It’s a showdown. It’s the battle of the hips, the war of the bedhead, the skirmish involving the hotness factor, and ultimately who scored more points in the SWAT/SHAKES Seduction Scale or the S³ Scale as it is commonly known in scientific and mathematical circles.
For a detailed explanation of these characters, you might have to refer back to previous blogs. For all of you new site members who aren’t familiar with our special brand of craziness, we sometimes name the characters that Tristan manages to create through his choreography and performance. The names are a bit offbeat, somewhat oddball, and a whole lot reflective of our own wacky senses of humor. Enjoy the showdown!
The Cha Cha: Bentley Bummtapper vs. Rascal MacPip
This is one of those showdowns in DWTS history in which we think it is going to be virtually impossible to choose a victor. Both have the capability of pushing the hotness factor incredibly high on the Richter Scale (the Richter Scale became involved when it became necessary to determine which character made the earth move for more women). First you have the Sexy Suspenders vs. Sexy Vest debate, which is a huge part of the deciding factor here because both Bentley (Season 13) and Rascal (Season 14) can seduce the pants off of almost any woman in the world. Both characters are smooth, sexy, and ooze charisma. Rascal has confidence in spades. Bentley was your adorable charmer who was kind of “green” in the Romance Department, but made up for it when taking the escalator straight up to the Fun Department. Rascal is a brilliant, confident dancer that makes the lady feel special, while Bentley is that sweet and endearing nephew at the wedding reception trying to charm every lady within a thousand miles. And he does it. Ultimately, it all comes down to suspenders vs. vest to decide the Cha Cha Champ. Both the suspenders and the vest will go down in history and probably end up in the Smithsonian. Both gave us naughty thoughts. This contest was so close that we almost wimped out and called it a tie, but alas the “fake boyfriend suspenders” (thanks to Gina Carbone of DWTS Wetpaint for that one), win by a nose. Our winner in the Cha Cha Round is none other than Bentley Bumtapper from Season 13. Why? Because no man before or since has rocked a pair of suspenders like Bentley.
The Quickstep: T. Quick Macfeet vs. The Sexy Charmer (aka “You had me at hello”)
Honestly, for us the quickstep is one of those dances that we don’t think too much about. Not too many people exclaim “Oh I'd just love to see Tristan and Shakes’s quickstep again!” [Disclaimer: Shakes hijacked this one and rudely put her own name in it when SWAT wasn’t looking]. Even though T. Quick and Nancy got their first 8 in the quickstep, there was still a bit of trouble in paradise. There were problems in rehearsals as well as with the rumored wardrobe malfunction. Frankly, the quickstep wasn't very kind to T.S.C. (The Sexy Charmer) and the lovely Gladys in Season 14 either. The judges failed to see the brilliance in the choreography and the duo were given their lowest scores of the season, and that kind of put a damper on everything. This is where we must dig deeper into Tristan's characters for this dance. T. Quick is a budding optimist, and wins the “Supportive Partner of the Year” award. Not only was he the perfect partner for Nancy, but he also guided her through a solid quickstep which as we all know is very hard to do. T.S.C. however went a little rogue on his dance with Gladys -first with the song choice. Remember that T.Quick went for the traditional “It Don’t Mean A Thing If You Ain’t Got That Swing” while T.S,C. chose a slowed down quickstep to “Sir Duke.” In some ways, the song choice mucked up the flow of the Season 14 dance, but there was redemption. We’re not a big fan of props in any capacity on the show, but it was pretty cool that T.S.C. and his lovely partner got to glide across a hologram of a giant grand piano on the floor. What sealed the deal was the absolutely brilliant costume choice. White tie and tails (or in this case, the palest of pink tie and tails) was a perfect choice, and the blue lining to the tails was pure genius. In addition, Gladys's multi-colored frock was one that will be remembered for many seasons to come. The brown/bronze/golden whatever stuff from Season 13 just pales in comparison. It was okay, but it wasn’t knock-your-socks-off stunning. Therefore, for the brilliance in costume and the absolutely ballsy move of choosing “Sir Duke” for a Quickstep, this round goes to The Sexy Charmer from Season 14.
Rumba: J.D. Swivelhips vs. Clark MacKent
Okay, ladies, you know these two get your hormones surging and your pulse racing. These delicious morsels (yes, we are objectifying) are as different as night and day, but we would bet big money that the vast majority of MacManiacs let out gigantic sighs of crazy girl bliss when we got an eyeful of both J.D. Swivelhips and Clark MacKent. The obvious difference here between the two is that one is a self proclaimed bad boy, and the other is a superhero in disguise who is trying to be just a regular nice guy. Now it all comes down to personal preference. Some girls like that guy who wants you one minute, and then winks at another girl the next. Others want that sexy man who can save the world, take you on a nice date, but then is kind of MIA at the worst times because he's busy saving the world (or probably working behind the counter at Macy’s). Both are great dressers, and they come from different fashion eras. While J.D. is busy channeling his inner James Dean, Clark is busy trying to be the next Buddy Holly. Both have some serious hip action and know how to glide the lady across the dance floor, so they are equal in that department. The deal breaker for me [SWAT], however, is that even though J.D. Swivelhips makes us want to jump on his Harley and ride off into the sunset, the sexy truth is that Clark really knows how to treat his lady right and with the utmost respect. You'd never catch Clark making eyes at another girl. He only has eyes for his girl, and THAT...is the dealbreaker here. Winner: Clark MacKent.
Disagreement: I [Shakes] loved Clark and his wooing of the lady, but for me it was the bad boy himself who brought it home and got the hormonal level surging into the danger zone. He was flirty, he was sexy, and he had the swivelhips to beat all swivelhips. He may have winked at another girl and even looked at things he had no business looking at, but he was the bad boy every girl wants, and the bottom line is that he upped the seduction in a big way to convince his lady love to take him back. Besides any guy who can wear magenta or fuchsia and still look like a stud gets huge bonus points. The hips just don’t lie, and J.D.’s hips had a whole story to tell. In fact, I am working on a novel about just that…..
The Foxtrot: Sir Tristan of the Sand vs. Archie/Dilbert
We want to say that this one is going to be a hard sell, but let's be real. It's a hotter than hell, funny, sexy, charming knight who can sweep a woman off of her feet and keep her smiling. Then there's Archie/Dilbert with the bad haircut (obviously done by Mom when she put a bowl on his head and started cutting). For those of you who missed it, Archie is SWAT’s pet name for the Foxtrot king of Season 14. Shakes chose to call him Dilbert because she thought he was a cute dork. Both characters pleasantly surprised us with their savvy demeanor and great foxtrot moves. Both are complete gentleman and do their best to make the lovely lady smile. Even the judges seemed to be rooting for Archie and Dilbert, but we refuse to ignore the obvious. Sir Tristan from Spamalot was just delicious. He made us laugh and had a sense of humor that couldn't be beat. After Nancy kissed him, he fell and fell hard – literally and figuratively. And so did we. The winner, hands down, is our glorious, most amazingly sexy Sir Tristan of the Sand (also known as Sir Seducesalot.)
The Jive: The Devil Who Went Dancin’ vs. Mygoldspatslookbetterthanyourspats vs. Sexy Pants
This is where things get interesting. We have the crazy Mephistopheles who was the scariest dude in town and probably still is. Look at those eyes. Looks at the black fingernail polish – something SWAT and Shakes will never, ever agree on as being sexy. Then there was the music. Everything was so off the wall, yet so brilliantly executed that we can’t even rule out the Devil Who Went Dancin’ as potentially winning this three way battle for the jive character who reeled us in. Second on our list and sexier than sin was the man we call Mygoldspatslookbetterthanyourspats. Right off the bat, we noticed that he should be the spokesman for Spats ‘R Us. Nobody in the history of time every looked better in them. The black shirt, black pants, and carelessly loosened gold bow tie were equally hot, but it was the flicks and kicks that wowed us. This man can move. And then we get to Sexy Pants who did the Dance Duel to beat all Dance Duels to “Don’t Stop Me Now”, and yeah, we admit it, we weren’t about to stop him from anything. The black shirt and pants were perfect and the black dress for Gladys was marvelous, unexpected, and sexy. Who knew a jive could be sexy? Sexy Pants knew that he needed to go for understated with an edge. This edgy performance was a true Jive that was full of all kinds of sizzle. Sexy Pants had that cool confidence that shows that he's serious but also interested in having a real good time. And even though the Dance Duel had to have been rigged (because a true jive with all the requisite steps should win every time), Mr. Sexy Pants is a real winner with us and wins this round.
Tango: 0014 vs. S.J. Ladykiller vs. Badass Rocker Dude
For those of you who missed it the first time around, we called our Tango king from Season 13 (remember “The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane”?) 0014 for one reason and one reason only: He deserved to be called 0014 because he was twice as hot, twice as sexy, and twice as everything else as 007. He was smooth, seductive, and did we say smooth? He filled out a tux like nobody’s business too. Then we have the Badass Rocker Dude from Season 14 who brought back the Devil’s makeup and nail polish from the Season 13 jive (“The Devil Went Down To Georgia”). We also have S.J. Ladykiller (Striaght Jacket Ladykiller) who did an entire tango from the barred walls of the loony bin. Sure he is completely off of his rocker, and it looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks from all of that tangoing in his cell, but he can dance like no one else, and the fact that it was a woman that drove him to the brink shows that he has a sensitive side to him (before he decided to pull a Boo Radly moment on us). The problem is that with S. J. you get the feeling that he will eventually go a little Fatal Attraction on you in real life. Finally, we have Badass Rocker Dude from Season 14 - bad hair, bad makeup, bad nail polish, and Holy Moley, he was hotter than you know what in the midst of all the badness. He was sexy, he and the lady were naughty equals, and they owned the dance floor that they created by shoving the furniture out of the way at the corner tequila bar to make room to dance to "Bohemian Rhapsody." After the dance at the bar, they probably went next door to get matching tattoos.
It was difficult to pick a winner from these 3 amazing Hot Tamales, but we finally reached a decision. Even though we’re giving S. J. and Badass Rocker Dude credit for some very creative choreography and attitude, we're going to save the lives of our pet bunnies from the Fatal Attractionesque S.J. LadyKiller and from the tattoos and piercings that go hand in hand with BARD (Badass Rocker Dude) and go for 0014 as the winner. Why? It is because of that move where he ran his hand up the lady’s leg that sealed the deal and led to a big fat hormonal surge. 0014 knows all about women, knows how to get a woman, how to tame a woman, and isn't afraid to play some sexy cat and mouse game to get his woman. The fact that he sat back and drank his double martini....stirred, and not shaken (because remember, he can handle more than that fluffy 007 guy) while stalking his prey with his eyes before going in for the seduction gives us all goose bumps. He definitely knows how to use “the look”. Yes 0014 is the winner here, and that's because he could take us over with a look and a hand run up the leg. Yeah...it wouldn't take much.
So let's give everyone the final tally here: Season13 Winners: 0014 (Tango), Bently Bumtapper (Cha Cha), and Sir Tristan (Foxtrot). Season 14 winners: The Sexy Charmer (Quickstep), and Mr. Sexy Pants (Jive). It's a tie between JD. Swivelhips and Clark MacKent in the Rumba because we can’t agree on who is sexier, hotter, more drool worthy, or just more everything.
Conclusion: We just can’t get over the multi-dimensional characters from Season 13, and these are only just a few. Season 14 characters brought us huge quantities of sexy. Whichever way you look at it, Tristan is an amazing choreographer who can create a story from any dance, to any music, and make any partner that he has look good.
Oh yeah. Tristan looks pretty good too. We are the official winners of the SWAT and Shakes Shallowness Award, in case you were wondering.