We (SWAT and Shakes) always feel that it's best to be prepared for any and every occasion, and the fundraiser on January 26 is no exception. Being that we've been on so many road trips together (all within the confines of very strange imaginations, of course), we think we know a thing or two about what it will take to not only enhance this little event – but survive it. We also knew that we needed to get a blog out for this week and what better way for us to spout off some nonsense and give everyone advice than by going with the first thing that popped into our heads?
So, without wasting any more time, we give you the January 26, 2013 Princeton Fundraiser Survival Kit.
1. A snow shovel. Well, it is January, and it is Princeton, and not to be a downer but crap happens and sometimes it snows in Jersey. It also snows in Kentucky and South Carolina in January but at least in Jersey we have plenty of snow plows and salt. A shovel will come in handy when Shakes recruits you to shovel her driveway. Next:
2. We hesitate to use the word “spanx” and in fact, we know for a fact that not a single person who posts on this site even knows that that word means. So let’s move on. Bridget Jones put it best when she said to her hunky beau Mark Darcy... (yes, we are still fighting over Colin Firth and Darcy in all his forms; SWAT says Mark needs a “younger woman” while Shakes swears that Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice is her destiny – and she’s almost as old as the book, but we digress)…Bridget Jones put it best to her hunky beau Mark Darcy when she said that she didn’t want Mark D to see her wobbly bits. Forget that the lovely – and misunderstood – Mark D said he had a high regard for her wobbly bits. We just aren’t willing to take the chance. If you don’t want the Tristanator to see some wobbly bits or the hint of them, then proper industrial strength garments are the way to go.
3. Green and White MacManiac Soccer Jerseys - These stylish soccer jerseys have green sequined letters and have everyone's MML username on the back so Tristan can identify you (and perhaps choose to hide from- cough- SWAT ). But then we remembered he wouldn’t know a Ripley from a Patty or an Out of Tea from a SWAT/Shakes hybrid so the point is that the names are strictly for ornamental purposes. The number on the jersey comes from the number of times each of us has wiped out trying to do the Samba in our living rooms. Shakes' number on her Jersey is 3, SWAT's is 15. Rumor has it that Teal Ribbon once injured her knee just walking to her living room so we’re still figuring out her jersey number. Should it be 0 or should it be 912? We’re not sure.
4.. Kaopectate- Do we really need to explain here? Let's just say the shock and awe of seeing The Irish Love Doctor in the flesh may make us all do something quite unladylike. Yes, it’s probably TMI, but this item is a necessary item and a necessary precaution for such a prestigious event.
5. Green Sharpie - What else would you want Tristan to use when he signs your favorite items? Besides, he will actually hold your very own green sharpie in his hand – just in case you get all fangirly and crazy. Not that this could ever happen, of course, but you need to be prepared. So you want a green sharpie and forget yours? No problem, SWAT will be selling ‘em for the low, low price of $19.95. Okay, maybe that’s tacky. Bring your own or we’ll give you one.
6. An English Dictionary - This is just in case you forget to speak how to speak your native language when you finally get to talk to Tristan. While eloquent, the “uh, uh, blaa, uh, duh, muh…..” sentence is sometimes difficult to comprehend and Tristan might have enough trouble with Shakes’ constant use of y’all and that moment when SWAT looks him dead in the eyes and says, “Bless your pea pickin’ heart.” You will need that dictionary. Trust us.
7. Hot Flash Medication – No explanation needed.
8. "I Survived MacCon 2013" Irish Farmer Caps are must haves to have once you leave MacCon, and these items are a true status symbol. Not only does it show that you attended the event and lived to tell about it – yes, all that high class mingling and autographing can take its toll - but it also helps pay homage to Tristan's roots, and let's face it, we'd love to take those home and have our husbands/boyfriends/golden retrievers wear them. Or maybe not. That’s a stupid idea. We don’t even know what an Irish farmer cap is.
9. A bib. Drooling isn’t ladylike and you don’t wanna be drooling all over your new cashmere sweater – or your black sweater from Target – so protective coverings are necessary.
10. Oxygen tank. Because somebody is going to forget to breathe and pass out. It’ll probably be SWAT because Shakes is too sane and level-headed for such nonsense. Or so she says.
11. Godiva Chocolate and Starbucks Coffee. Tristan MacManus or not, these are basic food groups and without ‘em, Shakes will expire. That means croak. Then SWAT would have to pick her up and haul her home and then she’d throw her back out and have to go to the hospital and Ripley would have to go along to make sure neither of them gets into trouble and then Ripley might get lost and end up going to the airport with one of our world travelers and she might never find her way back to Pennsylvania. So we’re better off making sure the Godivas and Starbucks are present and accounted for. Just to be on the safe side.
So there you have it. Everything you need to make January 26, 2013 an event to remember.
Oh yeah. We’ll make all this up to you, we promise. We have lots of great prizes to give away to y’all and not one of them starts with spanx or kaopectate.
See y'all in Princeton. Bless your pea pickin' hearts....