We couldn’t figure out what to call these amazing awards, and it took forever to get it right. Just so you can get a general idea of how our minds work, we started with a general concept and then worked through it slowly and methodically – using the Scientific Method (or not). Here are some of our ideas for the title of the awards that could only be given out when the season is 67% complete.
First Annual Really Trite Awards
First Annual Really Tired Awards
First Annual Rockin' Team Awards
First Annual Really Talented Awards
Famous Asses Really Talk Awards
Feisty And Really Trite Awards
Fickle and Really Trite Awards
Feisty and Ridiculously Trite Awards
First Annual Random and Trite Awards
We finally settled on the completely appropriate “First Annual Ridiculously Trite” Awards, or the F.A.R.T. Awards. Seems fitting somehow.
Best Use of a Pro by Another Pro – This goes to Mark Ballas who for once showed amazingly good sense when casting the red-hot Irish dancing dude to participate in one of the dumbest concept dances ever. For the 20 seconds that Tristan will be dancing, we will anoint you, Mark Ballas, as the smartest man on earth.
Dumbest Season 14 Twist – It’s a toss-up between the Dance Duel, Dance Marathon, Trio Dances or random b.s. scoring. So basically every twist they had was stupid, mind-numbing, and manipulative. Yuck.
Best Costume of the Season (Female) - Gladys Knight – She was a vision in a perfect collaboration of different shades of blue – cerulean, aqua, turquoise, cobalt, azure – for the quickstep. It doesn’t get any better than that. As Buddy TV said, “This may be the most incredible fabric ever featured on Dancing with the Stars. Perfect colors for Gladys and a style that suited. Basically, this dress bordered on breathtaking." Guess what? Gladys, the dress was breathtaking, and so were you. The dude by your side was kind of interesting too.
Best Costume of the Season (Male) – Tristan MacManus – another vision in blue with a bow tie in the palest of pink. The blue lining of the tails was both shocking and striking and made me (Shakes) think of sapphires, and the eyes made me think of diamonds. SWAT thought it was a hard sell the first time she saw it, but she's since then seen the error in her own fashion sense and has finally come around. We both love it!
Worst Costume (s) of the Season (Female)- We are going to go with Peta on this one. Most of her dresses were more half dresses than full ones. Essentially we think that she just doesn’t wear enough clothing to begin with, and the half dresses that she's been wearing leave little to the imagination. Hey, DWTS Costume people? Sometimes more really is more. And sometimes less is just trashy. And sometimes, all this baring of skin just becomes too much, and we leave the room to go to the kitchen for ice cream (more on that later).
Worst Costume of the Season (Male) – Hands down, this one goes to Mark Ballas and that disastrous brown without a shirt mess during classical week for the Rumba. This unappealing Game of Thrones meets Spartacus Roman guard with no shirt getup was horrifying. And then it was more comic book stupid. As for the aforementioned reasons why we chose our Worst Female Costume, the same goes for the men too. Unless your name is Tristan MacManus, keep your shirt on. A close second was Donald Driver’s shirtless “trying to make a point but we don’t know what it is” costume for the Paso. It was pointless, meaningless, and not all that appealing. We love Donald, but that didn’t do anything for either of us.
The Honorary Will This Season Ever End Award - If we have to watch Maria Menounous hobble into another TV appearance, photo session, rehearsal, or interview, then we are going to stick a fork in our eyeballs. Please put Maria out of her misery.
The Backflip Award – Sasha Farber – I'm sure Derek will eventually try to take this title away from him, but Sasha (who is a multiple award recipient during this 67% of a season) is the current winner. The alternative title for this award is the “Do We Really Have to See Another One” Award.
Are You Kidding Me Award? (also called Please Do Not Ever Do That Again Award)– This came during Operation Big Bird when Derek decided to rip off his yellow Big Bird shirt during his Samba with Maria. It was Derek showboating, and he really wasn’t doing a good job of convincing us that we wanted to see him shirtless...again...like last season...and the season before that... In case you didn’t hear it the first 36 times, Derek. We. Do. Not. Want. To. See. That. Ever. Again.
Worst Judging Fiasco of the Season – No contest. The Three “We Are Totally Clueless” Trio who missed the boat entirely during Week 6 when they decided to underscore, disrespect, and be downright nasty with both the individual dance, the Marathon Dance, and the Dance Duel. The scoring was wrong in all three so we all call this the “Did Y’all Get Any Last Night?” Award, because somebody had some cranky pants going on.
It Made Us Forget Season 13 DAD - The Tristan and Gladys Samba. First, it was the Samba. Second, it was the Samba. Third, it was the Samba. Hip action. Lots and lots of it. Blah blah blah, more hips....SAMBA! Need I say more?
I Need A Doctor, STAT Award aka The Pity Me Award – 1) Derek and Maria – every body part imaginable except the left pinky finger 2) Maks and Melissa – her back, her head, his foot, his foot again, yawn. 3) Derek and Maria again – more body parts injured, broke a fingernail, cut himself shaving, etc.
The Chemistry Experiment That Went Horribly Wrong Award - Gavin and Karina for their tropical bird dates Edgar Alan Poe costume from Rock Week. Aargh. That was a mess, and not even a hot mess. Just a big old stinking mess.
Imminent Wardrobe Malfunction Award – Cheryl Burke. I am not quite sure how her equipment remained fully enclosed in fabric in that white mess of a dress she was wearing during classical week for the Viennese Waltz. We were fervently hoping she didn’t exhale at all for that 90 seconds, otherwise we would be seeing the goods.
The Dingleberry Award - Goes to the worst use of an aerial lift – Maks and Melissa. Oh good grief. Talk about overkill. Lift after lift after lift after lift and they didn’t fit the dance at all. Then I remembered this was really the DWTS version of Ringing Brothers Barnum & Bailey circus and it all made sense – in a Dingleberry kind of way.
The Stink Eye Award - This goes to the pro or celeb up in the celebriquarium who made the most sour lemon faces while watching their competitors perform. We have to go with Peta on this one. Whether she meant to do it or not, someone needs to teach that girl how to smile. She does it when she gets the tiniest of negativity from the judges, when they are standing and waiting to see if they are in the bottom 2, when she’s watching the others…it reeks of misery, bad sportsmanship, etc. We know she doesn’t mean it like that, but it bugs the hell out of both of us. It’s every time.
Stupidest Pretentious Name For Something Non-Existent – Celebriquarium. Who was the marketing whiz that thought of that one?
The Please Stop the Re-Tweeting Award - Sasha...our dear Sasha...we love you, Babe, but you gotta stop re-tweeting every tweet that you come across. He's about blown up both of our Twitter Feeds, and it’s annoying as the dickens. Enough already. We know you want to be a pro, we know 3 people are tweeting that to ABC 4,000 times a day. We do not need for you to come across as a self-promoting bimbo. Just dance and let the dancing (minus the backflips) do the talking, please.
Cheesiest Rehearsal Field Trip Award - To Roshon, taking a field trip.... to the breakroom.... to learn how to be a man. From William. The problem is that William isn’t the one to ask. The one to ask is the Irish dude.
The Bird Award - Goes to the score for which you want to flip the bird at the judges. Gladys and Tristan's My Girl Rumba. Judges? Consider the bird flipped.
The Sally Field Award or the “You like me, you really like me” Award - This is the whiny baloney crap that I think has to go to Melissa. Aaargh.
The Honorary Nicole Scherzinger Fish Mouth Award – Melissa Gilbert. Nicole taught her how to bring that expression up when the judges are saying you just ain’t perfect.
The Boys Don't Cry Award - Goes to the male celeb who had the worst water works on Personal Stories Week. Jaleel, for his ridiculously overdone cryfest. That isn't going to win you an Emmy or an Oscar or even a part in the second grade version of “The Frog Prince.” Get over yourself.
The Eyeroll Award - To Brooke Burke for assuming that Tristan needs a translator. [Shakes had a bad word here but SWAT made her take it out. Just use your imagination]
The PB&C Ice Cream Award - Goes to the couple who you ignore and go get Peanut Butter Chocolate Ice Cream instead while they are dancing - Melissa and Maks
The Mutant Prop Award - Goes to the most ridiculous prop that unfortunately seemed to take over the dance. It's a toss up from the casino table the size of Monte Carlo or Gavin's gigantic rowboat. Either way, those were huge distractions, and not in a good way.
The Golden F.A.R.T. Award - Goes to the most off-the-wall ridiculous moment in Season 14 history (so far) – When Tristan and Gladys did not win the Dance Duel when there’s was a true jive as opposed to “WEEEEEEE, I’m on the playground and watch me juuuump really really high” jive...
The “I Must Be the 6 Million Dollar Man/Woman because I can still dance with 4 broken legs, 16 broken ribs, and a broken head” Award – Derek and Maria. 'Nuff said.
The I Wish There Was A Wardrobe Malfuntion Award - Yeah, okay, I admit it. You know where this one is going….no explanation needed.
And there you have it. We are professionals and were objective in our comments. The results were tabulated by the accounting firm of Yeah, You Bet, and Whatever You say and are accurate beyond a reasonable doubt.