As most of you know, we traditionally do our pre-season awards, our mid-season awards, and our post-season awards but we do them whenever we feel like it. This time, however, DWTS got away from us – probably because the magic was missing, and maybe because we just didn't feel like it. You know what we’re talking about; there was no Tristan MacManus lighting up the stage, working his dance magic, and getting the MacManiacs all riled up.
So here you have it – our Season 18 awards. It doesn't matter that the season has a couple of weeks to go. We’re going with what we know, and our opinions are not likely to change. By the way, some of the awards might seem a wee bit repetitive but that’s because we have such strong opinions that dual awards were necessary – often to the same person. And here we go….
The 'Out Of Tea' Give the Girl a Parka Award – This one goes to Peta. Yes, Peta wore real clothes Week 8 but we don’t expect that trend to continue. She has to have a severe case of frostbite by now – LA or not. Yikes. The sweatshirt that our friend Sarah (Out of Tea) was planning to send Peta just doesn’t seem like nearly enough. Hence, we're sending a parka.
The Risky Business Award – The winner has to be James. We’re not sure what that costume was a couple of weeks ago, but it highly resembled a diaper which is kind of like underwear so we give James the “slide across the floor in your tighty whities while pretending to be Tom Cruise” award.
The Cover It Up, Please Award – This goes to all of those male pros who have decided that we like their bare, waxed, shiny chests. Apparently the men of DWTS also seem to think that we want to see them dance shirtless again and again. Nope. It’s old news. It’s boring. It’s not even hot any longer. Besides, none of those guys have “The Chest”. For more information on “The Chest” see our previous blog or just think “Tristan MacManus.”
The Dude, We Want Hair Like That Award – This goes to Charlie. We cried when Sharna made him slick his hair back because Charlie’s hair was meant to be wild and free, curly and gorgeous. It works with any dance, any place, any time.
The Please No More Supersized Anything Award – Supersized Freestyles are bad enough, and keep in mind that even McDonalds decided that supersized meals were a bad idea. All of these extras thrown in for various dances seem more like filler, filler, and more filler. It’s distracting us from the actual celebrity contestant….oh wait. Was that the idea? Tsk Tsk. We’re supposed to be watching the celebrities dance not looking at a bunch of other random people clouding the issue.
The Who Are They Again Award – Unfortunately, this is going to the troupe. We kind of forgot about them. Even with our beloved Sasha in the mix, we still can't remember who is in and who is out. Ah, we think back to when the troupe made a statement back in the day….like in Season 12....
The We’re So Confused Award – This goes to the MacManiacs (MacLunatics). We still don't get it. Nothing that has happened this season has convinced us that all of the pro choices were the right ones. Tristan MacManus should have been - and deserved to be - dancing every week.
Guest Judge Award – None of them. Unless your name is Tristan MacManus, Anna Trebunskaya, Dmitry Chaplin, Chelsie Hightower, or Louis Van Amstel, we’re not interested. Julianne is great, but she’s not really knocking our socks off as a judge, and she is just too close to some of the pros (Derek and Mark, for instance). Robin Roberts was a sweetheart, but she's not a dancer with the right kind of expertise. Ricky Martin would be fun as a contestant, but he doesn’t need to be judging. Abby Lee Miller? We’re not even going there (even though she made some valid comments Week 8 of this season, like ‘em or not). Bring back much-loved pros, which would also mean their fans might consider watching again.
Oopsies, Did She Really Say That Award – Abby Lee Miller who unintentionally (or intentionally) mentioned that she saw dress rehearsal which makes us think the judges have watched dress rehearsals more than once which means somebody is telling a big fat fib and we don’t think it’s ALM.
The We Hate the Word Showmance Award – Gawd, these things make us want to leap tall bridges without a safety net. Peta and James? Maks and Meryl? We don’t care. We hate the word, we hate the idea, and we just want to see dancing without any speculation of the backstory. Therefore this award has multiple winners: Peta and whoever she happens to be dancing with, Val and whoever he happens to be dancing with, and Maks and most of his “whoever he happens to be dancing with.” Enough already.
The Most Overused Word Award – To all those people on social media who insist that we must love one, love them all because Tony, Maks, and Val have the Dance With Me connection and are therefore “family.” I can’t even call my own family my family anymore because the term has been so overused.
The No More Ringers For You, Please Award – Where shall we begin? Val. Val. Val.
The It’s Time For Her to Have Another Heartthrob Award – We want to see Cheryl Burke get another sexy Latin heartthrob as her partner. Might we suggest Nicholas Gonzalez?
The Whatever Happened to Dancing With your Shirt On Award – Tony Dovolani for doing the Chippendales thing almost every week – and we really don’t need to see it, but he’s not the only one. Sigh. Boys, put your shirts back on and keep the mystery alive. Any pro or troupe member who has bared the waxed chest this season gets the award. A supersized one.
The Please Put On Your Good Sport Face Instead Of Your Woe Is Me, We’re Gonna Be Eliminated In Week 8 Boo Hoo Face Award – To Peta. No explanation needed.
The Give the Pro An AARP Member Award – Val. Derek. Mark. Peta. Come on. They are pros and can deal with it. The casting is so predictable that we predicted it before the pairings were announced.
The How About You Mix It Up A Little Bit Award - To ABC. We love Macy's Stars of Dance, and we don't mind Derek choreographing for it occasionally but seriously? There are plenty of marvelous pros who can bring something new and exciting to the table. No way should one pro have creative control and choreograph for the entire season. Alternative titles for this award: Excessive Face Time Award, Let's Spread the Wealth Around Award, Give the Other Pros the Chance To Earn the Title of Emmy Winning Choreographer Award, Let Somebody Else Reap the Rewards Award, etc.
WTF Award – To ABC. It still makes no sense why Tristan isn’t dancing every week. Dumbest. Move. Ever.
Perseverance Award – To the MacManiacs and MacLunatics for not having a meltdown. Yet.