What would Season 17 be without our always insightful and carefully-thought out (not to mention objective) predictions about the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? You never know what kind of bull we will start spouting, and this season is certainly no exception. First of all, when predicting any season, you have to understand that we will always, always predict that Tristan and his celebrity partner will win the whole shebang. Why in the blazes would we ever predict someone else to win? Sooner or later, the odds will be in our favor, and we will surprise the heck out of everybody and actually be right. We say that this season is as good as any to be right.
So here they are - ranked 12 to 1. Remember that we are never right about anything, so chances are that our #12 will end up #3 and #2 could be the first one out. That’s just how we roll. But just think about the following carefully: It COULD happen. It probably won’t, but we do have some pretty good reasons for our conclusions.
12. Whatshername and Bill Nye – Okay, that was mean. Her name is Tyne, but honestly, it might be because Shakes is old and starting to forget stuff or because SWAT was practicing her Tango with her broom instead of paying attention, but neither of us remembered her name right way. That isn’t good, but in all fairness Tyne is an incredible dancer with tons of skills that we really want to see. Now we all know Bill Nye, The Science Guy, and we were worried that Mr. Nye went “Weird Science” on us and created his partner in a lab, mainly because we don’t really know Tyne, and we don’t know much about her because we didn't get to know her through the Troupe. That is problematic because a lot of people care more about the pros than the celebrities, and if your pro is a relative unknown to the voters, that could get ugly. Sure, a lot of fans of the Science Guy will watch and vote, but we doubt if they are of the hard core voting variety. Unless Bill is able to apply the regeneration of earthworms to the voting process, we think they might be out first. We hope we're wrong though because they could be lots of fun to watch.
11. Tony and Leah Remini – All we have heard is about the Scientology thing, and we really don’t need to hear it again. There hasn’t been much buzz about them – other than it was breaking news that she wore pink one day to rehearsal and that J-Lo will be in the audience Week 1 supporting her friend Wow. Is that it? We really aren’t sure about them, and Tony isn’t known for creating powerful chemistry with his partner, and they have given us nothing to work with. So unless they give us something to work with within the first week, they might be going bye bye Week 2.
10. Cheryl and Jack Osbourne – This doesn’t strike us as a particularly dynamic pairing, and Cheryl is known for turning up the sexy. That’s not going to happen this season just like it didn’t happen with D. L. Jack’s medical issues and the fact that he is even doing the show make us respect him even more. Unfortunately, when Kelly was on, it was several years ago and the Osbourne’s reality show was still in our minds. Not so much anymore. They had better hope for some Latin dances in the first couple of weeks because we can’t really see them dancing in hold. The Osbourne and Cheryl fan vote should keep them in it for a few weeks – unless they suck, which they might.
9. Emma and Bill Engvall – Realistically,we think they probably will be gone earlier than this because we’re not sure his fans are into the Rumba and Waltz, and those who are will likely not vote in mega-numbers. Emma has fans, but she doesn’t have millions of fans, and people still say, “Emma, who?” Unfortunately we think the curse of the new pro and a less than household name celebrity will likely do them in early. The other problem? From the rehearsal photos, we think Emma might have fallen into the Peta trap and their Foxtrot could very well be more about drawing the attention off of the celebrity instead of showcasing the celebrity. Hopefully, that’s not the case, because we would love to see them stick around. We don’t think that is going to happen though.
8. Peta and BrantWhothehellisthisguyagain – Here is the thing with these two. We KNOW Peta will need one of those sweatshirts Out Of Tea sent her last season, and we KNOW Peta is going to once again play the “I’m almost nekked every week and you’re supposed to love it” card, but unless Brant can give us the soap opera smolder with the intensity of a thousand suns, we’ll just have a predictable couple of weeks of shirtless or open shirt Brant and Peta without almost everything, and therefore, the “ick factor” will go way too high and force us to type love letters to Justin Bieber during their performances. We are predicting a 4 or 5 exit but we wouldn’t be surprised if they go home first.
7. Sasha and Snooki – The only thing that comes to mind with these two is energy, and we wouldn’t be surprised to see them bust out of the gate with a “Hey Mickey” cheerleader themed Cha Cha, but if they pull out tricks, gimmicks, and a bunch of illegal lifts, it won’t end well. We also don’t know if Snooki still has the fans from the days of the wonderful show, Jersey Shore, and no, we never watched an episode because nobody in Jersey or North Carolina watched that mess. Remember The Situation? He couldn’t dance but there have been plenty of people who can’t dance who do really well on DWTS. The Situation was out early and he was very popular with whoever it is that watched Jersey Shore. Holy crap. My daughter just confessed that she watched it. And for that I paid her college tuition? Damn. Anyway, Sasha and Snooki might be okay for a few weeks, but he doesn’t have tons of fans because he isn’t an experienced pro on DWTS and Snooki is - well - still Snooki and not exactly what we would call a star. We still want to see their Jive because that could be epic, assuming Snooki can move her feet, but a few weeks at best for these two. The might even be one of the first 3 out. We do think, however, that they are going to loads of fun and laughs, and we can't wait.
6. Val and Elizabeth – If we were being completely honest, which we are not, we would have them out in the first four, but that seems harsh for a ringer that is as big of a ringer as Elizabeth is. There is something not appealing about this combination so far. On the other hand, they might do just fine, but Val will not have the benefit this season of a celebrity who lives on social media and has 85 million (or 6) twitter followers. This is a different ballgame. Some people have these two pegged as making it to the final, but we just don’t see it. Val is going to bet the farm on making every dance spicy hot but missing some key content and then we will be forced to watch Elizabeth play her Showgirls character again. We already groan when we see reruns of this movie so why would we want to see the sequel in Season 17? They will be gone by mid-season. Mark it down.
5. Derek and Amber – Here is another one we aren’t sure about. People automatically assume a top five finish just because Derek is the one in charge, and make no mistake about it, Amber is a top notch entertainer, and she has done her share of moving and shaking on Glee. She might not be the ringer that Elizabeth is or that Corbin is, but she has plenty of practice learning choreography so she is still ringer material. She is also already hugely popular and she is very active on social media. We like her a lot, but we don’t think this will be an easy road because she isn’t, shall we say, the ringerist of ringers. She’s just maybe a 60% ringer. We are tuning in just to see Derek have to sweat it out during elimination weeks because most of the time, Derek and his partner tend to be called safe first (or very, very early) every week in every season. We want to see the uncertainty that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t safe, and we believe this is going to be the season. They will be around a while, but will they make it to the final 3? We vote no. Like we said, we like her and we like this pairing just fine. We just like the others more and while Amber is a top-notch actress and a fun lady who can most likely sell a wicked Cha Cha, we don’t think she can sell us a wicked Rumba or a wildly over the top contemporary. She will be able to sell the fun, but we just don't think she and Derek can sell the sexy.
4. Mark and Christina – Dang it. We’re not sure about this one either. Could be a finalist, but we think it’s unlikely. Christina has dance experience, she has entertainment experience, but she was annoying as all get out on The Voice as an entertainment correspondent. In fact, she reminded us of Brooke - the awkward questions lady. Remember her? We just hope that Mark doesn't add Twerking to his Salsa or Samba but we are afraid it's going to happen, and that would just be wrong. Sadly, we don't want to see it, but we won't be able to turn away because we will be astounded that somebody actually had the nerve to give it a go. Now if Valerie and Tristan tried it, we would be entertained at the audacity of it all. With anyone else? Not so much. Next problem - Christina is a huge ringer, and in the season of ringers, that's not bad, but she's not nearly as likable as Ringer Corbin and Pro Mark isn't as lovable as Pro Karina, so those two strikes could mean surprisingly early exit - regardless of talent. Remember Sabrina? (The original and the sequel). Remember Kristin Cavallari.
3. Sharna and Keyshawn – We love Keyshawn, and we are so tired of a football player being front and center every season, but he is a fun guy with a great attitude, and he and Sharna seem to be having a great time. The problem is that this season there is a cast full of ringers, great personal triumphs, and very popular quirky characters. Keyshawn might have the fate of another football great, Kurt Warner, who exited before the finals, but we think that he will leapfrog over some of those ringers and get to the final three because of his fan base and also because Sharna will make him one of the most interesting characters this season. She has a full bag of tricks, and we can’t wait to see what they are.
2. Karina and Corbin – This is a big whopper of a case of ringeritis, and the Disney connection is evident. We should be annoyed by having a dancer who is not only a dancer but a featured dancer on Macy’s Stars of Dance right on Dancing With the Stars. Was that too many “dance” words? That’s because the dude is a trained dancer/dancer/dancer and has been dancing since he could, well, crawl probably. The thing is, however, we love him, and we love that Karina never complains. She accepts the judges’ comments without the pouty whiny face and she doesn’t do trampoline jumps up and down when called safe. If we have to have a ringer who could easily win, we like this one and we like that he is with Karina. The only problem is this….how could they possibly win when up against a legend who happens to be dancing with the Hunka Burnin’ Irish Love? That’s a tough break, Karina and Corbin.
1. Valerie and Tristan will win of course because what kind of fan site would we be if we didn't pick them to be hoisting the tacky glittery mirrorball over their heads on November 26, 2013?