Bored? Tired of watching the same old videos? Can’t figure out how to pass the time until late February when the cast is announced for Season 18 of DWTS? We have some ideas. We’re sure -these will appeal to all ages, demographics, and time zones.
*As much as we hate to do it, we’re going to leave Tristan alone and let him have a vacation from the MacManiacs. He probably needs it, particularly after answering 8,475 questions for us without complaining, seeing his hair Tweet all by itself, and seeing an influx of MacManiacs tweeting, voting, talking, campaigning, and promoting. He could use a break. While he’s taking a break, we will just have to get creative and plan strategy without annoying the dickens out of him.
*Recruit new recruits. We’ll be taking advantage of our persuasive skills to add vast numbers of Tristan fans who might have somehow missed out on the whole Army of MacManiacs thing. It’s what we do best. Case in point? We’ve added a good 25 new people (or 25 million, we’re not giving specifics) to Twitter, and these are people who flat out refused to join before. We have mad persuasive skills. Just ask ‘em. Now if we can just keep from driving Tristan crazy and/or scaring him off with our over-zealous tendencies.
*Lose a collective 1000 pounds. Not per person, silly. In spite of all the cheesecake and junk food served in the dungeon, we’re not quite that hefty yet. If 100 of us each lose 10 pounds, that’s a half ton less dead weight in the dungeon. We can make room for the newbies that way.
*Redecorate the dungeon. For you new MacManiacs, the dungeon is the imaginary place where misbehaving MacManiacs are sent for random amounts of time. Some are permanent residents; some visit occasionally. The redecorating plans include the following: Bedhead wallpaper (and we mean wall to wall), a painting on the ceiling of Tristan and Witney from the Better Dig Two Contemporary from Season 16, a lava lamp in each corner and a disco ball suspended from whatever part of the ceiling isn’t covered with that Better Dig Two thing (yes, this is a classy place), an abundant supply of padded walls so that heads can bang against them when Season 18’s cast is announced, and protective covering for the tv so that when we hear idiotic judging comments during Season 18, the tv is protected from us throwing things at it.
*Take a Quantam Physics class so we can a build a time machine so we can go back in time and watch Season 13 from the ballroom. Season 12 too. Conversely, we could also use the time machine to go into the future to see who the Season 18 cast will be and manipulate the outcome in our favor.
*Go to DWTS Judging School so that we might show those three judges/boneheads (and assorted guest judges) how it’s done.
*Go to DWTS Casting School and cast Season 18 for TPTB because clearly their education was neglected, and that’s a shame. Everyone is entitled to a good education.
*Get decked out in our trashiest apparel – stuff like leopard print or zebra striped leggings with platform shoes and big eighties hair along with a trashy top to go with it – and have a MacManiac photo shoot. Just a thought.
*Offer to paint Tristan’s house. We’d probably be good at it. After all, Shakes painted her bathroom once with mixed results and SWAT managed to Sherwin-Williams a door.
*Have another MML light show with the hopes that this time SWAT can manage red and green for the holiday season instead of puse, puke green, and something that looked suspiciously like camouflage mixed with neon light infused bubble gum.
*Have a dungeon beauty pageant with a talent competition and everything. We’ll invite Tristan to be the judge. Instead of hair and makeup lessons, we’ll have Tristan teach us how to create the proper bedhead.
*Do some research into our family heritages and see how many of us have redneck roots. We can also see how many of us are related to each other, and probably more than you think. You think there’s a shortage of rednecks on this website? Snort. SWAT has been in North Carolina so long that moonshine runs through her veins, and Shakes grew up in Kentucky and still hasn’t learned how to wear shoes. If that isn’t enough, Mrs. ATA comes from Alabama and you thought the Hatfields and McCoys were bad? Just don’t let her near anybody or anything breakable when Alabama and Auburn are playing football. Jeff Foxworthy would have a field day. She’s in one of those “mixed marriages” – She’s an Alabama Fan, The DH (Designated Husband) loves the Auburn Tigers.
*Annoy everybody by taking a bunch of selfies and posting them any place we can think of. First, there’s nothing more annoying than the word “selfie” – other than a bunch of MacManiacs taking them and posting them everywhere. We could each have the sad pouting face that screams, “I miss the bedhead”.
*Prepare a MacManiac song and dance group number doing a mashup of “We Are Young” by Fun, “My Humps” by the Black Eyes Peas ,“Getting’ Jiggy Wit It” by Will Smith and “Build Me Up Buttercup.” (Alternate music choices in case of copyright issues – always a concern, you know: “Ice Ice Baby” and “Achy Breaky Heart”). Once Tristan sees it on You Tube, he’ll probably make sure ABC brings back Macy’s Stars of Dance and books us as the first of the stars.
*Go on a knitting binge and knit scores of beanies, mittens, and scarves for Tristan to wear when he gets a chance to visit Ireland again. It doesn’t matter that a good percentage of us don’t know how to knit. We’re sure he’ll forgive our dropped stitches and the like because we will be busy with completing the other items on this list.
*Stand on random street corners (now get your mind out of the gutter- we’re not on the street corners for THAT reason). Anyway, stand on random street corners dressed up as ballroom dancers holding up signs that say "Tristan for Season 18 - Tweet it to @DancingABC".”
“We were thinking about having a MacManiac car wash to raise funds for the new dungeon improvements mentioned above but it is winter, and we don’t think many people would want to see a bunch of middle-aged woman wrapped in their Gore Tex winter coats, sponging a T-bird. It just doesn’t have the right effect when you usually associate car washes with skinny blondes with big bazooms in Daisy Dukes and tube tops. We just might not have the same impact.
*Start the "MacManiac Save A Sheep Foundation" which places orphan sheep on a sheep farm where the MacManiacs make wool sweaters with Celtic patterns on them, cause you know, we’re a slightly strange and eccentric group and might find that whole thing interesting. Of course, there isn’t a single one among us who would have a clue how to go about this, but we’re a smart group. We’ll figure it out.
*Rehearse for the MacManiac musical "Ballrooms Ahoy" that will be sure to hit Broadway (or one of the questionable streets several blocks away) next spring. It’s a coming of middle age tale (alternate title: Hot Flash Be Gone for those of us a little past the coming of middle age status) where the MacManiacs do their best to sneak onto a DWTS cruise ship in order to see Tristan dance. Think of it as Sex in the City meets Entrapment meets Pirates of Penzance without the cool Sex in the City fashion or the Manolo Blahniks or the flexibility of Catherine Zeta-Jones or the awesome Linda Rondstat musical numbers. Trust us it's good. We are trying to get Tristan to make a cameo appearance but he's not taking our hints. It’s entirely possible that he may just be ignoring us. With our talent and progressive ideas, we’re not sure how that’s possible, but it is what it is.
*Bake cookies for the DWTS PTB at ABC and have them decorated in green icing with Tristan's name on them. We could even lace the cookies with Irish whiskey to make them (TPTB, not the cookies) extra happy and to remind them that everything Irish is better.
*Keep baking cookies to raise money in a bake sale for our dungeon improvements. SWAT will whip up some mean exotic pastries and Shakes will make her bourbon balls and switch it up to make them Jameson Balls - oh wait, that didn’t sound right - but you get the picture.
Rumor has it that Tristan was asked to give his response to this blog, and he said, “It does my nuts in, by the way.”