Season 16 promises to be a mess, but not as big of a mess as Season 15 which, in our humble opinion, just flat out stank up the place. From start to finish (with the exception of the Melissa and Tony win which was well-deserved), we found the whole thing kind of predictable from the standpoint of favoritism, gimmicks, the new crappy point system which seemed to be applied indiscriminately, and idiotic overscoring for mediocre routines. But enough about Season 15, because it’s, well, so last season. We’re going to be talking a lot about Season 16 over the next few weeks. Here is what we expect to happen.
Disclaimer: We are never right so don’t count too much on any of this happening.
***Derek Hough will be back. Don't let all of the press fool you. In spite of his early season claim that he was moving on, we think he will return. There was way too much drama in the finale (tears) for him to stop now. Not only that but we’re sure that Derek wants another MBT and in spite of rumors that he could be sitting in a judges’ chair, we’re not buying it.
***Tristan MacManus is going to get a ringer. No doubt about it, he’s going to get the best, most talented, most well-respected dancer/singer/dancer/actress/performer/dancer who also has a fan base of gazillions, and someone who has founded her own charity to promote world peace. She's going to be lovely, he's going to be perfection, and they will trounce the competition every week with their stellar dance skills and blindingly bright charisma. Too much? Not a chance. It’s going to happen.
***Valentin Chmerkovskiy will have his shirt permanently attached to his person because that’s the only way we can watch him dance again. He probably should have his pants attached too because he has developed a tendency to lose those as well. Okay, who are we kidding. We know he'll be back, and he will be baring it all week after week, and we will have to cover our eyes because all that naked skin is, well, too much for our impressionable young selves. We think they may give him a partner that'll make it to week 3 but that's about it.
***Tony Dovolani will not get a ringer. He got a win after more seasons than we can count, but don’t count on a two-peat. We think he just might get a stinker. We think there are other pros more deserving of the stinkers, but the ABC gods haven’t always been kind to Tony. They've given him only a handful of decent partners over the years, but they never give him someone great twice in a row. He rightly won last season. He won’t even get close this time around.
***In four seasons, the role of the DWTS Troupe has fluctuated as wildly as our hormones, and we think their role will be diminished somewhat and the focus will get back to the regular pros. We miss seeing our pros dance, and while we love the troupe, this season was too hectic, too wild, and too much. We need some peace and quiet at our age, and some of those dances had so many people in them our eyes crossed, rolled back in our heads, and gave us migraines. Not to mention that it's getting more and more challenging to watch the pro dances when there are 30 people dancing all at once. The dance floor just isn't big enough for all of them and our eyeballs are stressing out because of it. Here’s the thing: we like to know where Tristan is (or Sasha or Henry or any of them) when they dance; last season it was impossible to focus on anybody.
***There will be plenty more crazy gimmicks such as a Beverly Hillbillies Lambada, a Matrix inspired Polka, a My Mother the Car Tango/Macarena Fusion Dance, a Bonanza Meets Gunsmoke Viennese Waltz, a Star Trek Electric Slide (complete with Spock ears), a Survivor Bump (as in the 70s), and a Cirque du Soleil Rumba (this one’s for you Derek). And don’t forget the Psycho Samba. That should put an interesting twist on things.
***The Dance Duel will literally be a Dance Duel. The two teams will face each other from opposite ends of the dance floor and just duke it out – kind of like mud wrestling or death by flicks and kicks. Forget the dancing because that’s never really mattered anyway. We might even see something like Mark slap Maks across the face with a pair of fencing gloves. This will be hardcore.
***Tristan MacManus and whoever he is dancing with (with the exception of any of us) will get the first 10 of the season and that will come in Week 3. It will be for his amazing Rumba with the Ringer mentioned above. We will all be happy for him of course but we'll also be freezing cause we'll all have to pack ourselves in ice in order to recover from the hotness of said Rumba with Tristan and said Ringer.
***One of the female pros won’t be back, and we’re not sure it’s going to be Cheryl. In a surprise move, the new pro won’t be Emma or Sharna, but Oksana who is the only original troupe member remaining. We haven’t gotten to see a lot of her choreography, but she can move, and she’s feisty. We like feisty. We also think she’s been very underused during her 4 season on the show. She's paid her dues, It’s time to let her shine.
***The Marathon Dance will return to the absolutely puke inducing disgust, er, we mean delight, of DWTS fans worldwide. After all, it’s so fair and objective. You put all of the couples out on the floor and the judges pick them off one by one starting with the most aged or least skilled celeb, or perhaps the one who just needs the point boost will stick around the longest.
***Yes, there will be a fourth judge, but it will change every week. Gotta keep it fresh, after all. The rumored rotating judges for Season 16 are: Carrot Top, Snooki and JWOW (because life after Jersey Shore is gonna be tough), Honey Boo Boo, and Scooby Doo.
These are just our early predictions, you understand. We’ll have many more as all those crazy rumors keep coming in. We’ll be matching them up, whining a lot, and re-predicting our predictions. We hope you enjoy the ride.