The Great Sabrina Bryan Debate
Here at the literary offices of Shakes and SWAT we always like to look at the pros and cons, the advantages and disadvantages, and the good and the bad of almost everything. It’s just how we roll. When ABC announced the whole fan vote thing with Sabrina, Carson, and Kyle being the chosen three, our response was a simultaneous, “Uh oh.” Translation: There was no way that anyone but Sabrina was going to win it, and that was pretty much confirmed after the announcement when Carson and Kyle faded away with barely a mention.
We wouldn’t go so far as to call the announcement of Sabrina as the 13th celebrity controversial, but we will say that it was predictable. The media has played up her Season 5 early exit ever since she was booted off, and we are still hearing about it. Frankly, we didn’t even see that exit as a surprise for many reasons, but people just haven’t been willing to let it go, and the frenzy was fed by the small core group of fans (small, because had it been bigger she wouldn’t have been kicked off in the first place) and various blogs and articles insisting that she was robbed. Robbed of what exactly? Do we mind that she’s back? Not at all, but what we do mind is that the network has made such a big to-do of it that it seems like they want us to believe that the All-Star season wouldn’t be complete without her. We like her talent (for a few Latin dances), and we think she’s funny and smart. What we aren’t convinced of is that she is the one celebrity everyone wants back, and this whole revenge/retribution scenario being played up is getting tedious. Enough already.
So we are giving you both sides of the story – why Sabrina should be part of the cast and why she should not be part of the cast. Keep in mind that lots of this isn’t even a reflection of our respective opinions because we both have strong feelings on the subject (and you might be surprised as to what those opinions are). Never fear – we are also throwing in the old “when in doubt, make stuff up” scenario to confuse you even further.
Why Sabrina Bryan should be an All-Star
1.She’s cute, perky, and fun – when she isn’t stunned that she could actually be voted off DWTS. Rewind to Season 5, Week 6 and take a look at Sabrina's expression when the fateful result was announced and then fast forward to Season 13, Week 3 and Kristin Cavallari’s equally “shocking elimination face." Identical expressions of shock. Same partner. A trend here? If Sabrina succeeds this time we won’t have to see the shocking elimination face anymore.
2. She’s a good dancer. She should be a good dancer. She was a dancer before DWTS and any way you play this, that is an advantage – whether it’s Ballroom, Latin, or the Macarena. Before she was on television, she trained at Hart Academy of Dance in California. Regardless, this show is about good dancing (at least sometimes), so what the heck?
3. She has a music background, and it’s always fun to see musical talent on DWTS. Pardon our ignorance, but did the Cheetah Girls sing too? We honestly don’t know. One of us is too old to know and the other one was hooked on Hanson at about the same time. Or maybe she was having kids. We forget.
4. Sabrina is no stranger to performing and even in a competitive setting she should bring a lot to the show. She’s a performer, no question. Just check the Dancing With the Stars Live In Las Vegas cast from 2012. We also think she's done some movies. We’re still not clear on the Cheetah Girls, and we’re not being mean. We honestly don’t know, we’re too busy to research it, and we’re too cheap to hire a research assistant.
5. Hopefully Season 15 will put a stop to the never-ending “She was robbed” nonsense that we’ve been hearing for years. Enough said. Except for “Make It Stop.”
6. She will give Louis Van Amstel a chance to bust out the choreography again. Louis hasn’t been wild and crazy in a while, so why not? He’s not our choice for a pro for her, but he’ll do (assuming he comes with a roll of duct tape for his mouth – details to follow). Had Henry Byalikov been named as her pro, we wouldn't even have to write this blog because we would think that having Sabrina back was a brilliant idea, and we would be doing happy dances all over MacManiaLand.
7. She was the first to suffer from the “I’m so good that nobody votes for me syndrome,” and we can finally see if she’s that good, that popular…or not. Disclaimer: She never said that, but some people hinted - actually declared affirmatively - that she was so good that most people assumed she would go through another week and thus, didn’t vote for her. Doubtful, but that’s what they say.
8. She wants to show Mark Ballas that she doesn’t need him in order to win. Oooh, snarky, but true. Not to gossip or anything but we’re going to anyway - weren’t she and Mark an item when she was on DWTS? We have no idea if this is actually true or not, but it sounds good.
9. Sabrina is ready to go without too much rehearsal time because she has had lots of extra practice since she was in DWTS Live in Las Vegas for 4 months appearing in multiple numbers on a nightly basis. She probably won't even need to warm up. No further explanation needed.
10. If she’s on stage, we don’t have to see her backstage interviews any longer. Not that there’s anything wrong with her backstage interviews, but all that perkiness is exhausting. (We’re actually jealous because we don’t have 1/10 of that energy).
11. She’s blonde, and DWTS needs another blonde. Carson is blonde and more fun than any other blonde, but we’re all about keeping the whipping blonde hair thing going.
There are lots and lots of people who are still holding onto the “she was robbed” business because Sabrina was kicked off in Week 6 of Season 5. We never got that – how could she be robbed? She might have had good scores with Mark, but the fact is that she didn’t get enough votes to keep her on the show. We thought she was good, but never saw anything there that was so far superior to anyone else that the “she was robbed” label was deserved, and frankly, we have gotten really tired of it.
Season 15 was to potentially be a season of ringers, but yet the true ringers aren’t here. Sure we have some winners, runners-up, 3rd place finishers, and Pamela (and now Sabrina) who weren’t even in the finals. Joey was in DWTSLV but he did a couple of dances a night so we don’t think we can give him ringer status - especially since he isn't a dancer by profession (although some of his 'N Sync moves were pretty cool). Sabrina was a dancer before DWTS, and she was one of the stars of DWTSLV for months. Then they threw her, Kyle, and Carson into this fan vote fiasco which meant all of the outraged fans went back in to vote her into this. Frankly, I didn’t care enough to vote because I pretty much knew this was just what ABC wanted. Bring her back to get what is rightfully hers. Yawn.
So here we go – Why Sabrina should not be on DWTS for season 15.
1. She’s cute, perky, and fun – when she isn’t stunned that she could actually be voted off DWTS. Rewind to Season 5, Week 6 – and then fast forward to Season 13 and Kristin Cavallari and her equally “shocking elimination”. Identical expressions of shock. Same partner. A trend here? Enough already. We don’t like that look. It screams, “Everybody said I was really good so I must be really good and why didn’t everybody vote for me?” Answer? Because we were too busy voting for Maks and Mel B.
2. She’s a good dancer. She should be a good dancer. She was a dancer before DWTS and any way you play this, that is an advantage – whether it’s Ballroom, Latin, or the Macarena. Before she was on television, she trained at Hart Academy of Dance in California. Even in a season of All-Stars, the fact remains that she is a trained dancer. That translates into ringer and since she’s been dancing for a living recently (and a good portion of her career), is that fair to the non-dancers? Gilles? Pamela? Drew? Helio? Britsol? Apolo? Nope. It isn’t. Nicole was a ringer, and we didn’t like that either. Sabrina is a ringer anyway you look at it. Her career has revolved around dance.
3. She has a music background, and it’s always fun to see talent like that on DWTS. This usually helps with musicality, rhythm, etc, and it may have helped before but there wasn’t a whole lot of sexy way back in Season 5 when Sabrina and Mark were a team on DWTS. The dances were fast and accurate and technically okay but a little dull so why should it be any different this time? Besides, we’re afraid she’s going to have another cheetah print costume with red trim and that’s just wrong.
4. She’s no stranger to performing and even in a competitive setting she should bring a lot to the show. And there’s the problem. Forget the singing/acting/interviewing skills – she’s a dancer. She was a ringer in Season 5 and she’s even more of a ringer now. But we don’t care too much; there’s a ton of talent on the show this season and even the non-dancers will equalize the ringer factor. But still….
5. If she’s on in Season 15, it will put a stop to the never-ending “She was robbed” nonsense we’ve been hearing for years. Actually we don’t think that will ever stop. If she’s eliminated (regardless of what week), it will be because Louis was her partner instead of Mark, or because Louis was her partner instead of Derek, or because Louis was her partner instead of Maks. Trust me. If she doesn’t win the mirror ball trophy, we will never hear the end of it. Nothing against Sabrina – she’s a sweetheart. It’s all a ploy by the media, and we know it.
6. She will give Louis Van Amstel a chance to bust out the choreography again. About that. Louis needs to keep his mouth shut on occasion. "This is the first season I can knock myself out as a dancer, as a choreographer because she’s so good," Louis said on GMA. "From day one, we are going to knock even our own socks off." Arrogant much, Louis? And you might want to consider how that sounds to your previous partners on DWTS – a bit insulting, don’t you think? That comment from Louis was wrong on a lot of levels. Sabrina has been gracious throughout, but that comment just left us with a sour taste and frankly, after hearing it, we wouldn’t vote for them anyway. This is a team competition, not an individual competition and when one-half of the team can’t shut up, well, it’s just not going to work.
7. She was the first to suffer from the “I’m so good that nobody votes for me syndrome,” and we can finally see if she’s that good, that popular…or not. Whether those are her thoughts and words or those of the media or those of her fans, it’s still the same old song. Same old verse.
8. She wants to show Mark Ballas that she doesn’t need him in order to win. True, but that’s not a reason to leave out other more popular and more entertaining celebrities. Besides with 13 teams that means at least one double elimination week, and those suck. By the way, 13 is also an unlucky number. You don’t want to mess with fate.
9. She is ready to go without too much rehearsal time because she has had lots of extra practice over the last few months since she was in DWTS Live in Las Vegas for 4 months appearing in multiple numbers on a nightly basis. Ding ding ding ding ding! Ringer? Professional dancer? All that drama created by the network is tedious. Sabrina deserves a second chance but only with a cast of ringers, and from what we’ve seen Pamela, Kelly, Bristol, Shawn, Kirstie, Melissa. Drew, Emmitt, Joey, Gilles, Helio, and Apolo are not trained dancers. They might have their own advantages (athletes, music, acting, etc), but this isn’t called “Gymnastics with the Stars,” “Race Helio in the Indy 500 With the Stars”, or “N Sync with the Stars.”
10. If she’s on stage, we don’t have to see her backstage interviews any longer. Not that there’s anything wrong with those, but … well in this case, maybe we’ll get Carson. He’s a blast so for this moment, we’ll say okay with this one as the only reason Sabrina should be on DWTS. We’re logical that way.
11. She’s blonde, and that show needs another blonde – like it needs Kate Gosselin returning. Carson is blonde and more fun than any other blonde, but we’re not all about bringing the whipping blonde hair up to the extent that it has to have its own tv show. Pamela Anderson is the only blonde who should be whipping her hair around – yet we have Sabrina (another whipper), Peta (who has gone from whipping hair to flipping hair), Oksana (the queen of the hair whippers who will blind you if you get too close), Kym (a sometimes hair whipper), Derek (the hair whipping guru), Chelsie (not really a hair whipper, more of a sexy tosser), Shawn (just blonde – no whipping except on special occasions), and a few thousand more. All that blonde hurts our eyes. (It's probably jealousy because neither of us are blonde hair-whippers, but it's our blog and we can say what we want).
There you have it. Our logic-defying reasons why Sabrina should be on Season 15 and why she should not be. You will probably say that it’s a bunch of hooey. Of course it is. It’s all in fun anyway. We gave up being serious about 3 days after this site was published.
So Welcome Back, Kotter! We mean, Welcome Back, Sabrina.