense, Mark, because you’ve done a pretty good job this year in keeping the grimaces under control but on this special night, you looked like you were about to have a root canal. Or a colonoscopy.
So we’re back to the lean, mean, fighting bad-ass rocker dude with the most beautiful of lovely ladies on his arm. Bruno? Meet a real rock star and an Empress of Soul who knows how to sell it.
Remember the Halloween episode from Season 13 where they gave Tristan the most ambitious costume of the evening? They didn't know what to do with the other male pros so they dressed them up as wolf man hybrids and gave Tristan the creepy, yet oddly suiting Mephistopheles. I mean, who else can pull off fake facial hair, sallow green skin, and a tacky as hell top hat? Certainly not Derek. Not Mark. Not Maks, or Val, or any of the rest either. This bad boy knows just how to drive the ladies wild even if he does have bad hair and weird guy- liner that makes one of us hurl and the other one pant.
What was supposed to be “Rock Week” turned out to be nothing more than an excuse to dress up the female troupe members like pole dancers and the male troupe members into French Acrobat Mimes. How, oh how can fish net stockings and male unitards be cool? Please tell us, cause we just can't figure it out.
We've come to realize that this blog has served as much needed bitch-fest regarding the other teams...and perhaps we are being harsh, but sometimes we just don't know where DWTS gets this stuff. Next time there’s a metaphorical costume party at Bruno’s house, I think they should just follow Tom Bergeron’s lead and not show up.