Tristan MacManus is dangerous. His dances are dangerous. This is precisely why we are writing this cleverly titled piece - “The Dangerous Dances of Tristan MacManus.” When we refer to the dangers of a dance, we’re not necessarily talking about falling and breaking an ankle, although such an occurrence is a distinct possibility for either of us when attempting dance in any form. We thought long and hard about this topic (at least 20 minutes), and we then picked Tristan’s 12 most dangerous dances on DWTS. Some will shock you, some will merely surprise you, and some will make you question our sanity. That’s okay; we do that every day so we won’t take it personally. So fasten your seat belts, enjoy the ride, and we hope you get at least a few laughs as you try to understand how our minds work. Good luck with that.
(By the way, once again, Azline Dancer has done research for us on one particular dance, although we totally confused her when dishing out our little teasers). In addition, these are in no particular order; Dance # 1 is as deadly as Dance # 12 in our humble opinions.
1. The Run Away and Leave Your Husband 80s Rumba
This one was obvious to us because danger permeates the entire dance from start to finish. The most subtle elements of danger tend to be the most lethal. Forget the bad boy (well, maybe not). Forget the hips (or not). The bottom line is that this particular dance has a very dangerous effect on women. How, you ask? Well, frankly it makes a woman want to don her leather pants and jacket (or go out and max out the credit card to buy these very flattering garments), get a few tattoos on assorted body parts, curl and hairspray the bangs until they are 6 inches off of the forehead, pull on the dusty black boots (again, credit card followed by rolling them in the dirt will do), get a watch with a really wide black leather wristband adorned with spikes, go buy a Harley with flames going up the side (or borrow it from Bubba who hangs out at the biker bar in the seedy part of town), and hop on the back with your Irish James Dean look-a-like at the helm. Oh yeah, and don't forget to let out a girly shriek as he revs up the ol' hog and speeds off with you clinging to him in reckless abandon. In essence, the good girl has gone rebel to keep up with her bad boy rebel. All that danger is sexy. Thus, it is also trouble.
Clearly, we haven't thought nearly enough about this scenario. Nope...not at all.
2. The Waltz With Peta or I Want to be Her
This dance was figuratively loaded with dynamite, and there is no possible way that you can say that any form of dynamite isn’t dangerous. Yes, this slow, gentle waltz to Puccini’s O mio babbino caro had enough explosive power to blow the roof right off the ballroom. It was also cleverly camouflaged by having a beautiful and talented opera singer providing the lovely music while Tristan and Peta worked their magic and cast their spell over all of us. How, oh how, could this exquisite waltz accented by two tons of whimsical, fake smoke be dangerous? First of all, the fake smoke concerns us just a little. You could seriously get all caught up in the dance and then ram your shin right into one of the floor stage lights. But as we have stated, we’re not going to be literal. Instead, we are trying to be literary and not think about the expletives we would screech out (very loudly and live on national television) upon contact with the stage lights, or the fact that all that dry ice stuff could probably burn the eyes, make us cry like babies, force us to make a wrong turn, and then ultimately end up dancing with Katherine Jenkins instead of Tristan. Worse, we could trip on those steps that lead to the judges’ table and land sprawled out in front of the entire world instead of dancing cheek to cheek with Tristan. But we’re not going to talk about that. We did, however, literally start having heart palpitations as we witnessed Tristan show us the slightly wrinkled temple which screams “dead sexy” in the worst (or best) way while he gently eases Peta across the floor as if she weighs no more than a tiny, delicate flower.
This waltz seriously made us take a hard look at ourselves and in return, we decided that we to had to be Peta, and that’s no easy feat. To make things easier, we're out buying our frosted hair bleach, and Suzanne Somers Thighmaster Gold right now.
Just for the record, that whole Thighmaster thing is innately dangerous; it requires that you squeeze your thighs together so hard you could potentially lose control and propel the device across the room where it would smash your tv and/or computer screen and keep you from watching DWTS on Monday and Tuesday nights or even worse, it could fly straight up and smack you right in the nose (true story on this). In addition, the transformation of Shakes from brunette to blonde would probably result in her hair turning to straw instead of a soft, lustrous blonde, and SWAT’s change from whatever-color-it-is-this-week would make her unrecognizable to her husband and kids. So yeah, the waltz is dangerous on so many levels. This many challenges are unhealthy.
3. The Flash Gordon “Made me glue fake hair to my husband's chest” Paso Doble
First of all, who really cares about Flash Gordon? Apparently we should because in spite of Flash having some issues (basically nobody really knows much about him in the first place), it apparently never occurred to any of us that a graceful ballroom and Latin dancer could suddenly become both a superhero and a very dangerous King of the Universe until Tristan sauntered down those stairs as the infamous Flash himself. It was probably because of the danger inherent in that red satin jacket that made us stand up and take notice. How could it be dangerous? Well, Superman had a cape with a big S on it, and he was dangerous. Tristan, I mean, Flash, had a red jacket with Flash or a lightning bolt or something on it. We’ve decided that this Flash is a distant relative of Superman because they both can do it all. I’m fairly sure Superman even shared his special secrets with Mr. Dancing Flash himself. Superman changed from his nerd suit in the phone booth; the King of the Universe was comfortable enough in his masculinity to wear red satin without a shirt and still look like he owned the world. He didn’t need a bulletproof vest or other such nonsense which also concerns us. What if the bullet (or perhaps the bull himself) bounced off his chest, ricocheted off, and hit an innocent bystander (like one of us). Fortunately, it didn’t happen. Back to the chest and how that helped to captivate millions. In fact, Flash owned us to the extent that it made every one of us want to glue fake fuzz onto our husband’s chests as they lay snoring away. Scary and dangerous.
We all know women have the brains and should rule the world, but in this case, we are going to make an exception and allow this King of the Universe, dangerous though he is, to take over.
4. Watch Me ‘Walk This Way’ Dance or Who Do I Watch – Tristan or David Garrett?
This dance might as well have dangerous in the title because there are so many elements of danger that snuck in that it might as well be called “How to properly do danger on the dance floor.” First of all, the male pro costumes are enough to give the average woman a stroke. Black pants, black vest, no shirt, etc. etc. Stroke. Or at the very least, a heart episode. Thanks to the genius of Mr. Garrett, the music was so fast and frenetic that we weren’t sure where to look first. Or second. Or third. It looked like some Paso, some Rumba, some who-knows-what-else because the brain got muddled and fried and required substantial therapy just to kind of get back to normal. The feet were flying, the arms were a blur, the hips were rotating with razor sharp precision, and it was impossible to properly comprehend what was happening at any given moment. But it was the rapid-fire drop to the ground by Tristan (we mean, by Tristan, Kiki, and Teddy) that made the size of the pupils enlarge so much that an emergency visit to the ophthalmologist was necessary. Dangerous? Oh yeah.
Just to be clear, I couldn’t walk that way if I rehearsed 12 hours a day, 9 days a week. All I would get would be leg cramps, tired feet, and a potential candidacy for hip replacement.
You probably think that this one is a joke and that we only included it to see if you were paying attention so that you could pass the pop quiz we’re giving at the end of this blog. (Okay, so there’s really no pop quiz. Don’t be too disappointed). Then after you realized we really are serious, you probably immediately wanted to ask the following: How could a dance to anything by Hanson possibly be dangerous? Ridiculous, you say. Impossible, you add. There is no way, you insist.
Au contraire, my lovelies. There was nothing teeny-bopperish at all about this little number, and your life was in peril whether you want to admit it or not. This was so full of sexy, delicious hip action that I’m surprised my eyeballs are still attached within their dainty little sockets. Mr. MacManus showed a surprising side of himself – the arrogant, cocky leader who took over the dance without being a showoff. How high did your blood pressure go during that dance? It’s a good thing I have my own blood pressure monitoring system so that I could keep a close eye on things and know exactly when to take deep, calming breaths.
Then there was that other little issue. How odd that Taylor Hanson tried to pull off the boyfriend suspenders pre-Tristan? Cute, but not cute enough.
But the unexpected danger lies in the burning question that results from watching this dance. What if all those Hanson fans from the early days decided to become Tristan fans and started to stampede the stage.? Or what if they began to scream like teenyboppers chasing after Justin Bieber and knocked over Tristan’s tour bus in their frenzy. (Not that Tristan has a tour bus, but I say it’s always a possibility one needs to consider so we need to be prepared).
You see, the greatest danger is unexpected danger. This one had lots of that. You have to be prepared for the danger.
6. Dance to the Music and hopefully live to tell about it
This song was a relic from the 70s, but Tristan somehow managed to prove that disco isn’t dead after all. Well, disco is dead, but this whole delicious concoction of fast-paced, jaw-dropping athleticism and finesse made us think of lots more dancing, and for all we care, it could be disco style with platform shoes, bell-bottom polyester pants, and Tristan with a mullet. (Okay, that’s going too far, we agree. It’s dangerous just thinking about it). Remember that little segment where Tristan was surrounded by the troupe, and there was all that fist pumping, power brandishing, and hip thrusting stuff going on? It has already led to dangerous consequences. In fact, I already ordered a stripper pole for my living room as a direct result of that dance. Now besides the whole health risk just from watching the dance (it affects the cardiac and respiratory systems substantially), it gives a woman all kinds of naughty thoughts. Then there’s the use of the stripper pole. How could twirling around the pole and hanging upside down not be dangerous? To say it is tricky is a gross understatement.
This dance is just an accident waiting to happen.
7. The Charm-Chocked Cha-Cha aka The Coma Commodore
Deception is always dangerous, and all that charm, charisma, and deceptive innocence are not only unsettling but also put each of us in peril. Nothing is as simple as an innocuous little Cha-Cha. Not in the case of this Cha-Cha anyway. The suspenders have hypnotic powers, the hip action lulls you into a false sense of security, and it all goes downhill from there. When one’s eyes become permanently glued to the young man, unable to be averted, this obviously means that a coma is imminent. Comas are dangerous, and medical research has proven that the most dangerous of all comas are those caused by sexy, seemingly innocent dudes in suspenders who have perfect camera angles on their side. Ask any doctor and they'll tell you - these types of comas are the worst. We really wouldn't just make this stuff up...much. The thing that really sealed the deal was newbie pro Tristan getting away with a little butt swat to Ms. Grace. How Nancy didn't have coma trouble like we did is a mystery, but then again, she claims to have been unaware of said little swat on the backside. But we saw it immediately, and we also were well aware of the sexy tie loosening gesture, and dance ending moment when he nimbly slid down onto his knees and landed at her feet. Nurse! I think we just flat-lined!
I also blew out a kneecap when trying to imitate that move. Danger, danger, danger.
8. All the Right Moves- The understatement of the year
Formidable, menacing, dangerous. This was one of the most under-estimated dances that featured Tristan in any capacity. Don't let the pretty costumes fool you. This dance looks like it should be a no-brainier - just a simple troupe dance to put in some filler while One Republic belts out one of their greatest songs to date. Right? WRONG.....cue annoying game show buzzer please. This dance, although seemingly a troupe dance, was once again a Tristan and Peta camera close-up love fest. The moves were tricky, difficult, and precise, and I really, really wanted to try what I call the ‘leap of faith’ move where Tristan is alone on the dance floor and Peta somehow leaped into his one-armed embrace and without hesitating, he managed to spin with her in that same one-armed embrace. Whatever it was, it was scary hot, and I know I’d be terrified to try it. But because it was also very hot, this means you probably wanted to get a closer look so you press your face up against your tv which meant you might have received excessive doses of some kind of radiation or something which means that you will then probably start to glow in the dark (at least that’s what my mother used to tell me). At the very least, you might have been exposed to an excessive amount electric energy generated by those two hot pros when they dance. Risky risky risky.
9. Should Have Been A Cowboy
Cowboys are dangerous. Haven’t you ever read a romance novel? These good ole boys are capable of anything. They are strong, virile, and heartbreakers. That alone is dangerous. But you throw in a bit of the Irish in said cowboy, and you’ve got more than trouble. You have disaster.
It’s simple because first of all your brain is having trouble processing the concept of Tristan taking on the cowboy persona – the whole denim, denim, denim and boots concept, but guess what? It works. The dude not only captures the essence of western dancing (thanks Azline Dancer for your expertise) but he also manages to go for the unexpected – he takes on the cowboy persona and had he been speaking to us, I would have expected nothing less than for him to be talking like Nancy (or us – since we’re both Southern belles – Shakes by birth, SWAT by geography). And therein lies the danger! Tristan speaking in a soft southern drawl with a hint of the brogue would do us in (so would a brogue with a hint of a soft southern drawl). But forget the cowboy-speak and think of the danger within the dance. His kicks were higher than the rest (what if his boot flew off and smacked Tom in the noggin?). His feet were faster. (What if his partner couldn’t keep up and she inadvertently tripped?) His hips were fluid. (Lethal weapons right there). There you have it. This is one dangerous dilemma and one dangerous dance.
Imagine the hearts broken by this rugged cowboy and the required therapy that would inevitably follow. Imagine all the women who would have to settle for second-best when they realize they couldn’t have this cowboy. The possibilities are endless and frightening.
10. Mr. Know It All – is a sexy beast
Mr. Know it all, well ya-think you know it all, dont ya? Um, we’re pretty sure Tristan does know it all in this little scenario. In addition, sexy beasts tend to know it all too, and that is why they are so dangerous - they don’t know the power of their own raw sensuality. Is there any question that he has it in surplus in this dance? This dance was particularly perilous because it was a building storm – starting with a gentle breeze, escalating slowly through thunderclouds and powerful gusts to end up a gosh darn tsunami that takes out everything in its path. First off as we've said numerous times, we’re really not talking literally about physically dangerous activities for the most part, but when you are Kym Johnson and the fringe on your dress is roughly the length of rock climbing rope, we fear for what could possibly happen. Especially if a tsunami does occur. Neither here nor there however, the real danger going on in this sultry gasp-worthy nuzzle party that Tristan and Kym did a little too easily is the fact that oxygen refused to travel to my brain for a total of three minutes straight. Yes, Miss Clarkson's voice is sultry enough to make me hold my breath for a mere few seconds, but that raspy soulful melody, coupled with various rumba moves, and Tristan's inability to be ever be anything other than red-hot just makes our brain cells evaporate ever so quickly. Especially when ABC is so hell bent on putting the idea in our heads that Tristan and Kelly Clarkson could possibly one day be dancing the same way during a future season of DWTS. Where's the oxygen tank? I seemed to have forgotten how to breath. Between the metaphorical tsunami and the holding the breath thing, there are all kinds of troubles brewing in the danger zone.
11. You Make Me Feel . . .Like Swinging from the Ceiling...and Re-arranging My Dining Room Chairs
Now this one is tricky. It is dangerous because of the huge element of surprise. The sharp contrast between the smooth-talking, seductive, ladykiller from Mr. Know It All takes the element of danger to a whole new level. All of a sudden we have another bad boy who was involved in a dance tug-of-war with his lady. That is always dangerous. This is a virtual tornado of emotion and power, turbulence and desire. All of that mixed up stuff is never good. It causes accelerated heart rates and other medical issues to occur, but more than that, it makes grown women want to dress up in costumes and shoes similar to those worn by Kym and Sharna and swing from the ceiling on a rope to land on the dance floor whereupon we would then push Kym aside and proceed to dance with Tristan. The problem is that the shoes alone would cause a broken ankle, the dress would probably result in being arrested for something being exposed that shouldn’t be exposed, and the swinging from the ceiling could never, ever end well.
My dining room chairs are also a problem. Yes, I said it, my dining room chairs. They are currently placed in the middle of my bedroom, and they are there to land upon once I swing from the ceiling and let go. It’s practice. If you're still confused as to why I have my chairs in the middle of my bedroom then watch the beginning of the dance. What is Tristan sitting upon while Kym runs her fingers through his lustrous bedhead before he leaps up and takes charge of her? ....Um yeah....a chair. All of this is just because of a dance. Dangerous, I say. What if you practice swinging from the ceiling and miss? What if you run into the chairs in the middle of the night? Think broken legs, smashed chairs, etc. Then you’d have to get rid of the broken chairs. Does your garbage guy pick up furniture? Mine doesn’t. Another problem. You’d leave the chairs at the curb and some poor doggy out for his morning stroll might get hurt climbing on them. Or they would contaminate the environment. This could never end well. All because of a dance.
12. Paso With Nicole and Sympathy for the Devil
Any dance that begins with a standoff and a stare down has metaphorical hot potato written all over it. This is kind of like the Gunfight at the OK Corral without the weapons and the corral. We have to admit that we weren’t thinking much about a bullfight and the whole killing the bull and/or cape but instead we were watching all that building passion and intensity and wondering when in the heck something was going to give. All that action/reaction that was going on had to come to a big novelesque climax (don’t you love how we just make up words?) Anyway, we were right. “El matador” took down everything and everybody – the bull, the cape, and anything in his path. Frankly, we were surprised that the running of the bulls at Pamplona wasn’t part of it. That would have been a fitting ending wouldn’t it? Heck, we don’t think that this matador would even bother to get out of the way of all of that bull – the critters would probably be afraid of him because the fact is that this macho dude is just flat out scary. Wouldn’t you think him to be a little bit dangerous if you ended up dead in the floor? Hellllooooo.
Personally, we don't think Nicole ever had a fighting chance in her little run-in with His Matadoriness. Straight out of the gate, our matador of matadorial splendor....matadored his way rather forcefully into alpha male status here, and wowed the pants off of us mere, swooning peasants. And what is more dangerous than losing your pants in public? ‘Nuff said.