Season 16 came and went, and it seemed like it took about three years to do just that. It was only ten weeks? No kidding. Anyway, we put together our awards for the season. You will notice that we have all new categories this time around so there are no repeat winners. Here we go.
The Choreographer of the Year Award – Tristan MacManus - Whodathunk it? Yeah, most people would say Derek should win it because of the Contemporary he choreographed for Kellie’s Freestyle. Yes, that was an amazing dance, but it wouldn’t have been near as amazing without the “Titanic” move which no other person could ever possibly do (see the “Whoa I Wish I Was That Flexible Award”) so we give this one to the Irishman for two reasons: 1) the Contemporary for Dorothy was simple and exquisite, and it told a story better than other story told this season 2) the finale dance incorporated elements of Samba, Foxtrot, Rumba, Contemporary and the Macarena (or something) into a Viennese Waltz with flawless transitions. Had Tristan been dancing it would have been a slam dunk for best dance ever.
The Whoa I Wish I Was That Flexible Award – to Kellie Pickler because no human is able to do that Titanic move that she did in the Contemporary Freestyle. Sure some people would say that Derek’s brilliant choreography won it; we contend that Kellie is just a damn good dancer with a very lithe and flexible body. Guess what people? You just can’t teach that stuff.
The Clairol Award – to all the dark roots showing in all the blonde females on DWTS.
The We Gotta Go With Tristan On This One Award – Spray tans are so overused, overrated, and over-oranged that we vote that they should be outlawed. We will take the pale, porcelain china look (or the pasty white look if you’re not feeling poetic) over that shiny orange slop that seems to cover all of ‘em (with one notable exception).
The It’s Ballroom Dance So Put Those Heels On Award – to Zendaya who for the last few weeks seemed to decide that it was perfectly fine to wear flat shoes. Uh, nope. It’s not okay. Play by the rules, Sweetie.
The You Should Take Over For Brooke Burke Award – to Andy Dick who kind of became our sweetheart this season. He’s funny, thinks on his feet, and would never ask stupid questions that make you break the remote control every week because of excessive use of the mute button.
The We Never Saw That One Coming Award – to Andy Dick who is a stud. Really. He made us want to go on a date with him because he was in this for the right reasons, took it seriously, and was funnier than any human has a right to be.
The What Was He Thinking Award – to Tony Dovolani and his bad costuming decisions for a beautiful woman. His bad prop decisions for a lady who is a country music legend didn’t help either. It didn’t work.
The Doggy Is Not an Accessory and Sasha Farber is Too Talented to Be Dog-Sitting Award – to Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko, What were they thinking?
The Coolest Foxtrot in a Long Time Award – to Lisa Vanderpump who danced a cheeky little dance with Len in the finale. That was fun.
The No Way Was That One Of the Top 5 Freestyles in DWTS History Award – to DWTS Wetpaint for putting Val/Zendaya in the three spot all time. Really? For that? It was a little sloppy, a little immature, and a lot forgettable. It was fine. It wasn't perfect. And we had to go back and watch it to come up with this.
The Honorary Kelly Clarkson Catch My Breath Award - Okay so this has nothing to do with Kelly Clarkson. We just feel ourselves starting to sing "Catch My Breath" when we see Tristan doing that damned Paso Trio.
The Are You Doing Endorsements For Nike Award- To Zendaya because she wore sneakers throughout half of the season's dances. There is no other possible explanation.
The Neon Flamingo Award - Goes to those wild and crazy guys,Tristan and Shawn, for their interesting choice in workout apparel. We just thought that neon pink t-shirts were for eight year old eighties girls but apparently times have changed and now the men of DWTS are working it. Or at least Tristan was working it.
The Straightjacket Award - Nope, this has nothing to do with Tristan and Season 13's Team Dance. This award goes to our very own snarky judge, Len Goodman. After his scathing comments about that marvelous, dramatic, and amazing Trio Paso we are certain that this was just the first step to Len landing himself in the loony bin. He will occasionally be joined by the other two. We don’t need to name them.
The Warm Fuzzy Award - Every season we have that one moment where you just smile and get that warm fuzzy feeling. This award goes to Kristi Yamaguchi for surprising us by dancing along her skating idol, Dorothy Hamill during the finale. What a lovely surprise for the lights to come up and see her standing there with that killer smile. It definitely made us all forget for a moment all of the crazy crap that happened this season.
The Okay, We Admit It...Sometimes You're Awesome Award - To Derek, who normally makes us cringe and scratch our heads when we watch his over the top choreography. This season we were actually impressed with his restraint, and during Trio week we were downright proud of how he showcased not only Kellie, but Tristan as well. His freestyle concept was perfect to show everybody why Kellie deserved to be the champion, and for the first time in like ever, the best dancer won the competition.
The Duct Tape Fashion Collection Award - Goes to Val....and also Maks. After reading their tweets in previous seasons as well as this one, we feel that it's necessary for them to put some duct tape over their mouths because they don't know how to be tactful, use a bit of restraint or when to shut up. It continued all this week before, during, and after the finale so we’ve ordered a variety of duct tape in various sizes and fashionable colors to coordinate with every wardrobe choice.
The Bad Bad Bad Bad Boys, You Make Me Feel So Good Award goes to the true bad boy of Season 16. Gloria Estefan said it best. Bad boys really do make us feel so good sometimes. Mr. Irish Dark Contacts gave us all a little high pitched "Woo Hoo" moment when he stalked onto the dance floor during the Trio Paso.
The What Was Your Name Again Award? – to Gleb Savchenko. Now that is one pretty man (really pretty if you want to get technical about it), but it took us half the season to remember his name….and we still can’t remember any of his dances.
The Mall Cops Award - To, sigh, Tony....whhhhhyyyyy? We know you were trying to give the lowly mall cop a new coolness by choreographing a Quickstep starring you and the amazing Wynonna Judd. We could hear mall cops all over the country grunting in embarrassment as soon as you two rolled onto the dance floor on your matching Segways, scooters, snowmobiles, whatever they were.
The Uncomfortable Irony Award - To Sean Lowe. So we all know that Sean got engaged on the Bachelor. But does anyone else think it's kinda weird and slightly ironic that he and Peta danced an oddball Tango to Katy Perry's "Hot and Cold"? In the end Sean left Peta at the altar...yeah...let's hope that in real life he doesn't do the same thing.
The Get The Shovel Out Because Nobody Should Have To Put Up With That Crap Award – to D.L. Hughley who got it put to him week after week by the judges. They were spewing so much….well….crap that he needed a shovel to dig out of it.
The Dude, You Should Be a Pro Award – to Sasha Farba who, turned on the charm, charisma, and smokin’ hot chemistry in the finale dance with Kristi (and Henry and Dorothy). They were all great, but Sasha? The sincerity, the delight, the form, and the Rumba hips….well, we’re sold. Make the man a Pro.
The We Can’t Tell Who is Who Award – Lindsay/Whitney/Oksana/Emma/Peta/Chelsie/another blonde who danced a couple of times. No explanation needed.
The Standout Troupe Person Who Has Great Legs Too – That would be Emma who this season showed us why she is now the one we want to see dance every week. And we're jealous that our legs don't look like that.
The Mass Confusion On the Dance Floor Award – to DWTS for causing mass confusion on the dance floor with the pro/troupe dances. We wanted to slow it down so we could see who we wanted to see and not see who we didn’t want to see. We didn't really tune in to the show to see a flash mob but that's what it seemed like.
The That’s Some Serious Déjà vu Award – to the Season Finale – What’s with the repeat crap? These people were bragging all week about how many dances they were in and most of the dances seemed like reruns – the season opener came back. The Girls of Season 16 came back but with 3 new additions….and they are supposed to be able to learn a dance in a short time.
The Tacky, Tacky, Tacky Award - To the producers for having Aly dance in the Girls of Season 16 dance in the finale right after she was eliminated. The girl looked miserable, and we can't blame her. That was just stupid.
The Bedhead Is Back Award – Who else?