It’s that time of the season, and we are offering our opinions on all things Season 15 related – at least as we see them through Week 5. We usually preface these awards with some big bunch of nonsense, but not this time. The awards will speak for themselves. [Note: Hurricane Sandy messed us up – this post was supposed to be up before Monday’s Week 6 show, but alas, we couldn’t get it posted in time]
Worst Performance By A Group in Any Role – Team Gangnam Style. “Hot mess” was kind. Our response was, “Uhhhhh,” and “Put your clothes back on, Gilles.”
Most Likely to Get Pneumonia, Frostbite, or Some Other Illness Due To Excessive and Repeated Exposure – Peta. Put some clothes on occasionally and mix it up, Peta. It’ll be better for your health.
Most Overexposed Male Chests in the History of Dancing Dramatic Roles (or attempted dancing dramatic roles) – Maks fell out of contention this season. The award goes to Gilles Marini and Valentin Chmerkovskiy who win by showing the goods week after week to the extent that it no longer causes even the tiniest of hormonal surges.
The Been There Done That Award – Gilles and Valentin (we’re supposed to call him that now). See above. Those waxed, nekked chests have been seen so many times that we now adjourn to the kitchen for ice cream when they are on display. Boring.
Worst Use Of Fabric In the History Of Television – Multiple winners. Gilles and Peta’s shiny silver fringy icky Jive costumes, Kym’s Week 1 Cha Cha icky tassles, fringed, paper thin thingy that didn’t leave nearly enough to the imagination, Sabrina’s blue feathers/gold mini mini mini that was way too mini for even disco days, Karina’s hip hop leather underwear, fishnets, dominatrix boots and whatever else it was supposed to be mess, and Cheryl’s fringed explosion disaster from Week 5 which defies logic, description, and anything remotely resembling appealing. Oh, and Shawn’s bedsheet/tablecloth/toga or whatever it was. I could have used that on my kitchen windows when I was redecorating.
The Cheerleaders Are Supposed to Dress Alike Award – Ummm, Sabrina’s costume in “Call Me Maybe” was different than the rest. Did that make her the Head Cheerleader? Couldn’t they all have worn that style or perhaps some felt the need to show more skin than others? It just looked weird, but not as weird as Team Gangnam Style, so I guess we can cut ‘em some slack.
The Copycat Award – Kelly for the underwear/man’s shirt for the contemporary dance. Kym and Dmitry did it first, and you shouldn’t mess with perfection. Runner-up – Valentin for trying to copy his brother every week.
Worst Use of Diapers – Gilles Marini and Peta Murgatroyd – Oh wait. Those were towels? Never mind. They were still pointless and icky.
Best Use of Exposed Skin in A Drama – Tristan MacManus. Does this really need an explanation?
Best Pro Dance in the History of Pro Dances (or at least this season) – The Kym and Tristan performance to "This Is the Moment.” Forget the singing that night – it was all about the dancing.
Best Introduction to a Results show – Winner and Still Champions – Tristan and Kym – “I Want To Dance With Somebody”
Most Ridiculous Early Exit to an All-Star Season - Three Way tie: Drew Lachey and Anna Trebunskaya, Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson, Helio Castroneves and Chelsie Hightower. Our response to their eliminations? Give me a freaking break.
Mr. Debonair and “She Knows How to Dress Her Partner” Award – Helio Catroneves and Chelsie Hightower – Week after week she made him into the consummate leading man. Well done!
The You Gave It Your Best Shot But Nobody Rocks Suspenders Like MacManus Award - Apolo (Week 1), Derek (Week1, Week 3, Week 5), Gilles (Week 3, Week 5). They all tried, but…epic fail.
The Girls Are Gonna Escape Award – Kelly Monaco (Week 1), Sabrina (Week 1, Week 3, Week 4), Peta (every week), and Shawn Johnson (Week 3). There was repeated danger of some major wardrobe malfunctions.
The Everything Including the Girls Is Gonna Escape Award – Cheryl Burke Week 1 (Sheer fish net over a bikini – uh no), Kym Johnson Week 1 (fringe on top of, uh, fringe and nekked skin we think), Peta (every week)
The I love Yellow and Wanna Be Big Bird Award – Derek Hough because he put Shawn in yellow Week 1 and yellow rears its ugly canaried head every season. Derek is now an honorary Big Bird.
The I Don’t Know How to Put Color Into a Costume to Make it Purty Award – Tony Dovolani. Um, have you ever seen hot pink, red, passion purple, or even yellow? (okay maybe not yellow)
The This Ain’t the Olympics Award – Shawn and Derek. Enough of the gymnastics. Let’s focus on the dance now.
The Creepiest Costume Award - Gilles and Peta/ Jive. Gilles and Peta/Team Gangnam Style. Ewww to both.
The Big Bird Meets Cookie Monster on DWTS – Sabrina Week 4 in that hideous feathered blue coat that looked like nothing we ever saw in any disco, and we could do The Bump with the best of ‘em back in the day. (The Big Bird reference is, of course, to Derek’s incessant overuse of yellow feathers, fluff, sequins, and more feathers).
The I Can Look Really Trashy Award – Peta, Karina, Kelly, and Val. Oh and Gilles.
The I Try to Look Pained But Look Constipated Instead – Val (Week 4 contemporary dance)
The Maria Menounous Honorary Injury Award – Kelly and Gilles. We hear about every single twinge.
The Give It To Me Baby Award – Apolo ‘cause who else would choose that as his “guilty pleasure” song. He was awesome, and we don’t use that word lightly.
The We Love You But…Award - Let’s face it – Kirstie brings out the best in Maks, and she is good for comic relief but there is no way the magic from their previous season could ever be recaptured, and the novelty is gone. The dancing isn’t good, the costumes are just plain boring, and there is nothing there that keeps us from hitting the chips and salsa when they dance. Enough already.
The This Is An Outrage Award – Pamela and Tristan’s Week 1 elimination. Bah, humbug! That sucks. It ain’t right. Bleeeech.
The We Wuz Wrong Award – Bristol and Mark. We actually liked them this year, and we liked them better than a good 30% of the other couples. She has turned into a beautiful woman, and her relationship with Mark was a good one.
The Asthma Attack Award- Tristan and Pamela and Tristan and Kym for making us all forget how to breathe. All that sensuality and sexiness just kind of makes us go ‘thud.’
The Overly Perplexed/I Think I'm Gonna Do A Face Plant Award- Susan Boyle who looked like she was literally going to fall over during her This is the Moment duet with Donny Osmond. Good thing Donny was there to hold her hand through the entire performance before she fainted and did a face plant into the orchestra pit.
The OMG I Can't Think Real Thoughts Anymore Because I Have Hormonal Hurricanes Award - Carrie Anne...did you really have to fall out of your chair to express how much you just luuuuuved Gilles' dance(s) and how sexy he was? Um no...it just came across to us as ridiculous. Now if you had fallen out of your chair after watching Tristan and Pamela...we might have understood.
The I’ve Still Got It Award- Emmitt Smith for showing those little whippersnappers that you can dance with the best of them, and still have it. You also have the best charisma of all of the celebrities left so keep shakin' it. And man, oh man. Mr. Smith can shake it.
The You're Making My Corneas Bleed Award – This is for anyone that has made us roll our eyes so much that our eyes are bleeding- so this goes to Peta for forgetting her clothes, Gilles for forgetting his clothes, Val for forgetting his clothes, and Derek for remembering his clothes but forgetting to put part of a Quickstep into the Quickstep and for putting that pesky little lift into the Rooomba.
The Zip It....Zip It Good Award- Gilles just doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut this season. He has taken over Twitter with his over competitive trash talking, his arguing with the pros choreographing the team dances, his over explaining of why he chose each person for the team dances, and his insisting that his Rumba, Cha Cha, Foxtrot - whatever it is - is like nothing ever done before. Gilles, you are not the humble, sweet, sexy man that you used to be and everyone else just wants to dance so please....zip it. Zip it good.
The They Sucked The Fun Out Of DWTS Award - The Brain Surgeon PTB that decided to eliminate Pamela, Joey, Drew, and Helio before anyone else. I mean, did y'all really intend to turn off people to the show this season right away or were you just too busy playing pimping assorted other couples.
The They Never Had A Chance Award - We'll admit it, we actually liked Bristol and Mark a lot better this time around but let's face it, they never had a chance. We knew it, the network knew it, and sadly I think that Mark knew it too. Too bad Bristol couldn't be more daring and let Mark choreograph a killer dance so they could go out with a bang. Runner-up: Tristan and Pamela. They didn’t have a chance, and we know it. From limited rehearsal time to being the lowest ranking celebrity of the group to idiotic judging which pushed the limited of orneriness, we say, “Boo Hiss.”
So there you go. We will have plenty more to say in another month when this fiasco of a season is finally all fiasco-ed out. We’ve had more than enough.