Every good show needs awards, and SWAT and Shakes have decided to present the First Annual DWTS ‘We Are Always Right, People' Awards. These are based (mostly) on the Season 14 cast and the results were carefully tabulated by the accounting firm of SWAT, Shakes, and Nonsense. At first we thought that the “We Are Always Right, People” Awards or the WAARPs" were going to be quite the grand affair – a true Hollywood extravaganza with paparazzi, Brad and Anglelina, the cast of Jersey Shore, and an emerald green carpet to replace the red one which is soooo last year. We had Billy Crystal lined up to host the first annual WAARPs, and Shakes was going to be writing the opening monologue with just the right amount of sarcasm and hilarity. SWAT planned to sing in all the musical numbers while wearing her tutu. Azline was hired to be the official coach to the large group of MacManiac back-up line dancers who were going to tear up the dance floor and bust a move (or hip) during the musical numbers. We had a green carpet segment planned with Phantom getting the "scoop" on the pros and their celebrity partners (our version of Nancy O’Dell and/or Ryan Seacrest), and with Ripley & CP serving respectively as Producer and Director of the whole shebang . We were really upping the glitz, the glamour, and the prestige! Then we realized how much it was all going to cost us, and so we figured we might as well just donate the money spent on the big awards to DublinDown330 instead, because that's really more important. So here we are, a more low key and intimate awards ceremony...which we prefer anyway, because SWAT swears tv cameras add 10 pounds to her weight, and Shakes thinks any photo makes her butt look big.
In some cases, the voting was so close that we have to call a tie. So here are your Season 14 DWTS WAARP Award Winners:
The Overkill Award (formerly called The Overuse of a Good Thing Award) - 3-way tie
*Mark Ballas and his spats
*Kym Johnson and her fringe
*Val‘s aversion to wearing a shirt
Most Likely to Make the Partner Cry (not to be confused with the Tearjerker Award)
Winner by a landslide:
*Sherri Shepherd – She will reduce Val to tears at least once
Most Likely To Have the First Breakdown In Rehearsals
*Val or Sherri – It’s a toss-up as to which one cracks first and stomps out of rehearsal
The Tearjerker Award- This award is given to the individual who will have the saddest story during "Personal Stories" week this season.
*The MacManiaLand MacManiacs: Their heartfelt story of perseverance and a lot of imaginary hurling (as they waited the night before the cast announcement while speculating who Tristan's celeb partner would be, only to find that Tristan was definitely returning for Season 14 and that he had bagged himself the best celeb that we could have imagined – Ms. Gladys Knight) has moved the academy to tears.
The Most Likely to Kill Each Other in Rehearsal Honorary Scholarship Donated to Future DWTS Celebrities
*Melissa Gilbert. She will take down Maks several times, he will stomp his foot at least twice, and a bloodbath may very well happen early on. Count on it.
Most Likely To Have the First Tantrum
*Maks and Melissa – It won’t be pretty when the yelling starts, but we’re pulling for Melissa to come out the victor. It will make sexy Maks even sexier when we see his human side.
Most Likely to Cause Spontaneous Combustion
*William and Cheryl. This is a no-brainer. All that hot Latin blood and those hopefully sexy and frequently-rotating Latin hips will shake up the sexy Samba until the whole ballroom is burning up. Either that, or they will bomb completely. There’s no middle ground here.
Most Likely to Have a Wardrobe Malfunction – Tie
*Karina – Check out the promo picture.
*Anna - Check out the promo picture.
The Sean Connery Award- To the man that you know is going to be a stud no matter how old he is
The Fred and Ginger Award- To the two pros you'd most like to see dance together again, or the pro couple that you think will look the best dancing together
*Tristan and Anna
*Tristan and Peta
The Oops award- To the couple that you know is going to either fall down, forget their choreography, throw their backs out, or have a malfunction of some sort. 3-way tie
*Derek and Maria- She slipped on stage right after being announced as part of the cast. He will have his seasonal pulled back muscle, dislocated shoulder, or sprained ankle. If she forgets the choreography, you know we can count on Derek to dance around her. No problem.
*Jaleel and Kym- He could inhale a lung full of deadly fringe and go down for the count
*Gavin and Karina – His hat falls over his eyes, he trips over Karina, and they go splat.
The Whoop Whoop (or Fist Pump) Award- To the couple that throws down, raises the roof and gets the audience on their feet, and waving their hands in the air....like they just don't care.
*Tristan and Gladys (Duh-cause they are gonna rock)
The Carson Kressley “Moves Like Jagger” Award for Pure Entertainment – 3 way tie
*Gladys and Tristan - Because they are going to bring the house down.
*Roshon and Chelsie - Because they will be fun.
*Jaleel and Kym - Because they will bring out Steve Urkel for the jive, and why not?
The Uber Fanbase Award- To the celeb whose fan base alone may get them to the finals - tie
*Donald and Peta- Gotta love those Cheese Heads
*Tristan and Gladys- Gotta love those MacManiacs
Most Likely To Get Carrie Ann Hot and Bothered – tie
*William Levy – This is a no-brainer. As Cheryl said, and I paraphrase, "He is the sexiest piece of you know what the show has seen” and Carrie Ann is always completely flustered by a pretty, uh, face.
*Donald Driver- How many times has Carrie Ann stood up in front of dapper male athlete season after season and shouted, "That dance wuz on Fiiiiii-Ahhhh!"
Most Likely To Get Bruno Hot and Bothered - tie
*William Levy – Bruno lacks self-control when the pretty ones appear. And I don’t mean Maria Menoulos.
*Gladys Knight - Remember how flustered Bruno got when Nancy had her boy toy during the Rumba. Imagine that, only ten times worse.
Most Likely To Get Len Hot and Bothered- tie
*Jack Wagner - Because we can already tell from the rehearsal photos that Jack has great posture, Anna will choreograph a traditional waltz along the way, and Frisco Jones will rock.
*Katherine Jenkins - Because let's face it, she's just as classically beautiful as she is classically gifted.
Most Likely To Get SWAT and Shakes Hot and Bothered
*Duh. Who else?
The Shakes and SWAT Brat Award- Goes to the celeb or pro who we know is most likely to throw a tantrum – 3-way tie
*Mark: Remember, he's King of the Pouty Face
*Maks: Season 13 anyone?
*Roshon: Just because youngsters tend to have their moments.
Most Likely To Annoy the Dickens Out of SWAT and Shakes - tie
*Sherri- Again, she seems like a pushy sort of girl, and we frankly just want to watch Val teach you how to dance sans the drama.
*Mark- Because he always does that crazy lurchy spat spin at the end of every dance and wears excessive amounts of guy liner.
The Superior Pecs Award: Given to the male pro or celeb most likely to have the most superior pec-age.- not really a tie, but we’ll humor the viewing audience
*Val: Seen it...it's pretty good
*Mals: Can't complain
*Derek: He likes to show them a lot now doesn't he?
*William Levy: What’s not to like?
*Tristan: Obviously the only true winner of this category, we just put the others on the list so it seemed fair.
Performer Most Likely To Rip His Shirt Off and Bare the Pectorals
*Val – He does it all the time
*Maks – He does it all the time
*Derek – He does it all the time
*William – We hope he does it all the time
*Tristan – Sorry, Ladies. This one ain’t happening
The Skimpiest Clothing Award
*Tristan (okay, so that was wishful thinking)
Most Likely To Try To Pull Off the Suspenders Look and Fail
*Jaleel White – He may try to bring back Steve Urkel but now that we’ve seen how suspenders are supposed to be worn, nothing else will come close.
Most Likely To Break Into Song In the Middle of the Cha Cha
*Tristan MacManus – When he and Gladys are Cha Cha-ing to “I Heard It Through the Grapevine “, Tristan is bound to forget that he’s only supposed to sing during rehearsal and challenge Gladys to a singing duel on the dance floor.
Most Likely To Cause A Nuclear Meltdown On the Dance Floor If She Dances With Tristan
Most Likely Candidate To Win DWTS While Juggling 8 Grammy Awards In the Freestyle
*Who else has 8 Grammy awards?
Forget the Toxic Duel – Most likely to belt out Nella Fantasia while doing a waltz while the partner rips his shirt off and plays the guitar?
*Katherine and Mark
Worst Use of Home Furnishings in DWTS History
*Val and the bed in Season 13.
*Maks and the couch/futon/whatever in Season 10
The Couple Most Likely To Shock the Pants Off Of Everybody With Their Dancing
*Tony and Martina
The Most Shocking Transformation In Cast Photos
*Martina – hot (yes, she looks amazing, and we are both jealous)
The Couple Most Likely To Annoy Len By Breaking the Rules Because The Pro Is “just not feeling the music”
*Derek and Maria (remember the Nicole/Derek Quickstep? See below)
The Couple Most Likely To Do A Non-Quickstep Quickstep and Still Get A Couple of 10s
*Derek and Maria
Most Likely To Get The “tsk tsk” From Carrie Ann
*Derek because he will throw a lift into the dance and then Carrie Ann will say, “Well, it’s a lift but I’m going to overlook it because I want to. But tsk tsk..”
Most Likely To Get The “tsk tsk” From Bruno
*Maks and Melisa - Bruno is going to tilt his head a little to the side and kind of smirk and then say, “You naughty boy, you know you broke hold in that quickstep…”
Most Likely To Get The “tsk tsk” From Len
*Chelsie and Roshon - Len will growl and snarl after Roshon does his Sasha impersonation and nails a backflip. “I don’t like all of that malarkey stuff up there.”
The Dancer Most Likely To Get Bruno Dancing On The Judges’ Table
*William Levy – He is likely to get all of us dancing on the judges’ table
The “We Are Not At War But It Sure Seems Like It” Award (tie)
*Maks and Mellissa
*Val and Sherri
The Season 14 Bickering Bickersons Award
*There are no winners as the voters – all 2 of us – decided that nobody can match the Bickersons of Kurt Warner and Anna & Tristan and Nancy
The “You Thought I Wasn’t A Ringer” Award
*Roshon – Because dancing is in his job description
*Katherine - Because she apparently danced on stage for something once
The Marie Osmond “I’m Gonna Faint” Award
*Sherri Shepherd – Can you say Drama Queen?
The Kirstie Alley “Uh Oh I Dropped You” Award
*Gavin DeGraw - Let’s hope this doesn’t happen, but Gavin doesn’t look like a very big guy, and if Karina choreographs something fancy, we might have a problem.
The Albert Reed “I’m Sexy and I Know It” Award
*William Levy – if the shoe fits….
The Kenny Mayne Award for Enthusiasm and Ineptitude
*SWAT and Shakes – no description necessary
The Magical Transformation Award
*Martina - because Holy Guacamole she is a stunner!
The "I'm Going to Insure My Legs For A Million Bucks" Award
The Millinery Award for Head Adornment Excellence
*Gavin DeGraw - He can wear “la montera” (bullfighter’s cap) for the Paso and rock it like no other.
Most Likely To Score The First 10
*Jack and Anna – They are going to turn up the heat and get the first 10 of the season
Most Likely To Score The First 30
*Jack and Anna – They have too many checks in the plus column for them not to have the first 30
Most Likely To Kiss Bruno First
Most Likely To Kiss Carrie Ann First
*William Levy – He’s no dummy, and I’m sure Cheryl has told him that CA is a sucker for a nice, uh, face.
Most Lkely To Kiss Len First
*Ms. Gladys Knight, because Len is going to love their traditional foxtrot, waltz, or quickstep, and she will respond by planting a big one on him.
Most Likely To behave At The Judges’ Table
*Gladys and Tristan
*Jaleel and Kym
Most Likely To Misbehave At The Judges’ Table
*Maks – the repeat winner
The “Whoa That Is a Lot of Blondeness” Award
Celebrity Most Likely To Take The Rest Of Them To School
*Gladys Knight – Nobody can match her personality, charisma, and fire
Pro Most Likely To Take Them All To School
Tristan MacManus – We aren’t arguing with Nancy Grace – ever. If she says he is the most brilliant choreographer and dancer in the world, who are we to disagree?
Celebrity or Pro Most Likely To Have A Career In Medicine
*Tristan MacManus – He has already set up his practice and is known universally as The Irish Love Doctor for his sound advice regarding romance, relationships, and matters of the heart.