[SHAKESPEARE] My grandmother always taught me to behave properly. She said something about never putting my elbows on the table, and never wearing white shoes after Labor Day, and she would remind me to always, always act like a lady. I’m fairly sure that I live by those creeds. Maybe. Sort of. Sometimes. And I may or may not make history, but I’ll at least have a whale of a good time.
I’ve been a grown-up (kind of) for a while, and I really do know how to behave. Honestly I do, but there is something about Tristan MacManus that brings out the best in me – or maybe it’s the worst - I’m not sure, but regardless, I’m blaming Tristan. It’s all his fault, no doubt about it. I figured this all out, oh, about 8 seconds into the Cha Cha.
He makes me misbehave just as it’s his fault that I ended up setting up way too many voting accounts over on ABC, voted half the night (or all night) every Monday, put up with ridiculous numbers of equally misbehaving women in my home every Monday just to make them vote for Tristan and Nancy, and then I posted nonsense all over the ABC message board before moving over here and posting more nonsense. The burning question is: What exactly makes us misbehave? Let's just say that I have some theories. Which of these could it be?
*The Snuffleupagus eyelashes?
*The slightly crooked grin that he showed us so often during Season 12?
*The ladykiller “come at me, sweetheart” smile that made us all go into recurring epidemics of Thud-itis?
*The sexier-than sin Irish brogue that would be sexy even if he said, “Hey, Shakes, bring me the Doritos, would ya?”
*The incredible good looks, charm, wit, magnetism, talent, etc. etc.?
*The gorgeous body? Nah, I'm not that shallow [*cough cough*]
It is all of these things that send us right to the dungeon for time-outs, to the gutter to commiserate with others about our perhaps ‘impure thoughts’, or to the MML forum to blither on and on and on about how wonderful Tristan is. Too much? Nope. Why, you ask? Because Tristan deserves it all. He deserves the accolades, the attention, and yes, even the devotion of a bunch of misbehaving women. He deserves it because he is gorgeous, talented, charismatic, and charming, so ultimately, all this misbehavior can be traced directly back to him. So, yeah, it is all his fault.
When one 90 second dance makes a grown woman (married and with a bunch of kids) go all oooey-gooey, become tongue tied without managing to speak anything remotely articulate, and practically count the seconds until the next pro dance with a Tristan sighting, then the blame can be traced directly back to the source. Tristan – the Reluctant Heartthrob – MacManus. Why? Because of all that good stuff going on: his gorgeous self, his looks into the camera (which incidentally I’m positive are directed at me exclusively so back off, ladies), his perfect, pure moves, and his wicked, wicked sense of humor – all of which directly caused the following reactions to his dances:
*We swooned and went “awwww” during the Cha-Cha (and applauded the cameraman for his brilliant work)
*We gasped at his precision in the Quickstep.
*We sighed at the beauty and elegance of the Slow Waltz.
*We had to pop our eyeballs back into our head after the Paso – or “Bare Chest-Gate” (still recovering from that one).
*We yearned for the sexy, bad boy who knew how to wink, flirt, sway, and Rumba and not-so-secretly wished for him to wink, flirt, sway, and Rumba to and with us
*We beamed at the silly antics of Sir Tristan’s Foxtrot and smiled our best toothy grins as The Boss (move over Bruce Springsteen) owned the Broadway Group Dance
*We loved the theatrics of our heavily-made up Mephistopheles, who somehow managed the Miracle of All Jives and then teased us with his talent in the Tango – as he laid the foundation for another passionate Tango the following week.
*We drooled over our own James Bond as he pursued the bad girl, and we adored his energy and passion as he flicked and kicked and wowed the audience in the instant jive.
*Of course, we almost lost consciousness as the Sexiest Man Alive (apparently People Magazine didn’t get the memo) seduced, pursued, and won Kym in “Mr. Know It All”, and we almost jumped through our tv screen when he underwent another magical transformation in the Cobra Starship performance.
And this, my friends, doesn’t even include the pro group dances and all of the magnificent troupe dances that showcased Tristan in Season 12 – performances which made us all lose any attempt at maintaining common sense or reason.
So it seems obvious. It’s Tristan’s fault that we aren’t always well-behaved. It is inevitable, but I don’t mind one bit because the way I see it, Tristan is going to make DWTS history, and the naughty MacManiacs are just as much a part of that history as the Naughty Lady of Shady Lane. After all, according to Nancy, Tristan is "the best choreographer in the world" and "the best dancer in the world," and that means some wonderful history will be made. See y’all in the gutter and the dungeon.
[SWAT] I'm just gonna come out and say it. It's all Tristan's fault. So what if we as humans have free will and can supposedly control our own actions? When it comes to Tristan MacManus, all universal truths go straight out the universal window. Anyone who disagrees with me obviously has never been a MacManiac. Tristan makes even the most normal of us all turn into a drooling lusty wenches. I am going to even suggest that Tristan send his decorator over to the dungeon to spruce it up a bit for us. (And since he probably doesn’t have a decorator, he can come over himself to help out). We all have been spending copious amounts of time there in the past few weeks and our numbers have grown so much in the dungeon that we've even had blueprints drawn to include an elevator, swimming pool and fully-lit disco floor in the manner of Saturday Night Fever. Once these upgrades to the dungeon are complete, I fully intend on sending Tristan the bill. Why? Because it's his fault, of course.
If it sounds like I'm upset with Tristan for flinging all of us into fits of silliness every time we talk about him, then it's quite the contrary. Being a MacManiac rocks! Never have I ever had so much fun just sitting at my computer and bonding with other lusty wenches who all are in the same green sparkly boat as me. We can all row in unison together while keeping the beat to "Always look on the bright side of life". It just means that we'll get across the pond faster.
Yes, we are a rare breed, but we are also unwavering in our support for Tristan. We are calculated and focused, and we have no problem going to great lengths to make sure Tristan wins the Sexiest Male Pro poll, the Favorite Male Pro poll, the Male Pro With The Best Chest poll, etc., and we don’t stop until Tristan owns the titles. We know what is what, how to get the job done, and how to get results. Oh yeah. We also function as a team. That is a big deal.
We tend to babble endlessly about Tristan's sexy boyfriend suspenders or giggle like fangirls (only sometimes) when we see him in a new video, but again, that's not our fault. Tristan is just so simply delectable and irresistible that he makes us this way. We are a little bit harmlessly crazy while also being giddy and blushingly obvious in our desire to hear a little more of his Irish Bogue.
I have no idea what I just said just now...but I think that's how we all feel sometimes when it comes to Tristan. It takes a strong woman to be a MacManiac...and it's all his fault, for getting us there.
[Shakespeare] – Disclaimer: SWAT wrote that while having a temperature of 103 but it was so darned bizarre and amusing that I left it alone – except for the stuff that made no sense whatsoever. The green sparkly boat concerned me and the fact that she didn’t mention the chest was almost worth an intervention, but I figured since I mentioned it in my portion, I was sort of helping her out. It's that whole teamwork thing again.