It's that time of the season when we start giving out our awards. Usually we wait until the halfway point, but this season is just overflowing with possibilities, so we decided to start at about the one-third mark. Yes, these are ridiculous, but we're all about having fun, so here you go. Love 'em or hate 'em, here they are.
The That’s A whole Lot of Skin Award - This one goes to repeat winner Peta Murgatroyd who can’t seem to keep her clothes on for more than a couple of seconds. We don't think we've ever seen a costume where she isn’t mostly bare. Derek Hough gets honorable mention for losing his shirt Week 2, and that might be a record, but we don't feel like going back and looking through all the videos to double check. Let's just assume it's a record.
The We’re Shocked the Skin is Staying Covered Award – to Val Chmerkovskiy. All we can say is “Whodathunkit?” We were convinced Val would be baring it all sooner than later, but even in the Men of Season 16 dance, he was covered up. Our little boy is finally growing up - or he's just afraid of being too sexy with Zendaya, who, in case you didn't catch it the first 300 times people have mentioned it this season, is only 16.
The We’re Not Surprised the Skin is Showing Frequently Award or The “I Gotta Do Something To Get Noticed Award” – to Gleb Savchenko who was the only pro in the Men of 16 dance (excluding the always chest- baring troupe boys) who kept his shirt open and his freshly waxed pectorals exposed to the elements. He also likes to go completely shirtless during rehearsal footage, which we guess makes dancing easier. I know I always love to try to grab onto a sweaty hairless dude when I dance. Val? Talk to him, would you?
The Funniest Use of the Nekked Chest Award – to Andy Dick whose parody of the chest-baring antics of pros and celebrities (oh, that wasn’t supposed to be a parody? Oops…) was hilarious.
The Kiss My Grits Award – to Len whose crankiness has gone to new heights. He makes menopausal mood swings and/or PMS seem tame. We hope that Carrie Ann offers Len some Midol during the commercial breaks.
The Best Use of 12 Seconds in the History of Television – the mind boggling trio dance during the Week 3 results show which was meant to be a little audience entertainment prior to and during the commercial break but instead caused a thud heard around the world. A big chunk of that thud was SWAT rolling off of her couch in ecstasy and Shakes' laptop falling off of her lap as she jumped off of her Lazy Boy and started doing a happy dance. All that jumping up and down probably caused an increase in the size of the San Andreas Fault too.
The Best Use of 4 Seconds in the History of Television – Tristan MacManus for choreographing a simple yet “holy moley” lift in the "Tiny Dancer" contemporary with Dorothy when the music reached its peak. Yeah, that was something all right, and it proves that lifts don't have to be crazy,gravity-defying, circus-like, and outrageous to make a big impact. Goosebumps all the way around.
The So Far You Kind Of Blend Into the Background so Show Us Something Amazing Please Award - Multiple award winner Gleb. We like his personality, his relationship with Lisa, and his looks, but so far, he’s just kind of there – nothing bad, nothing great – just there. We would like to see brilliant. Runner-up: Lindsay, but she’s so young, we can’t fault her for still getting the hang of it.
The Lacey Who Award – Ever since Sharna showed up in Season 14 we thought of her as a replacement of sorts for Lacey. The difference here is Sharna doesn’t talk back, she doesn’t break the rules, and while she might like props and costuming a little much, she is the consummate pro, and she fills that particular pro spot very nicely. Once she makes it all about the dance instead of the fluff, we're gonna love her.
The Dumbest Move of the Year Award – to ABC for not having Anna Trebunskaya back as a pro. She’s hugely popular, talented, fun, and a great choreographer. Change is okay, but Lindsay is just too young for his job (troupe anyone?). Our ideal list of female pros? Anna, Chelsie, Kym, Karina, Cheryl, Sharna.
The Not So Great Dancing But Great Entertainment Award – Andy Dick and Sharna – In spite of ourselves, we love this couple, love his work ethic, and think this is one of the most inspired partnerships ever on DWTS. Sharna’s extensive background in performing, dance, and choreography prepared her for this and Andy’s respect for her is enormous and well-deserved. Hey, worse dancers have advanced further (Bristol, for example), so we say, keep it coming Team Dick.
The Dang It We Can’t Remember You Award – Gleb and Lisa. Have they even danced yet? Runner-Up: Mark and Aly, Kym and Ingo, and a few more
The Dance We Can Almost Remember Award – Mark and Aly – We kind of remember their Quickstep but that’s it. Not a single thing stands out, but we’re hoping for better things in Week 4.
The Dance We Wish We Couldn't Remember Award - Sean and Peta. YMCA. The non-Cha Cha Cha Cha. The encore. The costumes. Where is that amnesia when you need it?
The Barbie and Ken Award – Kellie and Derek – It probably doesn’t need an explanation, but we’re going with this. Besides, Derek called them that himself in his blog and even referred to their “blonde moment” when they couldn’t add up their scores in their heads. Besides they are cute.
The We Don’t Really Care Award – to ABC for sharing the Karina and Jacoby footage of, shall we say, his flatulence. Come on, ABC, that was nasty. Karina probably didn’t need to share the information either. We don’t care if Jacoby farts or not, and it’s actually kind of a TMI moment.
The Who Are All These People Award – to the Troupe and all the extra people who show up in their dances. We like six troupe members; when there are ten or 3,000 of them (that's what it seems like), we just can’t keep track, and for the first time, one of us (you guess which one – SWAT or Shakes) got up and left the room when they were dancing. With the new members, it’s hard enough to tell who is who, and with the blonde explosion on DWTS this season, we can’t even think about keeping track of all that blonde whipping hair, but let’s go back to six so we can get to know our Troupe. Otherwise, you might as well have a gang.
The I’m Scared Award – to all of the male dancers who have to deal with the blonde explosion of whipping hair – all the male pros forced to content with the dancers imposed by Oksana, Emma, Witney, Lindsay, Peta, etc. etc. That’s frightening stuff.
The We Need Sunglasses Award – to everybody who is confused by all the blondness and can’t keep up. Heck we can’t tell them apart when they are spinning and turning and flicking and kicking. Which one is Oksana, Peta, Emma, Witney, Lindsay, Chelsie, Julianne (we forgot Chelsie and Julianne aren’t on – couldn’t tell any of ‘em apart), Derek, and Kellie... Well maybe Derek and Kellie don’t have whipping hair but they have the mind-numbing blondness that makes us pull out our Ray Bans.
The Blonde Hair Conspiracy Award - This goes to Derek. Not to harp on the blonde hair thing but there seems to be an awful lot of female blonde hair going on and only one male pro with blonde hair - Derek. This wouldn't be such a big deal to us if the rest of the male pros including our very own sexy Irishman weren't brunette. Trying to pick out a male pro during that male pro number was nearly impossible since they all had dark hair and wearing were leather. It made us come up with the conspiracy theory that ABC purposely does this crap to show off Derek – or maybe SWAT has been watching way too many reruns of “24” on Netflix which is the likely scenario.
The Stick Fork In Eyeball Award - to Len for being so freaking inconsistent and rude with his critiques toward the teams - so much that it just makes you want stick a fork in your eyeball out of frustration (now don’t go getting any crazy ideas – we’re talking figurative language here, not literal, Don't go to the kitchen for a fork or anything other sharp object). Alternate: Peta for making us watch the hideousness of her Prom Week, tribal hangover getup – it seriously made our corneas hurt without the fork.
The Wishful Thinking Award - To the MacManiacs for secretly hoping that ABC would give Tristan another dancer for this season. What can we say? We are eternally optimistic when it comes to Tristan, and it’s a darned shame all of those votes are going to waste.
The Your Partner Isn’t Doing You Any Favors Award - To Sean who is clueless to the fact that Peta isn't doing him any favors by always trying to upstage him with her lack of clothing and over-the-top attempts at sensuality, sexuality, and something else that ends with 'ality' but we can't think of another word. Again, Sean would have been better with Kym...or Anna....who might we add again SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THIS SEASON. Harrumph.
The We Get It You’re Good At Dancing For Someone So Young Award - Yep, we get it. We’ve heard it enough on twitter from Val, Zendaya, and her legion of twitter followers who share that information with us frequently. Yes, she’s the ringer. Yes, she’s mature (we hear it all the time), yes she’s 16, and yes, she’s mature. Through no fault of their own, people seem to think we’re idiots and can’t figure out that she is 16 and mature and a ringer. One question: wouldn’t it have made more sense to have her on when she finished high school? We’re sure she has tutors, but no way can you rehearse long, long hours, do homework (which for my kids took 4-5 hours a day in high school), and fit in everything else. Did we mention she’s young, a ringer, and mature?
The Season 16 Super Duper Eyeroll Award - to SWAT, who just can't stop rolling her eyes at basically everything that happens this season. People who trigger this reaction are Peta, Derek , the Troupe, Len, Carrie Ann, Bruno, Brooke, and Jacoby who likes to fart during rehearsal footage. Have we really come to this DWTS?
The You Make It Way Too Easy Award - Goes to Peta, Derek, the Troupe, Len, Carrie Ann, Bruno, Brooke, and Jacoby who make it way too easy for Shakes to churn out a brutally honest recap every week with their constant shenanigans. She basically knows what she's going to write before the show even starts. [note from Shakes: This is true. This season is so predictable, all I have to do is fill in the blanks]
The Show Us What You've Got Award or The What Are You Waiting For Award - To Ingo and Kym. You can tell that he's trying and has some natural talent, and he has a fantastic teacher in Kym but these two aren't exactly standing out. In fact, we sometimes forget that they are a part of this competition because they are in the middle of the pack and have done nothing yet to make us get up off of our backsides and do a happy dance. They have what it takes to make it to the finals, but they are going to have to show us what they've got in order to overcome the Zendaya and Kellie show this season. We know y’all can do it Ingo and Kym...so what are you waiting for?!?!
You think these are ridiculous? Just wait until Part 2.