The Irish Love Doctor was first introduced through our dear friends and fellow troublemakers at Dublin Down 330. Then we got to thinking that we could encourage donations (and no, you can’t take any donations back after you read this) through a cleverly worded blog relating to the maestro himself – the man who combines dancing, singing, acting, and medicine like no other - the Irish Love Doctor himself. He counsels on affairs of the heart and affairs in general, and his Valentine’s Day advice is the stuff medical journals are made of.
After much thought and deliberation, we have come up with the Top Ten Love Songs – all songs that our own Irish Love Doctor would no doubt recommend. Forget everything you ever heard about sappy love songs because you will not find those here. The I.L.D. will school you in the ways of love, lust, and longing through song – and we aren’t talking sugary sweet songs like My Heart Will Go On. No offense Kate and Leo, but listening to that song while clinging to a broken door in the icy depths of the Atlantic just isn’t going to help your situation nor will it be good for your love life. Similarly, do you really want to induce a serious bout of hurling if forced to listen to Feelings, Endless Love, or the Theme from Love Story? We say NO to that! The following classic love songs reflect the reality of young love, old love, and the loving the one you are currently with scenario.
10. Your Body is a Wonderland (John Mayer)
Now ladies, we know what you're thinking. Most of us certainly don't think of our bodies as a wonderland. If anything my body is more McDonaldsLand than any kind of Wonderland but that's not the point here. I know that if any dude started spouting off that he was mesmerized by my “One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue”, I would sneeze in his face after I had a laugh/snort fest. The Irish Love Doctor is here to tell us that we are not all a bunch of washed up and cynical old spinsters. Not only are we too insecure with ourselves, but any guy that loves us is going to think our bodies are a Wonderland indeed. Wow I.L.D. We are impressed. If you can make us believe this is a love song, then you are worth every cent you get paid.
The problem here is sincerity. As lovely as the whole premise might be, I couldn’t even read the lyrics without laughing and then hurling. Really? This is supposed to be romantic? “You tell me where to go and thought I might leave to find it, I’ll never let your head hit the bed without my hand behind it.” Ah, you smooth talkin’ devil you. So if our own doctor of love thinks this is a good one for serenading, go for it, but please do something about the head banging on the headboard business. Sexy? Yes. Romantic? Not so much. I’m thinking concussion, and concussions lead to nasty consequences. Like barfing. That just ain't romantic any way you look at it. And don’t forget about "swimming through a deep sea of blankets.” This is hazardous to your health and romance. The left leg potentially gets the circulation cut off while having your head beat up against the headboard. There’s nothing good about it, but if the I.L.D. can make it sexy, then he should have at it because we are always listening.
9. I Hate Myself For Loving You (Joan Jett).
Now we’re getting into hard-core romance. It’s that whole love/hate, lust/love business that is hot. You listening, I.L.D? You can belt it out, reach down deep into your gut for some, uh, guttural vocals, and nobody will give a hoot if you are on key or not. This song is rockin’, it’s hot, and it’s the 80s. What’s not to love about these delicious words that sometimes make no sense at all? After all, does love make sense? We ask because let’s suppose the I.L.D. is annoyed and wants to sing from a guy’s perspective. That’s only fair, but we need to evaluate the lyrics as written. What is this hell has this annoying creature put her through? Frankly, I am a little surprised at all of the self-loathing Joan Jett brings up because this song definitely is going to make the person you're singing about hate himself. Why? Because you’re tough, and he's sitting there with the black eye that you gave him before writing this song. But even the toughest of chicks like Joan Jett have feelings - even though they are wrapped up in a tough rocker girl exterior. So here's the question. What’s she going to do it he doesn’t treat her right? Other than the whole black eye thing, there is a whole novel in these few lines that we are just itching to write. But first we have to do something about all those dropped ‘g’s. Missin’? Dreamin’? Lovin’? Any love doctor knows that the overuse of certain words is bad form, thus the overuse of the missing g is decidedly awkward and might interfere with the romance. Mayer had it right with his head banging crap without saying head banging.
But back to our song that’s full of anger, bitterness, dropped 'g's and yes, el amor:
“Daylight spent the night without you
But I’ve been dreamin’ about the lovin’ you do
I won’t be as angry about the hell you put me through
Hey man betcha you can treat me right
You just don’t know what you was missin’ last night
I wanna see you beggin’, say forget it just for spite…..”
8. Foxy Lady – Jimi Hendrix.
Even though nobody has said “foxy” in at least 30 years, this one could potentially result in a major estrogen surge if sung properly. In fact, it could apply to both the ladies and the gentlemen in an oddball kind of way. Girls, release your inner fox. Lads, just see how quickly you score that girl when you lip sync this song like Garth did in Wayne’s World. Ah yes, Ladies, we can see it now. Just imagine your man (okay, any man) coming up to you and giving you the old “I can see right through your clothes, and you look mighty fiiine nekked, babeeee. You are one foxy lady.” Of course, his eyes never leave your chest during this little episode, but that’s kind of how it always is anyway, and I guess we don't mind that too much.
Listening to this one again, I realized there is really nothing more romantic than a hard, driving beat that’s kind of like a jackhammer working in the porn district on Broadway while some raspy voice tries to be sexy when whispering “foxy….foxy….” Yeah, this one is sexy all right. These are some profound lyrics. What do you say, I.L.D.? Want to give this one a try and watch the ladies swoon? We're sure you could make Garth's Foxy Lady dance much more lethal. Oh yeah, and please add some sexy bedroom eyes action when you're staring us down.
“Here I come…I’m comin’ to get ya
Foxy lady…you look so good
Yeah, foxy…Yeah, give us some
Foxy…Yeah, get it babe
You make me feel like sayin’ foxy...foxy...foxy lady..."
Just for the record? SWAT and I are both foxes.
7. It Wasn't Me (Shaggy)
Sound familiar? We at the blog firm of SWAT, Shakes, and Nonsense know why the I.L.D. probably holds this song in such high regard. To spare pain to all parties involved - always believe the seemingly guilty party when he put his hands in the air and feigns ignorance - It Wasn't Me! Yeah, and this isn't my foot booting your cheating backside out the door. The good doctor also knows that when you're in an awkward situation like this (meaning the dude is a lying, cheating s.o.b. with guilt written all over his lying cheating face) you should always take the high road. It always makes the cheater look even worse when his soon to be ex regally holds her head high, struts and sashays the back porch (just to let him know what he’s missing) and walks away. The I.L.D. will probably think this one should go higher on the list, but clearly there are more magnificent love songs. In fact, we were tempted to make this one round out the top 6 but other stellar performances kept this beauty at #7.
Just look at the beautiful love story inherent in these poignant lyrics along with our commentary:
“How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? [because you're a dumbass]
All this time she was standing there – she never took her eyes off me… [yeah because she wanted to make sure you never did it again and was trying to figure out how to handle that without going to prison]
How you can grant the woman access to your villa [again, you're a dumbass]
Trespasser and a witness while you cling to your pillow [you're also a lousy poet]
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer [exactly, smartest line of the song]
Best for you and the situation not to call the beaner [typical male-speak. WHAT?]
To be a true player you have to know how to play [You're not smart enough to play, you gave her a key, remember?]
If she stay a night, convince her stay a day [who are we talking about here?]
Never admit to a word when she say …makes a claim [yeah, because you're a lying, stinking s.o.b. ..oh yeah and have we mentioned that you're a dumbass?]
and you tell her baby no way.” [blah blah blah - you suck]
I’m telling you, these lyrics are so absolutely poetic, I almost cried. I'm not sure if SWAT is crying from the song, or just laughing really hard.
6. Let’s Get It On (Marvin Gaye)
This is what we like. Straight to the point. After all, we're always asking for honesty from him right? Right! No frills, no seduction (well maybe a little) , no flowers, and no candy. Besides, flowers make us sneeze (particularly the pretty ones, and who wants ugly flowers that look like toads or bugs?). Candy is dangerous to the backside (except when it's chocolate, and then we just don't care), so when Marvin says, “Let’s get it on,” there is something oddly appealing about ignoring the perils of Godivas (pure will-power) and pink roses. The big problem is that there is a little bit too much 'baby baby baby' stuff which reeks of insincerity, and the whole giving up the chocolate thing for a man just doesn’t work for us. Think about it. Would you really cut loose if a hot man (we’re not going to get into trouble by mentioning names) crooned these creative lyrics? I don’t think so, but maybe the famous expert on affairs of the heart thinks differently. It's true though, you just can't listen to the first line of this song and not go "Ohhhhh yeaaah"
I've been really tryin', baby [Ohhhhh yeah!]
tryin' to hold back this feeling for so long
And if you feel like I feel, baby…then, c'mon, oh, c'mon
Let's get it on…ah, baby, let's get it on
Let's love, baby…let's get it on, sugar
Let's get it on
We're all sensitive people…with so much to give
Understand me, sugar…since we've to be here…let’s live”
We were buying into this spiel until we noticed the name change. First, Baby? Then, Sugar? What’s that all about? And what in the blue blazes does it mean to say, “Understand me sugar…since we’ve to be here?” I’m thinking this is more a bad seduction technique – especially when he can’t remember your name and the grammar sucks, but the I.L.D. might know something we don't and really be into this one. Of course the phrase "bad seduction" would never apply to our I.L.D....that's why he's the expert on these matters and not us.
We do think that having him wail this song out might just melt our knickers off faster than Foxy Lady...but we’ll see.
5. (tie) Get Outta My Dreams Get Into My Car (Billy Ocean)
Deceptively romantic, Billy Ocean’s love song is good for your earthy self. In other words, it’s time to get down to the real nitty gritty. Normally I don't think of any Billy Ocean song as risqué but this song is a bit deceptive with it's upbeat rythmn and use of jazzy saxophone in the background. We kind of think Billy wasn’t thinking clearly when he recorded this beauty, but the underlying romantic thematic elements show a much deeper interpretation is possible. Pay close attention. Billy is so smooth in his delivery that you almost miss the true meaning of this song. Just read this and imaging the I.L.D. belting this baby out.
“Hey Cinderella, step in your shoe
I’ll be your non-stop lover – get it while you can……
Get outta my dreams, get into my car
Get outta my dreams get into the back seat baby…” and then there was this:
“Lady driver, let me take your wheel
Touch my bumper (bumper)
Hey let’s make a deal
Make it real – like a road runner coming after you
Just like a hero outta the blue
I'll be your non-stop lover – get it while you can
Your non-stop miracle . . .I’m your man.”
You get the picture. It kind of reminds us of…well never mind what it reminds us of. This is a naughty one, but a subtle naughty one. In fact, when listening to it, I had the urge to Cha Cha. It might work better as a love sonnet than a love song, but we’ll leave it up to the I.L.D. to decide. I do think that this is a song however, that only Doc could pull off as a love-related anything because I’m not getting the whole multi-metaphorical, excruciatingly painful use of literary devices, and fairy tale references combined with motorized objects. But men do have love affairs with their cars, so who knows? Regardless, in today's day and age, it's not really smart to get in the back of just anybody's car. One more thing. This whole “non-stop miracle” nonsense is decidedly arrogant and unromantic. We need to work on the delivery on that one.
5. (tie) Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy (Big and Rich)
Now things are getting interesting. It’s sexy, it’s clever, it’s different, and it practically shouts a marriage proposal. Just imagine the Irish Love Doctor crooning this one: “And I saddle up my horse and I ride into the city…I make a lot of noise cause the girls, they are so pretty…Riding up and down Broadway on my old stud Leroy . . .and the girls say ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy’.” Generally speaking, country music isn't exactly the genre that gets the hormones revved up. In the past, the country set was all about being clean. Lots of songs were about losing their women and their dogs, women with big hair singing about cheating hearts, and boots being under peoples’ beds, and it's always been careful. The past few years however country has gotten a lot edgier, a lot raunchy. And this is the song that screams country raunch.
Cowboys are mysterious bad boys, and we all love our bad boys (that whole 80’s Bad Boy thing from Season 13 is still kind of fresh in our minds). I’m picturing the Irish Love Doctor playing his guitar and serenading me with this lovely tune as I look down at him from my balcony. Or maybe that was Romeo and Juliet. Oh, whatever. Leroy, Cowboy, Jim Bob with a brogue, Who cares? Sing whatever you want. I imagine most of the women in the USA and other locations are having all kinds of naughty thoughts right now so yep. It’s a love song in our book.
4. Bad Touch – Bloodhound Gang
Is there anything more romantic than these words: “You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals – so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.” Not only is the Irish Love Doctor knowledgeable in the ways of love, he's also knowledgeable in the ways of science and the strange mating rituals of the common man (and the common jungle animal). His versatility, his wealth of knowledge, and his keen sensitivity are the reasons behind his success. Like any gorgeous bloke, the Irish Love Doctor naturally gravitates to this song because of its sensitive subject matter. In essence, he is telling us that women must just accept some very peculiar masculine behavior. It’s the nature of the beast, so to speak. We are assuming that the Irish Love Doctor's favorite line from this classic love song is, “I want you smothered, want you covered, like my Waffle House hashbrowns.” ‘Nuff said.
3. Mambo #5 (Lou Bega)
This one is a bit tricky. There are multiple possible interpretations but we’re just going with the safe one that there are a whole of ladies panting after the Irish Love Doctor. What to do? You wear suspenders, the ladies love you. You open your mouth to say “poompkin”, and the ladies love you. You floss your teeth, and the ladies love you, You put on your shoes, the ladies love you. You come out of the house with crazy bedhead, and the ladies love you. See a trend here? Believe me, we could go on for hours as to why the ladies all love the I.L.D, but that would take decades, and I'm not getting any younger. But I digress. So the love machine is all confused with this adoration…and not only that, it is kinda sorta about dance in a screwy kind of way.
“And jump and down go and move it all around
shake your head to the sound - put your hand on the ground
Take one step left and one step right
One to the front and one to the side
Clap your hands once and clap your hands twice
And if it looks like this
Then you are doing it right
A little bit of Monica in my life [obviously this should have read Shakespeare]
A little bit of Erica by my side [substitute SWAT]
A little bit of Rita is all I need [substitute Shakes]
A little bit of Tina is what I see [substitute SWAT]
A little bit of Sandra in the sun [substitute Shakes]
A little bit of Mary all night long [substitute SWAT]
A little bit of Jessica here I am [substitute Shakes]
A little bit of you makes me your man"
We picked this song for the I.L.D. because we all know that sometimes it's nice to put yourselves out there and start dancing with different people, date around a little. We can totally envision the I.L.D. flirting and dancing at a salsa club with every willing woman, and that includes the older set. But we are all about keeping it real so, clearly, it was written for us. It’s fate, destiny, and everything else. Sigh.
2. She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy - Kenny Chesney
I don’t know about you, but the thought of riding around the farm on a tractor while getting some romantic notions may not be everybody’s cup of tea, but we think it’s just the thing to kindle some red-hot country lovin’. Well maybe it’s not the tractor but the tractor driver. Did you ever think of that Kenny? Just listen to the cadence, the rhythm, the musicality of this beauty. Add some bagpipes, a pipe organ, a kazoo, and a ukulele, and there might be something to this.
“She thinks my tractor’s sexy…it really turns her on
She’s always starin’ at me…while I’m chuggin’ along…
She likes the way it’s pullin’ while we’re tillin’ up the land
She’s even kind of crazy ‘bout my farmer’s tan…
She’s the only one who really understand what gets me…she thinks my tractor’s sexy.”
Frankly, we think the “she” in this little beauty is old Bessie the cow who is gazing at the previously mentioned adoringly from yonder field, but who are we to doubt the course of true love. We choose this song for Doc because there's not a thing wrong with being yourself. If he wants to get up on a giant John Deere and start cruisin’ around the cornfields looking for babes, then we'd probably think that his tractor's sexy too. It's all about having the confidence, and the doctor of love defines confidence without looking arrogant. So yep. It’s a love song and it’s number 2 on our list.
1. Back on the Chain Gang (the Pretenders)
Yes, this probably isn't what you expected as our #1 love song but since when do the SWATster and I do anything you can expect? This song is perfect because nobody knows what it means, and we think that that whole 'what is a true love song' issue is a conundrum in and of itself. Frankly, nothing screams oddball romance like a chain gang. SWAT and I argued about this one but I somehow convinced her when I pointed out the many possible scenarios of love that could be read between the lines. (Actually, we just thought it was funny).
“I found a picture of you, oh oh oh oh
Those were the happiest days of my life
Like a break in the battle was your part, oh oh oh oh
In the wretched life of a lonely heart
Now we’re back on the train
Oh back on the chain gang…”
There are so many possible interpretations: prisoner of love, going back to prison for impersonating the Irish Love Doctor and getting caught, getting sent to prison for stalking him, being sent to work on a chain gang for writing bad blogs and even worse poetry about him, the possibilities are endless. Like any brilliant love song, you have to have the right vocals, and who better than to sing about a chain gang and a lonely heart in one sentence than the Irish Love Doctor, M.D. (Sure the M.D. part is redundant, but we can’t really call him Irish Love, M.D., so we had to take some liberties.) Just one question. How does a lonely heart have a wretched life?
Regardless it's only appropriate that we top off our Top 10 (which is actually more than 10 because that's how we roll) with a song about a chain gang. Would you expect anything less?