And you though last week’s blog was insanity. We had a new topic all picked out that wasn’t too bad and probably mildly amusing, and we still might use it in the next day or two, but dang it, ABC had to go and publish another photo of the cast ending their Week 2 dance, and the pros were all over the place. Of course, our imaginations went a little crazy and this is the end result. We didn’t really want to create another dialogue blog, but this was just too easy.
Derek: “Wait a second, if I’m the one with the Emmy, then why am I way back here?!!?”
SWAT: “Get used to it Big D, You’re just not Tristan MacManus.”
Shakes: “Whoa. Back up a minute. Derek won an Emmy?”
Mark (singing to himself): “ ‘Billy Jean is not my luuu-vah… ....’ .Oh crap. My mouth is permanently stuck in this position, and where are my spats? I always wear spats. I can’t dance properly without me spats. Crap again. Now I sound like MacManus.”
SWAT: “Uh oh, he’s channelling his inner MJ. And his inner Tristan MacManus.”
Shakes: “Mark, you won’t find Waldo on the floor. He’s in the book, remember? He’s not real. We talked about that.”
Witney: “Ready or not.....here I come! Karina? I’m gonna find you...”
Karina : “Shhh, don’t tell her where I am.....I cheated....while I’m back here I need to check out the judges table to be sure Corbin can shake his tailfeather up there without crashing the table. It’s probably not safe now – did you see SWAT and Shakes trying to Samba up there? Damn. And it was such a beautiful table too...”
Gleb: “Yo Karina. Get back here. I’m supposed to be flipping you over my head about now.”
Karina: “Quiet, Gleb. I’m looking for Tristan.”
SWAT: “Aren’t we all?”
Shakes: “Too bad I found him first.”
Sharna: ”Somebody listened to me when I was choreographing...and his name is Tristan MacManus. See how we’re the only ones eyeballing the camera dude.”
Sasha: “I’m being a good boy, and no way am I giving up my pro spot.”
Henry: “ I’m being a good boy, and since I choreographed it with Sharna, I have to set a good example so I can be a pro next season.”
Lindsay: “I’m being a good girl and maybe they will let me be a pro again next season.”
SWAT: “I’m being a good girl so I can get lifted over Tristan’s head in the next dance.”
Shakes: “You can all go to time out.”
Tony: “Whoops…I think I picked up the wrong blonde. Where’s Peta again? Dang. She’s heavier than she looks.”
SWAT: “Guess that’s why you have that “I just got a hernia” look on your face.”
Shakes: “No, that’s what happened when he tried to lift me.”
Peta: “Crap, I got stuck behind Cheryl and didn’t make it over to Tony in time. Now the new kid is getting all the attention. Harrumph.”
SWAT: “I keep trying to tell ya’ll…he was supposed to pick.ME.up!
Shakes: “While you guys are bickering, Tristan is picking ME up. “
Peta: “What the.... Karina! We’re not playing football until 6, remember? And it’s touch football anyway. NO tackling. You’ll make my minuscule fabric strips become dislodged.”
Tyne: “Well since I’m up here, I might as well try to draw some attention myself.”
SWAT: “Do your best Miss America wave.”
Shakes: “Good Lord. Her teeth are as blinding as Tony’s. There’s a glare.”
Sharna & Witney: Whoa, Emma. Is that what you call “in the moment?”
SWAT: I think that’s what you call “bet you can’t do this.”
Shakes: That’s what you call “Whip it. Whip it good.”
Emma (singing): “I’m a maniac…maaannnniiiiaacccc...”
SWAT: “Mark’s channeling his inner MJ, and Emma is channeling her inner Flashdance something….very interesting.”
Shakes: “One word. Whiplash.”
Cheryl: “Speaking of Footloose, I think that’s not the only thing that’s loose. I’m losing my dress right now.”
SWAT: “Hey, it’s better than having to see Peta naked all the time.”
Shakes: “You should’ve stopping shakin’ your groove thing a while ago cause stuff is gonna be shakin’ loose in a minute, and I’m gonna go blind. Yo, Val, eyes straight ahead, you don’t need to be seeing that.”
Val: “I feel pretty, oh so pretty, so pretty and witty and bright....”
Shakes: ” Dude. This ain’t West Side Story and you’re not exactly Maria.”
SWAT: “Snap out of it, man. And focus. Her eyes aren’t where you’re looking, dude.”
Tristan: “Yo Yo Yo, peace out on the West Side...”
SWAT: “That’s what happens when they put him up front…”
Shakes: “Whoa. That’s a nice look...”
Tristan (singing): “How do ya like me nowwwww...”
SWAT and Shakes: “A star is born...”
When we saw this photo of the cast after the Season 17 opening number, we just couldn’t help ourselves. We envisioned dialogue - lots and lots of dialogue. This photo is just way too tempting on so many levels, and the facial expressions tell a whopper of a story. So we decided to just go with it and, of course, we added our own commentary to go right along with the little story that seems so obvious to us. So enjoy the conversation behind this photo.
Elizabeth: "Yep...he's wishing right now that I was Kelly Kapowski."
Val : "In the balcony....is that Kelly Kapowski? Maybe my ringer for Season 18…
Shakes: “Who is Kelly Kapowski?”
SWAT: “You are the only person alive who has no clue who Kelly Kapowski is.”
Bill Nye: "I'm wearing this outrageous shiny suit, and ya know what....I'm owning it. And my scientific mind predicts that our Cha Cha will get 3 million+ views on you tube."
Tyne: "Who cares? I have a damn cramp in my butt from holding this pose.”
SWAT (to Shakes): “Bet you couldn’t get in that position and hold it.”
Shakes (to SWAT): “Bet you couldn’t get away with wearing a shiny suit the way Bill Nye does. You probably don’t even own a bow tie.”
Sharna: "Yeah Tyne, they had me in that pose last season. HaHaHa. That’s our version of an initiation ritual for the newbies. This year I have a giant to sit on. I’m perfectly comfortable."
Keyshawn: "I guess they made me stoop down so there would be room in the photo for everybody else. It sucks being me.”
SWAT: “I wonder how I would look in those gold pants.”
Shakes: “Not nearly as good as I would look in those gold pants – assuming I multiplied the amount of fabric times 14. And if I got down on one knee like that, you would need a forklift to get me up.”
Brant: "I wonder why I still have my shirt on. I heard that all of Peta’s partners strip.”
Peta: "I’m freezing my ass off. Where is that sweatshirt that Out Of Tea sent me last season?”
SWAT (to Peta): “I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you’ll cover up.”
Shakes (to nobody in particular): “I’m gonna go blind this season. I know it."
Leah: “Tristan MacManus is a stud.”
Tony: "Tristan MacManus is a stud.”
SWAT: “Tristan MacManus is a stud.”
Christina: "So you want me to just stand here and try to look sexy right?"
Mark: "Yup...just find someone in the audience to stare at and make them feel really uncomfortable. We’re going to be the sexy team this season."
Shakes: “They must have gotten a discount at the Acme School of Sexy Poses.”
Corbin: “We look so good.”
Karina: “We’re supposed to look good. Notice how we’re smiling at the camera like we were told.”
SWAT: “They look good.”
Shakes: “Yep. This is a match made in DWTS heaven.”
Amber: "Dammit...Lea Michele's here, girl's here to try to steal my spotlight...again....Derek, quit squirming and pay attention to me.”
Derek: "I gotta go potty. It’s over there. I really need to go bad.”
SWAT: “Tee Hee.”
Jack (to himself): "That's right, just cross your arms in front of your chest because you have no idea what else to do."
Cheryl (to herself):"I really wish I could wrap my legs around Jack like Karina is doing to Corbin, but Jack won’t let me touch him. But after Valerie and Tristan, we are the cutest couple this season."
SWAT: “They are pretty adorable, aren’t they?”
Shakes: “And they know how to pose for a photo without looking like they are constipated."
Snooki: Relax, Sash. Loosen up. Remember the days of Jersey shore? I’m thinking you should choreograph a fist pump into our Rumba. Oh wait, why are you doing a fist pump at The Situation?
Sasha: What’s a situation?
SWAT (to anybody who is listening): I wondered the same thing, particularly when he got an encore for his Paso.
Shakes (to anybody who is listening): That’s when I got a WTF tattoo.
Bill E.: "I'm just happy to be here! Just wait until Foxworthy shows up and sits in the audience. Emma, I might have to dress down a bit for Jeff. Rednecks don’t wear sequins or fuchsia.”
Emma: "I'm just happy to be here!"
SWAT: I’m happy to be there too but I’d be happier if Tristan was dancing a Rumba.
Shakes (to SWAT): "They are looking at the ceiling. Didn't I warn you about swinging from it in the middle of a show?"
Valerie: "Eat your heart out Macmaniacs. Take a look at what’s wrapped around me.”
Tristan: "Protect me, Valerie.. I wonder how many MacManiacs I’m going to have to hit with a restraining order…Shakes, SWAT, Reformed Lurker, Out Of Tea, Mrs. ATA, Lincap, Cha Cha, LC…”
What would Season 17 be without our always insightful and carefully-thought out (not to mention objective) predictions about the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars? You never know what kind of bull we will start spouting, and this season is certainly no exception. First of all, when predicting any season, you have to understand that we will always, always predict that Tristan and his celebrity partner will win the whole shebang. Why in the blazes would we ever predict someone else to win? Sooner or later, the odds will be in our favor, and we will surprise the heck out of everybody and actually be right. We say that this season is as good as any to be right.
So here they are - ranked 12 to 1. Remember that we are never right about anything, so chances are that our #12 will end up #3 and #2 could be the first one out. That’s just how we roll. But just think about the following carefully: It COULD happen. It probably won’t, but we do have some pretty good reasons for our conclusions.
12. Whatshername and Bill Nye – Okay, that was mean. Her name is Tyne, but honestly, it might be because Shakes is old and starting to forget stuff or because SWAT was practicing her Tango with her broom instead of paying attention, but neither of us remembered her name right way. That isn’t good, but in all fairness Tyne is an incredible dancer with tons of skills that we really want to see. Now we all know Bill Nye, The Science Guy, and we were worried that Mr. Nye went “Weird Science” on us and created his partner in a lab, mainly because we don’t really know Tyne, and we don’t know much about her because we didn't get to know her through the Troupe. That is problematic because a lot of people care more about the pros than the celebrities, and if your pro is a relative unknown to the voters, that could get ugly. Sure, a lot of fans of the Science Guy will watch and vote, but we doubt if they are of the hard core voting variety. Unless Bill is able to apply the regeneration of earthworms to the voting process, we think they might be out first. We hope we're wrong though because they could be lots of fun to watch.
11. Tony and Leah Remini – All we have heard is about the Scientology thing, and we really don’t need to hear it again. There hasn’t been much buzz about them – other than it was breaking news that she wore pink one day to rehearsal and that J-Lo will be in the audience Week 1 supporting her friend Wow. Is that it? We really aren’t sure about them, and Tony isn’t known for creating powerful chemistry with his partner, and they have given us nothing to work with. So unless they give us something to work with within the first week, they might be going bye bye Week 2.
10. Cheryl and Jack Osbourne – This doesn’t strike us as a particularly dynamic pairing, and Cheryl is known for turning up the sexy. That’s not going to happen this season just like it didn’t happen with D. L. Jack’s medical issues and the fact that he is even doing the show make us respect him even more. Unfortunately, when Kelly was on, it was several years ago and the Osbourne’s reality show was still in our minds. Not so much anymore. They had better hope for some Latin dances in the first couple of weeks because we can’t really see them dancing in hold. The Osbourne and Cheryl fan vote should keep them in it for a few weeks – unless they suck, which they might.
9. Emma and Bill Engvall – Realistically,we think they probably will be gone earlier than this because we’re not sure his fans are into the Rumba and Waltz, and those who are will likely not vote in mega-numbers. Emma has fans, but she doesn’t have millions of fans, and people still say, “Emma, who?” Unfortunately we think the curse of the new pro and a less than household name celebrity will likely do them in early. The other problem? From the rehearsal photos, we think Emma might have fallen into the Peta trap and their Foxtrot could very well be more about drawing the attention off of the celebrity instead of showcasing the celebrity. Hopefully, that’s not the case, because we would love to see them stick around. We don’t think that is going to happen though.
8. Peta and BrantWhothehellisthisguyagain – Here is the thing with these two. We KNOW Peta will need one of those sweatshirts Out Of Tea sent her last season, and we KNOW Peta is going to once again play the “I’m almost nekked every week and you’re supposed to love it” card, but unless Brant can give us the soap opera smolder with the intensity of a thousand suns, we’ll just have a predictable couple of weeks of shirtless or open shirt Brant and Peta without almost everything, and therefore, the “ick factor” will go way too high and force us to type love letters to Justin Bieber during their performances. We are predicting a 4 or 5 exit but we wouldn’t be surprised if they go home first.
7. Sasha and Snooki – The only thing that comes to mind with these two is energy, and we wouldn’t be surprised to see them bust out of the gate with a “Hey Mickey” cheerleader themed Cha Cha, but if they pull out tricks, gimmicks, and a bunch of illegal lifts, it won’t end well. We also don’t know if Snooki still has the fans from the days of the wonderful show, Jersey Shore, and no, we never watched an episode because nobody in Jersey or North Carolina watched that mess. Remember The Situation? He couldn’t dance but there have been plenty of people who can’t dance who do really well on DWTS. The Situation was out early and he was very popular with whoever it is that watched Jersey Shore. Holy crap. My daughter just confessed that she watched it. And for that I paid her college tuition? Damn. Anyway, Sasha and Snooki might be okay for a few weeks, but he doesn’t have tons of fans because he isn’t an experienced pro on DWTS and Snooki is - well - still Snooki and not exactly what we would call a star. We still want to see their Jive because that could be epic, assuming Snooki can move her feet, but a few weeks at best for these two. The might even be one of the first 3 out. We do think, however, that they are going to loads of fun and laughs, and we can't wait.
6. Val and Elizabeth – If we were being completely honest, which we are not, we would have them out in the first four, but that seems harsh for a ringer that is as big of a ringer as Elizabeth is. There is something not appealing about this combination so far. On the other hand, they might do just fine, but Val will not have the benefit this season of a celebrity who lives on social media and has 85 million (or 6) twitter followers. This is a different ballgame. Some people have these two pegged as making it to the final, but we just don’t see it. Val is going to bet the farm on making every dance spicy hot but missing some key content and then we will be forced to watch Elizabeth play her Showgirls character again. We already groan when we see reruns of this movie so why would we want to see the sequel in Season 17? They will be gone by mid-season. Mark it down.
5. Derek and Amber – Here is another one we aren’t sure about. People automatically assume a top five finish just because Derek is the one in charge, and make no mistake about it, Amber is a top notch entertainer, and she has done her share of moving and shaking on Glee. She might not be the ringer that Elizabeth is or that Corbin is, but she has plenty of practice learning choreography so she is still ringer material. She is also already hugely popular and she is very active on social media. We like her a lot, but we don’t think this will be an easy road because she isn’t, shall we say, the ringerist of ringers. She’s just maybe a 60% ringer. We are tuning in just to see Derek have to sweat it out during elimination weeks because most of the time, Derek and his partner tend to be called safe first (or very, very early) every week in every season. We want to see the uncertainty that maybe, just maybe, you aren’t safe, and we believe this is going to be the season. They will be around a while, but will they make it to the final 3? We vote no. Like we said, we like her and we like this pairing just fine. We just like the others more and while Amber is a top-notch actress and a fun lady who can most likely sell a wicked Cha Cha, we don’t think she can sell us a wicked Rumba or a wildly over the top contemporary. She will be able to sell the fun, but we just don't think she and Derek can sell the sexy.
4. Mark and Christina – Dang it. We’re not sure about this one either. Could be a finalist, but we think it’s unlikely. Christina has dance experience, she has entertainment experience, but she was annoying as all get out on The Voice as an entertainment correspondent. In fact, she reminded us of Brooke - the awkward questions lady. Remember her? We just hope that Mark doesn't add Twerking to his Salsa or Samba but we are afraid it's going to happen, and that would just be wrong. Sadly, we don't want to see it, but we won't be able to turn away because we will be astounded that somebody actually had the nerve to give it a go. Now if Valerie and Tristan tried it, we would be entertained at the audacity of it all. With anyone else? Not so much. Next problem - Christina is a huge ringer, and in the season of ringers, that's not bad, but she's not nearly as likable as Ringer Corbin and Pro Mark isn't as lovable as Pro Karina, so those two strikes could mean surprisingly early exit - regardless of talent. Remember Sabrina? (The original and the sequel). Remember Kristin Cavallari.
3. Sharna and Keyshawn – We love Keyshawn, and we are so tired of a football player being front and center every season, but he is a fun guy with a great attitude, and he and Sharna seem to be having a great time. The problem is that this season there is a cast full of ringers, great personal triumphs, and very popular quirky characters. Keyshawn might have the fate of another football great, Kurt Warner, who exited before the finals, but we think that he will leapfrog over some of those ringers and get to the final three because of his fan base and also because Sharna will make him one of the most interesting characters this season. She has a full bag of tricks, and we can’t wait to see what they are.
2. Karina and Corbin – This is a big whopper of a case of ringeritis, and the Disney connection is evident. We should be annoyed by having a dancer who is not only a dancer but a featured dancer on Macy’s Stars of Dance right on Dancing With the Stars. Was that too many “dance” words? That’s because the dude is a trained dancer/dancer/dancer and has been dancing since he could, well, crawl probably. The thing is, however, we love him, and we love that Karina never complains. She accepts the judges’ comments without the pouty whiny face and she doesn’t do trampoline jumps up and down when called safe. If we have to have a ringer who could easily win, we like this one and we like that he is with Karina. The only problem is this….how could they possibly win when up against a legend who happens to be dancing with the Hunka Burnin’ Irish Love? That’s a tough break, Karina and Corbin.
1. Valerie and Tristan will win of course because what kind of fan site would we be if we didn't pick them to be hoisting the tacky glittery mirrorball over their heads on November 26, 2013?
In a year old tradition, SWAT and I are bringing you our team descriptions, predictions, and names largely based on those absolutely gorgeous (sarcasm) team photos released by ABC on Wednesday. You just can’t ignore the plain white king-sized sheet from Sears background that flatters nobody and makes you wonder if we should be taking the photos for them. Anyway, it also became apparent this time that SWAT and I saw very different things in these photos and that I like to ramble a lot about nothing in particular. Regardless, we give you the Teams of Season 17 – SWAT and Shakes style.
Tristan and Valerie – Sigh. Okay, as thrilled as I am about Tristan and Valerie being a team, I’m not crazy about this photo, and it has nothing to do with the pose or the energy between them. They both look very pleasant and comfortable together. Their smiles are nice, and Valerie has some nice extension going on. What gets on my diggity dang nerves is the wardrobe. Tristan is wearing all black which is sexier than sin, but I would be shocked if he can breathe since that his shirt is buttoned up to his chin. Hello ABC! God gave Tristan glorious chest hair for a reason, and that was so he could share the joy of it with others! And as for Valerie, I quote the lovely and wise Mrs. ATA who said, “She’s dressed in something that my husband’s MeeMaw would wear.” Very true Mrs. ATA, and has a MeeMaw ever actually won DWTS? I think not. Valerie is a fighter, so she should dress like she’s celebrating and not like she’s trying to hide in the shadows. Introducing Team You Go Girl – Straight To the Costume Department And Kick Some Ass.
Sasha and Snooki – Good grief this woman is short. Looking at the photo (which is a good one by the way), Snooki just comes up to Sasha’s shoulders and she’s wearing heels. I do think that this is an ingenious pairing however, and I also like how glamorous Snooki looks in this photo as opposed to her signature trashy beehive and low cut shirts she used to wear a couple of years ago. Maybe motherhood has softened her. Regardless, I really like the transformation, and I can’t express how happy I am for Sasha as well. I’m looking forward to seeing how these two get on. Snooki’s sass with Sasha’s energy will make for a good team, which is why my team name for them will be Team Snooki Fierce And You Don’t Mess With Jersey Girls – and First Time Pros From Australia.
Tony and Leah – I think this is going to be a decent team. I really do. And I’m kind of digging their good buddy kind of photo where they look comfortable with one another. Tony looks ecstatic, as well he should. This is one of those few (very few) times where they give him someone he can work with. Leah is gorgeous, and Tony is dashing and even though there is no news yet that she has any dance training, I’m sure she’ll be able to pull it off. Tony never really has any sexual chemistry with any of his partners but Leah could cure him of that. Nice photo…nothing striking or flashy but the camaraderie is there. This is Team Sexing Up Season 17.
Corbin & Karina – This is the only team that is actually doing a real dance pose. They look like they are in it to win it, and it shows in their photo. What can I really say here? Karina is a divine teacher, Corbin is already a professional dancer so I’m not worried about them in the slightest. Now there’s no real sexual chemistry between these two but I think they are going to be the team to beat this season. Team Ringer Ding Ding.
Brant & Peta – Well I’ll say one thing. Besides the fact that I have no idea who Brant is, and still don’t, he definitely looks happy to be here. This is a nice photo with both Brant and Peta giving us those million dollar smiles. These two are another team that I kind of forget about too, just because I’m so unfamiliar with Brant and the show that he’s on. But he could surprise us. My opinion is that Peta got another Sean Lowe and I’m fine with that. Brant is nice to look at and he and Peta will look nice together. Now if only she could show a little less skin, their chemistry won’t come off as icky. Team Sean & Peta (without the Bachelor nonsense)-Part Deux.
Elizabeth & Val – Here is a team that I think is a little too obvious. ABC wanted to give Val someone who could dance but not someone who is going to win the show. They almost seem lukewarm to me, and the perplexed look on Elizabeth’s face doesn’t help matters here. She seems completely closed off, and Val has pasted a smile on his face. It almost looks like they met each other for the first time the day of the photo shoot and could care less about why they are there. There is no togetherness…. Team Saved by the Showgirl But Lost By The Boring and Predictable.
Keyshawn & Sharna – These two look nice together, and I simply love Sharna! Keyshawn, like the rest of the American footballers will be his usual suave and charming self and will be able to stay in the competition based on strength in fan votes alone. He also looks a little too casual as he’s standing there with his bowtie undone so I hope she’s ready to work. In a way I do feel that ABC didn’t put much thought into this addition to the cast. It was almost as if they just threw him in there because they needed a football player to round out the cast and they gave him to Sharna because she’s one female pro who hasn’t danced with a football player yet. At least we know ABC is being fair with the rotation of partners for the female pros. That’s why I couldn’t resist giving them the name Team Touchdown Rotation and a Big Old Penalty Flag for Predictable.
Christina & Mark – Again, another photo that really doesn’t say much…at least on her end. I do like that Mark is looking at her which puts the focus on his partner. I’m sure these two are going to be fine, and they are another team that I’m not worried about in the choreography department. How they are going to be able to stand out from some of the stronger personalities this season is going to be the challenge. Christina is beautiful and talented, but she doesn’t exactly reel you in with her personality. Mark has also gotten partners like Christina in the past so I don’t see there being anything particularly interesting about this couple. Hate to put it this way but I had to name them Team We’ve Seen It All Before.
Bill Nye & Tyne – Bill’s got some good extension in his legs in this photo and Tyne has that “I’m SO Happy I’m a Pro” look on her face. Bill also looks very comfortable. Believe it or not there are a lot of people who are rooting for The Science Guy this season, and yet I’m not quite sure how he is going to do. I kind of get a Kenny Mayne vibe from him, so he could be busting out the goods week one only to get voted off with a bang that same night, at least that’s my theory. My name for Bill and Tyne is Science Guys Dance Too…Maybe.
Amber & Derek – Meh…could be worse, could be better. There’s really nothing special about this photo. Derek is giving us his “sexy eyebrow stare” and Amber looks very pretty. Problem is, there is no energy at all, and normally when I think of the show Glee I think of fresh and energetic. I am sure Amber is going to do well, but this photo isn’t really selling it for me. But we know that Amber and Derek will be selling it to the judges and the rest of America which is why I’ve named them Team The Powers that Glee.
Jack & Cheryl – Could this photo be any more awkward? Jack and Cheryl are in hold and yet there is literally three feet of space between them. Jack looks like he’s scared and unsure of himself and Cheryl has put on a smile, but I can see the concern in her eyes. This is one of the couples that I keep forgetting about too when I’m running through the DWTS lineup this season. I know this is all very new to Jack but hopefully Cheryl will help him feel more confident or else these two are going to have an early exit. It’s unfortunate but I’ve dubbed them Team 50 Shades of Awkward.
Bill Engvall & Emma – You had me at Bunny Ears Bill and Emma. I love this photo! You can tell that they are already having a blast together and it’s obvious that Bill is here for mostly comic relief. My guess is that he and Emma are going to have fun this season and that’s their main objective. Emma is a fantastic choreographer and so I’m sure this team is going to keep us smiling for sure. Between Bill Engvall’s Blue Collar Comedy and Emma’s stellar ballroom presence there is only one way to mesh the two together into something unique and entertaining. My team name for them is Team Blue Collar Ballroom.
Now I am turning over to the snarky and rambling Shakes…
SHAKES' Teams...in no particular order
Derek and Amber – Cute photo. I guess. He needs to lose the swarmy mustache. Not that I know what 1970s porn stars look like but that’s what the caterpillar over his upper lip looks like in my wild imagination. He also needs my own personal stylist (that would be me) to advise him that spats do not go with that outfit. Also those pants remind me of a pair of polyester trousers my dad wore to church on Sunday when I was a kid. I fully expected to look down and see white shoes (a la used car salesman) going with it (more on the shoes below). She’s a cutie, and I think I am going to like her a lot but I don’t want to hear Derek sing with her because no way could he match her pipes. She’s a powerhouse singer; he’s a dancer. Here’s the problem with this photo; she is smiling like she’s having a great time. He looks like he wants to seduce the cameraperson. It’s not working. So we say, next time before you take the photo, just say, Team Smile and Say Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Mark and Christina – Er….what’s up with this one? She looks awkward. He looks like he would rather be getting a new tattoo or having a beer with his pals. Her hair looks like it’s part of the white sheet and not part of her head. The dress? Color is all wrong. Even her right hip/leg whatever it is looks contorted. Sigh. I had such high hopes for a Christina Milian appearance on DWTS, but this isn’t making us stand up and applaud at all. Not a single flicker. Not a spark. Nada. So I am saying this is Team You’d Better Turn Up the Heat STAT Or It’s Gonna Be Arrivederci For Y’all.
Tyne and Bill N – Bill Nye is wise. As in an owl. But that will need an additional explanation which will come in a minute. Here is the thing. We know Tyne was on DWTS at some time during Season 16, but we barely remember her. Okay, we don’t remember her at all other than seeing her name pop up. In the Dances With the Blondes TV show, we recall so many blondes dancing and whipping their hair at one time that we really could only recognize Emma and Oksana most of the time. Wouldn’t ABC have done better with at least using a familiar face? Oksana or Witney or even Lindsay? The Science Guy is awesome and would be great with anybody. In fact, I think Bill should have been with Peta, Brant with OWL. (Oksana or Lindsay or Witney – yeah, I know. That just came to me, but it was so corny I had to use it). So here’s the thing. He looks great and has a nice line but we don’t know her at all. So we’re calling this one Team Should Have Been An OWL.
Emma and Bill E – This photo is the best – by far – of the group. In spite of the dreadful generic white background which makes everybody look like they are standing in front of a sheet (which they probably were) and which makes you think you could take better photos with your old Samsung flip phone (which you probably could) this photos is hilarious. Emma looks likes a goddess and makes us all want legs like that (and a body) but she is clearly having the time of her life. Whether they are in it one week or ten, they are going to have a good time. Who doesn’t love Bill? His sense of humor makes him a stud. So I’m calling them Team Stud and the Million Dollar Legs.
Sasha and Snooki – Now that Snooki has lost the wild hair that resembled a beehive permanently residing just north of her forehead and we’ve had time to get over the fact that people in Jersey Shore made millions going to the gym and drinking beer and cheap tequila, we love her. She and Sasha are having fun, and did you read her blog? She paid a great tribute to every other celebrity in the show, and we give her a standing ovation for that. We are also going to give them a standing ovation when they do the Jive because mark it down, it’s going to be epic. For that, this pint-sized team gets the name Team Standing Ovation.
Val and Elizabeth – When Val pulled the “I’m gonna play the sexy card again and show ‘em chemistry just like I always do” at the cast reveal, we knew we were in trouble. The problem with that is that we’re sick of the showmance, romance, bromance, nothingmance so don’t be pulling that crap again. How about this? No gimmicks, no silk see through shirts, no Speedos with dance shoes, and no partial or full nudity. I will give it a week before the shirt comes off and as soon as Rumba week comes along, we’ll have the silk see through shirt. Elizabeth will be in Peta costume mode – meaning little or next to nothing, and if I had a body like her, I would probably go around like that too. Yes, I’m jealous. We’re calling her Ringer 2 – only because she didn’t do Macy’s Stars of Dance like Corbin. Anyway, the team photo was surprisingly not sexy and kind of average. Using the Sears plain white sheet photo background that is so flattering to all, we have her looking just average and bored while Val looks like he is ready for a burger at Friday’s. If this is sexy, smoldering and red hot chemistry, then we’re in deep doody cause you have to have chemistry with each other. Team Name –Team Prepare Yourself Because These Are the Most Clothes We will Wear All Season.
Peta and Brant – Cute photo but it seems like the rest of Peta’s promo photos. Hasn’t she used that pose a million times? Also, why not put him in dance pants? The shocking pink shirt was a bold move, but it didn’t work well with his “I just graduated from Yale Law School, and this is what all the boys wore” pants. He also looked like those babies were gonna split wide open and give us a showing of skin well before we were ready for it. He’s cute, we think we will like him a lot, but if she pulls the “take it off card” in Week 1, we’re going to have big fat issues with it. We want to see choreography and teaching, and we also hope Brant isn’t already a dancer because Peta hasn’t really had a challenge as far as physical limitations. Case in Point: Season 13 – Metta World Peace (athlete, prime condition – couldn’t dance but he was a specimen). Season 14 – Donald Driver (another athlete, prime condition – he would have won the MBT no matter who was his partner and that season was a lot of lifts and more lifts, but not much else) Season 15 – Gilles Marini – arguably the most popular celebrity ever on the show until his ego got too big for his dancing shoes. Season 16 – Sean Lowe – another one who was in prime shape and while he wasn’t a dancer, we also didn’t see a lot of hot off the press choreography. Season 16 – an in the prime, hot tamale from ABC Family who should have gone to Sharna so she can showcase her talents and teaching skills. Since we don’t get the logic here AT ALL, I’m going with Team Scratch My Head.
Karina and Corbin – Cute, but doesn’t she use the same pose all the time too? He does look adorable in the suspenders, but let’s face it, only one person on DWTS rocks suspenders, and his name starts with a T and is spelled T-R-I-S-T-A-N. Not much smolder but we like this photo okay except it appears like pink is the color of the season for the boys. We’re not sure that is okay. Also, where is Karina’s other leg? It’s going to be tough for them if they only have a combined three legs. Anyway, I think they are a ringer/contender but that’s okay because they are mighty cute. I’m calling them Team DWTS Musical Because High School Musical Has Already Been Used. We also think they would do a great Jive, Lindy Hop, or Charleston. Not so sure about the Rumba or Samba, but we’ll look forward to it.
Cheryl and Jack – Okay, this was awkward. If somebody looks awkward in front of the photographer, then switch the pose. Why not just have him standing beside/behind her? Why have this weird pose where he isn’t comfortable, Cheryl isn’t comfortable, and we aren’t comfortable? I think he is in this for the right reasons and is going to be fun, but ABC needs to 1) quit putting everybody in the weird pants 2) placing them in weird positions that don’t even resemble dance poses, and 3) just stop annoying us because it’s been that kind of week. Had he been holding her close, it would have been fine. As it is, the lack of connection tells me the chemistry is not there. I do like the pairing though – Cheryl has never looked better, and he looks strong and healthy. I just hate the pants (not his fault) and the dress shoes (again, not his fault) that ABC has seemed determined to pull out for DWTS – the Used Car Salesmen Edition. This can be Team Cut Loose and Have Fun But Get ABC To Let Them Have Fun.
Sharna and Keyshawn – They get bonus points for being one of the few couples who weren’t a complete washout against the white sheet. They actually look striking, but the loosened bow tie doesn’t work and instead of sexy after the cocktail party look, we’re getting a “what the hell is this thing around my neck look and why is it there?” It would have been much better with just the shirt (well, and the pants and shoes too). I’m telling you. They need my stylist. Sharna looks breathtaking as always, and I think they will have fun. I don’t think Keyshawn will be as endearing as Andy, and at age 41, he just might not have all of the NFL pulling for him. Like I always said, Sharna should have been paired with Brant, but like Tristan says, it is what it is. I will call this team Team No Bow Tie Because If You Put Another One On Me I’m Gonna Rip It Off With My Teeth.
Tony and Leah - Damn. Tony borrowed Derek’s polyester pants and paired them with Keyshawn’s bow tie which they must have died in my mama’s special marble loaf dye (no, there's no such thing - I just made it up because I'm creative like that). They look comfortable together, kind of like a pair of old shoes. See where I’m going with this? Team Old Shoes doesn’t have a great ring to it. They look comfortable like my flip flops or fuzzy slippers but not particularly hot to look at on the dance floor. Which brings us to a team name - something like Team Fuzzy Slippers and Pajama Pants.
Tristan And Valerie – Yeah, the photo was kind of weird. I have an outfit like Valerie has on and I wouldn’t wear it to dance, and Tristan? A black bow tie on a black shirt that is damn near choking him? Bleech. The costume department had an epic fail day on this one. HOWEVER, the gleam in the eyes is there, the crooked little smile is there, and the tendency to cause hot flash moments among all of us whether we are menopausal or not is also there. Facts are facts. I also stole the team name directly from Ms. Harper. What else could they be except Team You’re As Cute As Can Be?
The rambling is over. Thanks for listening.