In our usual tradition, we never do anything the right way. For example, we couldn’t wait one more week to give out mid-season awards (which are likely high in demand, by the way). We give them out when the inspiration hits us, and oh boy has the inspiration hit us. So for the next couple of minutes, enjoy our unique perspective on the first 40% of Season 17 of Dancing With the Stars.
By the way, most of these have absolutely nothing to do with dancing. You will also notice that there isn't a single mention of Derek and Amber. We didn't mention Emma and Bill or Tony and Leah either. We have to save something for next time.
Best Use of Incomprehensible Tweets – Val Chmerkovskiy and Elizabeth Berkley – Not only do we usually have no clue what Val is talking about on Twitter, it appears that Elizabeth is afflicted with the same, er, affliction. No freaking clue.
The Justin Timberlake/Jimmy Fallon Hashtag Parody Award – Val Chmerkovskiy and Elizabeth Berkley – Someday I’ll share my aversion to hashtags with you (a few of you know why), but these two are beyond ridiculous. Somebody needs to disable Val and Elizabeth's iPhones, iPads, laptops, and other devices so they can’t use hashtags or at least some technologically savvy person needs to create some sort of fancy blocking device/program/gimmick so that hashtags aren’t available. Not only are they becoming ridiculously overused, these are annoying and even cringe worthy. I could give examples, but they are too numerous to mention. To clarify, we like hashtags. One hashtag. Even two. But not 437 in every tweet. In case we weren’t clear enough, think about this: #hashtags#are#annoying#redundant#and#drive#uscrazy#and#if#I#see#imsoexcited#one#more#time
The Ridiculous Overuse of Selfies – Now first of all, we hate the term “selfies”. It’s kind of like “googling”. Taking liberties with the English language bugs the hell out of one of us (the writer one), however, since these terms (like hashtag) are now in the dictionary. Sigh. I guess we’ll have to move on to 2013 instead of living in, oh, 1976. Anyway, back to selfies. Generally, I don’t like them. Taking a photo for some real purpose? Sure. But Snooki takes endless mundane photos of herself to the extent that Instagram has become our enemy instead of our “promote Tristan as a superstar” friend. I don’t really care that she’s wearing jazz shoes, and I certainly don’t need to see a photo of her taking endless photos of herself with her iPhone while Sasha stands around looking lost in the background. Must we? It’s annoying. Please. Stop.
Biggest Whiner/Sour Grapes Award – It has to be Mark Ballas who overused the term “hypocrite” way too much when talking about Julianne as a judge. That quote put him in our yearbook of sour grapes. Come on, Mark. Really? It was meaningless anyway because all the scores were the same across the panel. There was no need to throw a tantrum.
Biggest Waste of Judges’ Scores – Week 4’s scores were a joke. There was nothing fun, interesting, or surprising. Julianne made valid comments, but her scores didn’t reflect those comments in many cases.
Most Forgettable Good Dancing Team – Mark and Christina - Every time I list the couples, I am one short, and it is always Mark and Christina that I forget. I have to admit that she was on my DWTS future celebrities wish list more than once. Had she been with Tristan or maybe Sasha, possibly Gleb, she would be a legitimate contender instead of maybe a contender or most likely, a forgettable contestant who is likely to be saying bye bye soon. She’s a great dancer, but I forget her (and him) not because I have Alzheimer’s but because they are as dull as dirt. Period.
The Turn the Beat Around Award – Tristan MacManus - The name of this award has nothing to do with turning anything around nor does it really have anything to do with the Vickie Sue Robinson 70s hit that went something like this “….got to hear percussion love to hear it…blow horns sure sound pretty, your violins keep movin’ to the nitty gritty… Anyway, this award goes to Tristan because, well, we are dying to see him dance to this with a celebrity partner who can keep up with him ever since we saw bits of it from Floor Play. We want to see Tristan get a chance – finally – to tell his stories, rehearse full out, and perform with someone who can come close to his talent. We’ve loved every celebrity who has danced with Tristan, but it’s time to turn the beat around and give the man a fighting chance….and give his fans a fightin’ chance too.
The NoSireeBob Award – to the idea of Maks returning as a judge. Nuh uh. No thanks. Julianne was okay but a non-event, and having a sibling, spouse, friend, mama, daddy, or former training partner as a judge for the remaining cast is a bad idea. It screams favoritism, and besides, it was booooring in Week 4. Bring Len back because at least he will call a spade a spade – and piss off Carrie Ann and Bruno in the process.
The SimmaDownNow Award – Karina and her choreography – Now we love Karina and we love Karina’s choreography but we see the “Apolo Factor” happening. Corbin is a great, great dancer but the choreography has been so difficult that something else is missing – a natural flow from one step to another and a correction of the hip hop elements that are still evident even after four weeks. Unfortunately that could spell disaster down the road. Slow it down, Karina. We will still love the dances but we would love it more if Corbin could make it flow naturally.
The Bug’s Life Award – Elizabeth Berkley, in a tv movie I saw recently, had completely normal eyes, but now when we see her all sexied up trying to be sexy all we see is the deer in the headlights look that reminds of us of the critter in A Bug’s Life. And that’s all we think about.
The Ewww This Is Icky Award – Brant and Peta – Peta is a repeat recipient of this award. Season 13 was okay because we only had to see the icky costume one week. In Season 14, we endured it a lot, but Season 15 was the beginning of the end. She and Gilles made us nauseous, and she and Sean were just as bad. Brant seems like a good guy – cute, fun, and probably could win the mirror ball with a pro like Sharna. Unfortunately, we just want to see Peta dance like the amazing pro she is, instead of making it all about “how few clothes can I get by with wearing this week”. It just seems like she’s using the skin factor to keep us from viewing her partner’s mistakes. It’s icky.
The Yep, He’s Brought Her Back – This cryptic award goes to Jack Osbourne who brought back the Cheryl Burke we used to be crazy about. Other than one episode of rehearsal crap last week (which might or might not be real or out of context), we love Jack and what he is bringing us with Cheryl.
The Pros Who Frown the Most At the Judges’ Table and When Facing Elimination – It’s a tossup between Peta and Mark. All I have to say is the look isn’t pretty and the frowns and whiny faces are a reminder of kindergarten when the kid with the frizzy hair stole the animal crackers out of your backpack.
Most Memorable Team – Ever – Forget the perfect 10s, the perfect 30s, the standing on the judges’ table exhilaration and the falling off the chair hormonal overload that has plagued past seasons. In this season, we won’t remember who took their clothes off, who tried and failed miserably to perfect that “I wanna get you into bed look”, who went for outrageous on the costumes, and who went for “I can use more smoke/fog on the floor than you can.” We’re talking memorable, iconic even. That goes to only one. Tristan and Valerie. We’ve laughed, cried, and fist pumped with them. Nobody laughed more. Nobody smiles more. These two will never, ever be forgotten on DWTS. Team Valerie was – and is – special.
More awards are coming when you least expect them.