Let’s just say that this week, DWTS is seemingly going to need its own surgical wing or at the very least, an emergency treatment center in the glitter pit. We are a bit skeptical about all of the attention-getting devices that are going on this week – some probably real, some likely fiction, and some manufactured for pure dramatic effect. It’s making us (meaning me - Shakes) a little crazy. That also means that SWAT probably won’t let me publish this because she’ll say I’m being mean. She, on the other hand, was mostly nice this week – mostly being a relative term because regardless of how nice we are being, we can't ignore all that sarcasm and snarkness just waiting to escape. I won’t share who said what, but I will say that there is so much nonsense going on for Week 4 that we can’t tell what’s real, what is grandstanding, and what is absolute bull dinky.
Here are our unpredictable Week 4 predictions.
*Mark Ballas will pull out the makeup case again for his Foxtrot with Christina, perhaps going with something understated this time around. Maybe just a little eyeliner and blush to get the proper look. We wouldn’t want him to overdo nor would we want him to have to scrape off the makeup with a trowel two weeks in a row.
*Peta and Brant will make the censors at ABC pause briefly before allowing them to dance shirtless. At least Brant will dance shirtless and Peta wll dance mostly shirtless, and the waistline of the lower half of her costume will stray into dangerous territory south of the border. One false move and things could get ugly. We might be talking Basic Instinct stuff here.
*Elizabeth will have to bend her knees to do the Argentine Tango with Val, and Val will jerk his head sideways and squint in order to revisit the “I’m too sexy for my shirt” look. This also means that he will probably lose his shirt or appear at least mostly bare pectoraled because that’s how he rolls (yes,we made that word up). We might see a surprise costume – such as Elizabeth wearing her “I’m about ready to enter the convent” getup and then strip off to reveal slicked back hair, few clothes, and the personality of a gnat. Oops. That was mean. Sorry, but this couple is about as exciting as having a hamburger without the fixin’s, and that’s just wrong.
*Tony will make sure Leah is covered in a rather substantial quantity of feathers, fabric, or sequins so as to distract the judges from the footwork and bad legs. Their Samba? Yawn. Cha Cha? Same song, different verse. I’ve already started yawning. Oh yeah. Tony will also make bad costume choices for himself. We will see his freshly waxed chest which has been oiled to a sheen, a costume in a color like neon pink or lime green, and the glare from his teeth will cause our eyeballs to twitch. Actually, we love the teeth. The costumes we don’t.
*Julianne and Derek will make us roll our eyes with their “ripping the head off my Barbie” stories and while she will threaten him with disaster, she will score him exactly the same as Carrie Ann and Bruno because that’s how this season is going. We think she will do the same for every couple.
*Carrie Ann will cry twice and will hyperventilate repeatedly after Brant strips down and wiggles his ass for the Samba.
*Bruno will be the one falling off of his chair this time, mostly likely after Brant’s Samba, but he will also give that ridiculous tilt-the-head sideways, wide-eyed look when Christina dances and he will say, “Oh you naughty little vixen” or something equally annoying.
*Amber and Derek will provide us with rehearsal drama because of the knee/ankle stories and have us wondering how they will ever dance a passable Tango after only 13 minutes of rehearsal all week! Okay, so we lied. We’re not really wondering that at all because this scenario happens every season. So we predict they will be dumped in the bottom three, regardless of scores, just for fun (like they did Kellie and Derek after the be dance they did all season – the Paso Trio with Tristan). They will create all kinds of drama that nobody will fall for: Derek’s sister is the judge and poor Derek can’t do anything right (but he and Amber will still get 9s) and poor Derek has another injured partner – just like Jennifer! And Maria! And Shawn! And etc.! “How could this possibly happen?” “They didn’t get to rehearse either at all until Thursday!” “There’s no way it will be any good!” Yeah, and we didn’t just fall off the turnip truck either…
*Sasha and Snooki’s Jive will be very good with all kinds of tricks to go along with the flicks and kicks. This is one time that the possible combination of travel time, illness (Snooki’s fever) and fatigue might make a difference. Under normal circumstances, we would say this is the dance that might bring the first 10s of the season, but now we’re not so sure. Our predictions on this one will be bland and uninteresting because we have no idea what to expect other than Sasha and Snooki will probably be better than we expect. We also predict that you have no idea what we are talking about in that last sentence.
*Bill and Emma will do a Redneck Inspired Samba because nothing would be more amusing, and we need some good laughs – something we didn’t get with the over-propped Bill Nye/Tyne dances. Emma gets it. We get it. Bill gets it. It’s about learning to dance, doing your best, and trying to win if you can but having loads of fun along the way. Here is another couple we would love to see in the finals, and we would love to watch them soccer kick a couple of the ringers out of the way on their journey to the mirror ball. Our prediction is whatever they do, it will be by far the most entertaining dance of the night.
*Karina and Corbin will score a 10 (not three of them, just one) and we will still be annoyed because he’s a super-ringer, but at least he’s fun and likable and interesting as opposed to some who are…not. We also predict that Karina will throw in much more technical difficulty than is necessary in Week 4 (much as she has done Weeks 1-3) because she thinks Corbin can do it. The problem with that is this: Where do you go from there? We say Karina should pull back a little on the choreography and save it for the next couple of weeks. Corbin isn’t doing anywhere – unless things get boring.
*At least 3 pros (probably male) will appear in see-through silk shirts, and not one of them will be Tristan MacManus.
*Cheryl and Jack will do the Quickstep but it will be a forgettable Quickstep. Week 1, they were fun and memorable, but since then they have become kind of bland. We love this pairing, but we’re not sure how the appeal is going to increase in a season with big personalities like Valerie, Snooki, Bill, Corbin, Amber, etc. We do like them though, and we wouldn’t complain for one single second if they made it into the finals with a bunch of non-ringers. Not likely, but we wouldn’t complain. Bet you never thought you would hear us say that, did you?
*With Valerie and Tristan there are two possible scenarios: Valerie is the cougar and they dance a Mrs. Robinson inspired Waltz with Tristan as the young stud. Unlikely. Why? The Mrs. Robinson inspired thing is unlikely because she thinks of him as her grandson. Option 2: They pull out all the stops and do a smackdown, Tristan-style, which is necessary because of all of the people out there who think it’s Valerie’s time to leave the show. No offense, people, but it will never be Valerie’s time to leave the show. Tristan’s either. How else will you overcome the massive fan base that is Tristan MacManus? And the even bigger fan base that is Valerie Harper? Pshaw. We say they are going to be around a while. That’s our prediction. Another prediction. Mary Tyler Moore and Cloris Leachman will be in the audience – if not this week, then next week. It’s time to up the stakes, ABC. Show them the legends instead of the Osbournes.