The SWAT and Shakes ‘How To’ Series – Part 2
Smoldering Sensuality, Sex, and Samba
Before we get into the actual content where we analyze and over-analyze virtually everything, we felt that we should preface this blog post with a disclaimer which goes something like this: You might want to read this one down in the dungeon because you will probably end up there anyway. Why? Let’s just say that your imagination might go a little haywire. We gave you lots of teasers that no doubt got your imagination going to places it had no business going, and we ended up taking way longer than we anticipated when writing this because we couldn't allow our own imaginations (and writing) to stray into uncharted territory. So yes, we toned it down, and then toned it down some more, but it's still provocative enough to get you thinking about what we wrote initially. Do you remember our “Distractions” blog from the early days of this site? (It's somewhere in MacMusings – just go back a few months, you’ll find it). This one reminded us of that blog, but in this case, you can just consider the Design a Dance Samba to be the pinnacle of all Tristan distractions.
Did anybody here really NOT think about sex at some point in the Design A Dance performance? And wasn’t that exactly what was supposed to happen? From the opening seconds where Chelsie was being her naughty self up on the stairs as she taunted and teased -the wind blowing her red feathers up over her head so we got a good look at what was under her costume - until the final position where Tristan was on his knees in front of her, it was supposed to create an illusion of sex. It was supposed to be the prelude, the foreplay, if you will. Guess what? It worked. Brilliant choreography combined with perfection in performance to give us a magical Samba, and that is precisely how you create the party dance of all party dances. You simulate a little sex, create a little sexual tension, have the dance almost – but not quite – cross the line into erotic, and bring the whole “catch me if you can” scenario that we saw in the Cha Cha with Mark and Katherine back in a huge way. That leads to a very satisfactory conclusion. Let’s face it, Ladies and Gentleman, THAT is how you do a Samba.
Here are the basic steps that get you to that very satisfactory conclusion.
1. You pick the unlikeliest of partners so that the element of surprise is always present. Whoa. Chelsie and Tristan? We hadn’t thought about that one for one second before, during or after the voting. At first we believed that Peta would be a good choice. Remember the amazing chemistry in the Run Rumba? And what about the “set the place on fire” chemistry with Kym in Mr. Know It All and again in You Make Me Feel? And the sexiest 40 seconds of dance ever on DWTS in the Dark Waltz with Karina? We thought that these leading ladies, or maybe the gorgeous and sultry Anna, would be the most likely choices to be voted in as Tristan's partner (there was never a doubt that Tristan would win this sucker). But Chelsie? This was totally unexpected. As a result, the Samba was unexpected as well. Unlikely? Yes. Unpredictable? Absolutely. Sexy? You bet. Sensuous? Uh yeah - of the "I can't even catch my breath" variety. Think about it. When you see a sexy couple in a movie, it’s always the unexpected ones who burn up the screen. Well this very unlikely couple burned up the dance floor and gave us something sultry, smoking, and sensual. In fact, it passed smoldering and simmering and moved to the advanced stages of combustion within about 3 seconds.
2. You set the stage. Oh yeah. The darn thing started with heat, blowing smoke, and fire so strong that her dress was lifted high enough for us to immediately see exactly how they wanted us to perceive this dance. They wanted to set the stage with sex, and boy howdy, they sure did. In the initial moments, our vision was partially obstructed. Not too much, but just enough. The setting created an aura of mystery, which was actually brilliant staging. Tristan stood back, stalking his prey. She took her sweet time sauntering down those stairs, teasing him with what was to come, and he lifted his chin a notch, accepting the challenge and taking charge. Like a true alpha male, he strutted confidently over to take control. Did we mention that the whole alpha male thing can be pretty hot on the dance floor?
3. You dance. Chest to chest, bodies plastered up against each other, forehead to forehead, they began the dance. Dare we call it for what it is? The dance of seduction? Yeah, that might be it. But that’s too simple and too understated. Pure unadulterated sex, it was. I dare any of you to say that that precise thought didn’t cross your mind when they began the dance pressed up against each other and then smoothly and seemingly effortlessly moved their bodies in perfect synchronization. Now you might say that the Samba is the Party Dance. Yeah, we got that, and this was some kind of party. Like of the party of the private variety.
4. You Samba roll. And Samba roll. You do Samba rolls and return later with reverse Samba rolls. Every single step is perfected. Front to front, back to front, hips thrusting, arms wrapped securely, this wasn’t just the party dance. It was the dance of seduction, and the dance of sex. We know the Rumba is supposed to be the dance that’s all about sex - the dance where the sexual tension resulting from the battle between love and lust elevates to nearly explosive proportions. Forget the Rumba for the moment. This Samba did all that and more. And you wondered why the Samba is Shakes' favorite dance....
5. You keep it traditional. In spite of all the heat, you incorporate every possible Samba move so your adoring public can’t say that you didn’t do a Samba while also doing your private little dance.
6. You make it creative. It becomes creative when it’s sexy, sexy, and sexy beyond the partying stuff that goes on in Rio. You don’t have to be topless at Carnival. It’s the illusion of sex that makes it so sexy. So you get creative. You turn up the heat so the ladies don’t look away, and then you turn up the heat some more so that when the dance ends, the ladies have big smiles on their faces. And they can’t stop grinning. For hours. Or days.
7. For variety, add some lifts. But make the lifts just the right lifts. Remember when her legs ended up wrapped around his neck? We’re not even going to discuss that further.
8. You add a twist. Just when you think the lady has given in, she turns away. He stands behind her and begins the seduction all over again. Shall I get to the sexy move before the head whipping begins? For safely reasons, just be glad it wasn't Oksana's hair whipping around because Tristan might have lost an eye or two. But we're a little off topic. Let's get back to the moves. Holy. Crap. Legs apart, knees slightly bent, the body thrusts forward. Let’s such say there was a whole lot of pelvic thrusting, hip swaying, and yeah, sex simulating going on.
9. End it just the right way. She moves away and goes back to where the fire started. He ends by sliding on the floor on his knees looking up at her and well, you know. This little seduction was nowhere near finished. Like any good storyteller, you leave your audience waiting for more.
10. Call the rescue squad. Stat. Oh, and Tom? Tell Chelsie that after that Samba our first comment was, “We’ll have what she’s having.”
The experts’ review: We have actually been discussing the sexual nuances from this Samba since Tristan and Chelsie won DaD on Tuesday. Remember DaD has an entirely new meaning for us. It’s no longer a Xena Warrior Princess battle cry for revenge; instead it is a SWAT/Shakes operatic high note of pure ecstasy. SWAT shattered all of the fine crystal goblets on her étagère and Shakes’s Chinese porcelain figures suddenly flew off the shelf as a result of the squeals. In other words, this Samba gave the ladies a thrill that most of our husbands haven’t been able to do in years. TMI? Ahhh, screw convention. It’s the bloody truth. To not admit that this Samba has sent us into a blubbering frenzy is a disservice to all MacManiacs. Sometimes you just have to call it for what it is.
This Samba was rated T for Tristan. Being T-rated is somewhere in between being R-rated and X-rated with some PG-13 rated humor. Maybe the MacManiacs are the ones that are T-rated....who knows...