Week 6 gave us (us meaning SWAT and Shakes) a lot of interesting problems – not the least of which was the way to figure out the many faces, personalities, and characters that showed up on the dance floor to strut their stuff. We could try to figure out the ladies, but that would be too easy. Their flamboyant costumes, ridiculous headdresses (hello Maria), overdone and underdone messes would be way too easy to analyze, ridicule, and rip apart. The guys, on the other hand, are a bit more challenging. Here you have a little boy playing dress up, a big boy thinking bubblebum pink was somehow a good idea, a couple of drunks, a Chippendales wannabe without the stuff to strut, and a genuine “hotter than the sun” poster boy for what every woman looks for at Carnival in Rio de Janeiro.
So ladies, here are your male characters (or lack thereof) from Latin Week.
William Levy - We think Carrie Ann must have taken a wrong turn somewhere when she called William “The Latin James Bond.” He’s Latin, but that’s the only possible correlation between William and James Bond. 007 he ain’t, especially not when we are familiar with our friend 0014 (remember him? He showed up for the Tango with The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane in Week 8 of Season 13 and was thus called because he was twice as hot as 007). So we beg to differ. He’s not James Bond. He’s not even Maxwell Smart. He’s kind of just, like, William Levy. Nothing changed. There really was no character. His purpose was to get Carrie Ann and Bruno all riled up, and he did that. He was just William, and I guess that’s okay, but wasn’t he supposed to be taking on a role? We must have blinked and missed it.
Derek Hough - We will be nice on this one, even thought the temptation is there to go in a thousand different directions. First we thought he was Rico Rico, the Chippendale dancer who got fired for wearing yellow, but then we realized there was no way he would qualify as a Chippendale. He was too scrawny and too, well, shellacked. We think his chest was varnished for sure with a polyurethane seal – the kind you put on your wood floors to make ‘em shine. He actually looked disturbingly like a Ken doll I had decades ago, but with fewer muscles. But we’re not going to insult Ken because Ken would not have tried to be so blatantly erotic on the dance floor; Ken didn’t need to because it was obvious he was sexy. Rico Suave seemed to need to shout it from the rooftops to be convincing, and guess what? It took us about 20 seconds in to realize that those white pants and shoes screamed “used car salesman” instead. So we’ll just call him Rico or I Have A 1986 Chevy For You In The Back Lot…
Maks Chmerkovskiy - We can’t think of a darn thing that was memorable with regard to whatever character he was supposed to be, but he is now to be forever known as “Pretty in Pink.” Also, he says he doesn’t spray tan, but this is mighty curious. He had that glistening oiled up greasy thing going on – not quite shellacked but more like the shiny dome of Mr. Clean but on his chest instead of his head. Come to think of it, he kind of looks like Mr. Clean, and if he happened to be all oiled up (because isn’t that supposed to be sexy?) we realized there are logistical issues that need analysis. Wouldn’t all that oil get on all that pink and show up on the shirt, and then if he threw the pink shirt into the washer, there would be a fire hazard because anything with oil on it should never be washed in a washing machine because it’s flammable….don’t you see that our minds couldn’t stay on his dance or his character because of the high risk of fire involved in laundry detail?
Mark Ballas - Here we have proof that Mark Ballas is trying to be a first cousin twice removed to Gavin DeGraw and second cousin twice removed to Tristan MacManus. We call him Gavin MacManus. He clearly thought he had inherited the “I can wear this hat and look cool” gene from the DeGraw side of the family, and was probably disinherited by his Irish relatives for trying to pull off the suspenders that only one pro dancer can successfully pull off. Besides, we feel sorry for him because he was drunk in Newark instead of San Juan, so we’ll let him pretend to be related a little longer. We know he’s not really related and the Gavin MacManus thing just sounds kind of cool; he probably just wants to be somehow connected to two such very cool dudes.
Jaleel White - We think he was a misguided elephant hunter who somehow ended up on a dance floor somewhere in the middle of Trenton or Raleigh. We do believe there might have been a crime in progress – something like an Attempted Samba Without The Legs, Hip, or Arm Action. Or maybe it was a one of those drunken dances my Uncle Frank did at weddings and bar mitzvahs. That’s probably it. We think his name is Bruno Inaba because those 2 crazy judges seemed to think he was good. It had to be a family thing.
Donald Driver – This is a conundrum because we aren’t exactly sure who he is or what story he told. He looked like a big, badass football player on the dance floor; you know the kind – the ones who can pick up women (literally) and fling them around the dance floor at any bar in any place and look good doing it. The problem is that the dancing looks just like the football playin’. It’s mean, it’s fierce, and it’s fast, but not so rhythmic or sexy. We’ll just call him Donald Driver because that’s who he was on the dance floor. He wasn’t Ricky Ricardo, Ricky Martin, or William Levy. He was just Donald. That’s okay because Donald is a cool guy and a nice man – but the character forgot to make his way from the parking lot into the ballroom.
Gavin DeGraw– He’s goofy, he’s adorable, and he laughs at himself. Everybody loves this guy and whoever he is, he has spirit and you just want to hug him and watch cartoons with him. Since he had that whole boat thing going on which was a bold move since Len hates all the malarkey, we’re going to call him Popeye the Samba Dancin’ Sailor Man (without the bulging muscles).
Roshon (what’s his last name?) – This one almost slipped our minds, and the funny thing is that Shakes couldn’t even remember his last name when writing this blog and 24 hours later, she still can’t and refuses to look it up. THAT is how forgettable he is. He’s cute, he’s young, and he’s almost like Gumby with rubber legs and arms. Maybe an over-caffeinated Gumby with rubber legs and arms. But Gumby isn’t sexy. Neither was Roshon, but he is kind of funny and takes criticism nicely which is a plus. Somebody that young who doesn’t take himself overly seriously gets character bonus points from us – something we are sure he really appreciates.
Tristan MacManus – Well now, I don’t think any of us will forget – or recover from – our first Tristan Samba experience. Lordy mercy, the man can move. And move. And move. Frankly, we didn’t know where to look first, and that’s all we’re saying on the subject. This party animal is a tease, a flirt, and a ladykiller, and he probably has a different girl every night. Who cares? He knows how to party, and every now and then we all just need to escape to Rio, hit Carnival, and dance all night with a man who looks hot and moves like a sexy dream, twists, turns, and shouts, “Come on, you’ve got this!”, “Two! Three!”, and “Come on! Come on! Come on!” in that party-crazed way that he does. His dancing partner even yelled “It’s party time!” to the audience before they began, and she wasn’t kidding. This was the Party Dance and the Party Animal led the way. We are building a shrine (thanks, Shakira) to Mr. Hips Don’t Lie.
The Best Character of the Evening Award went to none other than Mr. Hips Don’t Lie, followed by Popeye. Ladies and gentlemen, those 2 know how to party, how to win us over, and how to keep us coming back for more. Too bad Popeye isn’t around anymore, but we love him anyway, and he is our second favorite leading man and always will be.