DWTS SEASON 14 AWARDS – Our first series of Awards from Season 14 (the First Annual Ridiculously Trite Awards - or the F.A.R.T.s) are followed up with these beauties – The Totally Asinine B.S. Awards – otherwise known as the T.A.B.S. Awards. Agree with us or not on the actual awards (which have absolutely no value or meaning other than we wanted to be silly), you have to agree that we have way too much time on our hands right now, are way too bored for our own good, and Season 15 needs to start soon. Enjoy!
*Best Abs of the Season – Henry Byalikov - Remember the Bollywood Samba and all of the pictures thereof? A picture is worth a thousand really descriptive words.
*Best Backflips of the Season – Henry Byalikov - Sorry, Sasha, but you lost this one. Henry’s backflips in the finale pro dance were kind of awesome because they were unexpected. Besides he covered more ground.
*Worst Hair of the Season (or for at least one week) – Tristan MacManus - Whoever did that to Mr. Bedhead is in deep trouble. We almost had to go into therapy as a result of it.
*The” I’m So Noble That I Dance Even with A Broken Foot, Back, Head, Leg, and Fingernail" Award -Maria Menounos – Lordy, that was tiresome.
*The “You Tweet and Retweet So Much That I Unfollowed You” Award – Sasha Farber - Good grief. Enough already. We love you, Sasha, and we know you want to be a pro, and you probably deserve it because you’re really, really good, but nagging doesn’t work. When you clog up our twitter timeline, we unfollow.
*The “He Makes Me Want to Wear Fruit on My Head, Cover Myself With a Few Feathers, and Do the Party Dance” Award – You probably don’t need for us to tell you who won this one.
*The “That Choreography Makes Me Cringe” Award – Derek Hough for the Bollywood Samba and the Vampire Argentine Tango – not because it wasn’t brilliant choreography, but because the Bollywood theme failed miserably for the Samba, and the overdone vampire thing was a turnoff for the AT.
*The Yikes Award (goes to the most cringe worthy performance of the season) – Tie - It was a toss-up between Mark and Katherine’s Rumba & Derek and Maria’s Salsa (the feathers on her head were ridiculous, and combined with the Big Bird yellow and then the losing the shirt – yuck. Also anything else involving no shirts gets honorable mention. Yeah, Maks and Val, we’re talkin’ to you.
*The I Think I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt Award So I Won’t Wear One – Maks, Val, Mark, Derek. Thinking you’re too sexy for your shirt and dancing without your shirt to convince us you’re too sexy for your shirt? Epic fail. Frankly, the only one we want to see without his shirt is Tristan, and we don’t particularly want to see him dancing like that. At Chippendale’s? Sure. On DWTS? No thanks.
*The Overkill Award – Goes to ABC for overuse of the pros and troupe in the finale. We love them all, but we didn’t need to see Maks in Val and Sherri’s final dance along with Henry, Sasha, and Kiki nor did we need to see Val in Maks and Melissa’s final dance. That was just the beginning.
*The Stupid Choreography Award – to whoever choreographed the It’s Raining Men dance with Sherri and 800 men. What exactly were Maks and Tony supposed to be doing when they came from the ceiling? Their arms were doing weird crap that resembled nothing like raindrops. Besides those suckers would have killed anybody they landed on. This time the theatrical did not work. It was boring.
*The Trendsetters Award – To SWAT and Shakes (yep, that's us) – Thanks to Ripley who was at the mall and found some hideous neon colored kinda-sorta tutus and immediately thought of us. See? We aren’t too crazy.
*The Funniest Post of the Season – to Stirred Not Shaken who said: You might be a Tristan MacManus fan if you think watching his Samba is a religious experience. She summed it up for all of us. Holy moley. That was hotter than anything we’ve ever seen on DWTS – and Chelsie and Tristan didn’t have to strip down and do it on the dance floor to make it sexy. Are you listening fellow pros? Sometimes the illusion of sex is good enough.
*The You Wear It Well Award – Mark Ballas, Katherine Jenkins, and Tristan MacManus who pulled off the whole secret agent, secret service, secret whatever it was with amazing panache.
*The “Insert Eyeroll” Award- To Brooke Burke for still acting like we need for her to act as Tristan's translator
*The “Oh Sh*t” Award (goes to that one gob smacking moment when all you could do was mumble “Oh Sh*t” to yourself)- Katherine Jenkins - When Katherine's pant leg got stuck on the bottom of her shoe, and she continued to Cha Cha her fanny off while Tristan and Mark each had simultaneous inner panic attacks. BTW Katherine rocks; she was unaffected by the whole thing.
*The “You Go Girl Award”- To Gladys Knight for dancing her heart out and making us wish we had just one iota of her spark!
*The “Dance That Wasn’t An Encore Dance, But Should Have Been” Award - Hello DWTS, ever heard of The Empress of Soul and a little something we call “Motown Week”?!?! Yeah, their Rumba would have been a great send off to Motown...not her imminent departure.
*The How Rude Award – to DWTS for not giving Gladys the respect she deserved by awarding her and Tristan an encore dance during any of their weeks,while giving a couple of pairs had two each. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The Encore Dance was never about the best dance - it was always about entertainment, and I hate to break the news, but some of those encore performance were just not worthy.
*The Overuse of the Pimp Spot Award – given to the producers for constantly throwing Donald and Peta & William and Cheryl at us and letting us know week after week that they were the ones you wanted to win. During 10 weeks, Donald and Peta had the favored spot in weeks 3, 5, and 10. William and Cheryl had it in weeks 2, 6, and 8. Katherine and Mark? Not once. So out of 10 weeks, 2 couples took the pimp spot a total of 6 times - for math whizzes like us that is 60%. Yeah, that’s fair.
*The Go Straight to the Dungeon Award - Tristan's Samba with Chelsie - All that hip action – all that SAMBA – it was our destiny. So was banishment to the dungeon.
*Worst Makeup/Costume Award - The KISS Troupe Dance Male Unitards with equally disturbing psychedelic mime makeup. Yuck.
*Bad Costuming Decision in the Form of Perpetual Big Birding – Derek Hough for his constant overuse of blindingly revolting yellow costumes: Season 14 Salsa with Maria, Season 13 Samba with Ricki, Season 9 with Joanna (salsa and lambada), and probably more that our memories have suppressed. See a trend here?
*The Secret Crush of the Season Award - Gavin DeGraw, who just made our hearts go pitter patter when he carried a concussed Melissa Gilbert down the celebrequarium stairs and over to the paramedics.
*The Bummer Award - Martina and Tony. We had such high hopes for this couple.
*The Secret Weapon Award - Tristan MacManus who always seems strategically placed in these DWTS situations where he makes things work better - in this case, the Trio Dance with Mark and Katherine.
*Nice Guy of Season 14 Award – Henry Byalikov – He was the nice guy of twitter, he was always kind and gracious, and he gave us an interview without hesitation. He has achieved rock star status in our book.
*Best Camera Angles of the Season – The introduction of a Tristan Samba to television audiences (“Fiebre”). Let just say that those hips don’t lie.
*Most Memorable Dance of the Season – Tristan's Samba. Either of them. Just pick one.
*Best Chemistry of the Season - Tristan and Gladys followed by Tristan and Katherine Jenkins. Who knew that 90 seconds could tell us so much?
*Single Best Performance of the Season – Forget the dancing. It was Gladys Knight bringing down the house with “The Way We Were.”
*Best Fansite Around - Duh. This one is no contest. MacManiacs.org wins in a landslide.
So there you have it. Our totally arbitrary awards which are meaningless and which nobody cares about anyway but it gives us something to do. Just imagine what we're going to have for you next time....