We were thinking (an always dangerous proposition) and this burning dilemma popped into our heads: If you think about most of the male pros on DWTS and try to figure out which member of MML would be their ideal dance partner, it could be rather interesting - or chaotic because all of the ladies on this site would want to dance with Tristan. You see the problem now? We had to figure it all out, but let's face it. Tristan is good, but he can't dance with all of us. Alas, that just isn’t happening, so those of you who got singled out here are just going to have to suck it up and dance (well, not really, just in our imaginations) with the pro we mention. If nothing else, our logic should amuse you because there is no logic. In fact, this whole thing doesn’t make any sense at all which is precisely why we wrote it.
Tristan – Azline Dancer gets the Irish Love Doctor as her Rumba partner. Enough said. Understudies: Kellan, Kieran, and Brenna – all of whom have delicious Irish names that make us jealous that we have plain old ordinary names.
Mark – Cha Cha. Out of all of the sexy avatars, Cha Cha picked crazy-ass devil boy, or maybe just Mephistopheles. Clearly she has a dark side. Mark goes a bit over the top on the make-up sometimes too which makes us wonder if he has a dark side, so this seemed like a good fit. Mark does crazy choreography. Cha Cha may or may not be crazy. It works for us. Understudy: Chiquita. We're not sure why, but she seems a little out there too, so why not? After all, her user name may be related to bananas or maybe she really is just "little chica" or "babe." She's not telling, and we're afraid to ask, just in case she has some connection to Mephistopheles.
Derek - Shakes. First of all, Shakes’ eyes are really crappy and she wants to be up close to see if all that blonde is as blindingly blonde as it looks on tv. Besides, she figures she could probably teach him a thing or do about doing a proper Samba – especially after Tristan teaches her those Samba rolls in the dance lesson because let’s face it, no matter who came up with the idea, it was Derek’s Bollywood Samba that planted seeds of doubt about whether or not he might need to learn about a Samba. Understudy: DWTSRinger – because Derek always gets ringers.
Maks - Teal Ribbon. Maks is opinionated, but he would definitely meet his match with our own Teal Ribbon. With her quick wit and confidence, we are sure that she could really reign in the Mouth of DWTS. Maks stands no chance. There would also be plenty of drama in rehearsal footage. Besides, TR likes to trash talk, and probably would borrow Shakes’s green glitter covered walker and orthopedic shoes to tease Maks into a false sense of security. Watch the smackdown. Understudy: 153Dancer – We remember her from the ABC boards, and she takes no crap from anybody. It’s a match made in smackdown heaven, in the event that TR is unable to fulfill her smackdown responsibilities.
Val - Em33. Okay Em, it's payback time for bringing the legendary bra discussion into the fold. Val is a flirty dude but awfully laid back and kind of quiet – so quiet we sometimes forget about him, but no more. Based on his tweets, we know he is edgy and has a foul mouth to boot, so Em could probably easily take him. We can just see him being instantly intrigued by Em's seemingly innocent forum discussion about cup sizes. Understudy: Reformed Lurker. She is the queen of the bold bumper stickers so maybe she can loosen Val up in the event that the whole bra cup size thing doesn’t do it.
Dmitry - Everybody wants to dance with Dmitry. He’s gorgeous. He’s sexy, He has a great chest and…he’s gorgeous. No, ladies, you can’t fight over him. We’ve decided that we’re tossing 3 of our craziest named people his way, and let him figure it out. LovetheHeartthrob (maybe she’ll switch her attentions to Dmitry to give us all a better chance with Tristan), StirredNot Shaken (because well, we think that sounds cool and makes us want to sample exotic drinks and Dmitry knows all about that from Vegas), and Cupcake, whose name is as intriguing as Dmitry himself. We’re still wondering why she is “Cupcake” instead of “Tiramisu” or “Éclair” but whatever works. Besides, Dmitry could handle all 3 of them. Did you ever get a look at him without his shirt? Enough said. Understudy: No understudy needed here. He’s going to have his hands full with those 3.
Louis - KBRM – We’re still trying to figure Louis out, and we will never understand what makes him say the things he does or what makes him tick. Same with KBRM, or KinkyBootsReallyMatter, as we lovingly refer to her. Understudy: Ripley because she will be able to figure out what he's talking about kind of like she's always able to figure out what we're talking about. Or at least she pretends to.
Henry - Patty - This partnership would work well mainly because these two have nearly nomadic lifestyles. Henry has been all over the earth and back the past few months, so we feel that Patty would suit him perfectly. They both could be on DWTS, and handle the stress of traveling and rehearsing in between shows. Understudy: TinglyWink. Another globetrotter who was just in Tuscany or some other spot that we’re jealous of.
Sasha - Lily - Sasha is the DWTS version of Lily, and all of those crazy backflips just scream “Lily” and her caffeinated self. Lily is funny, sweet, and completely high voltage - just like Sasha. Talk about endless energy on the dance floor with these two. Not to mention that Lily is naturally high-energy without listing Starbucks as her permanent address (unlike Shakes) and has such a positive attitude that I'm sure she'd be game for any kind of back flip, aerial, etc. and/or crazy jive choreography Sasha would throw at her. Understudy: Jayne - she’s fun, she’s sassy, and she’ll be outrageous. Yep. That’ll work.
Tony - This was a tough one, but we’re going with classy, strong, elegant, and with somebody who can move. We’re assuming LatinDancer really is a Latin Dancer and that she and Tony can Samba, Salsa, and Cha Cha like nobody’s business. Understudies: 1. Bailarina. After all, look how great Tony did with Melissa Rycroft and how he took advantage off all of that ballet training. We like the possibilities here. In fact, maybe LD and Bailarina can sort of tag team on this one. Tony deserves a real dancer for a change so we’re giving him a couple of them. 2. All Shook Up – who better to shake things up on the dance floor than our own All Shook Up? And if Latin Dancer can’t shake Tony up, we’re betting ASU is up to the task.
Corky Ballas - After Cloris and Florence, Corky deserves somebody light on her feet, hence, TwinkleToes gets the honors. Corky is amazing, but he’s never had just the right partner. Understudy: Just step up to the plate and sign up. Corky is the best, and you can't go wrong here.
Damian - We're going with the Distracteds. Okay so there are about 412 Distracteds on our site (along with their relatives – Bemused, Mystified, etc. or as we call ‘em, The Adjectives), but there is a reason why we paired them all up with the super hunky Damian Whitewood. You have to remember that they are called the Distracteds for a reason. They get all caught up in all the gorgeousness and get, well, distracted. And being that Damian is one sexy dude, we are sure that they will be plenty distracted. Therefore, we put them all into the mix so that while the others are staring off into space with goofy grins on their faces and drooling, Damian will hopefully get to dance with at least one of them. No understudies needed because poor Damian will have a whole gaggle of Distracteds to deal with.
Jonathan – Not Jane Austen. That's her name. Really. She sounds literary and smart. Jonathan is smart – after all he married Anna Trebunskaya, our favorite female pro. He also has the patience of a saint, and knowing NJA, they would probably be sitting around discussing Sense and Sensibility, Persuasion, or Pride and Prejudice. Two intellectuals dancing together. It makes sense. But then she says she’s not Jane Austen. Uh oh. We're getting confused so we're not listing an understudy.
Alec Mazo – Speaking of intellectuals, this man just got a Master's Degree from Stanford. He and his beautiful wife, Edyta, have plenty of smarts, so that is why we’re choosing the brains of the forum to dance with him. The calming force. The voice of reason. The logical mind. Okay, none of that is true, but SWAT is getting this one anyway because Shakes figures that with some of the outlandish costumes Alec has come up with (remember the Madame Pompadour look for Toni Braxton?), he would be the one to appreciate SWAT’s tutu-esqueness. Understudy: RomanceWriter24 - While NotJane Austen is dancing with Jonathan, our Romance Writer can Tango with Alec. Intelligence is attractive, no matter who is wearing it.
So there you have it We realize we've left out a few pros here and there, and we know we've left out a few of you from MML (like 300 of you), but we wanted to have a bit of fun. Since we can't all dance with Tristan, we decided to spread all that talent around among the pros. We're sure they will appreciate it.