Our Season 17 Random Wish List 1
Season 17 is only, oh, four months away – approximately 120 days – and the speculation has already begun. So we plan to keep you entertained during the next few weeks with our random wish lists. Some are legitimate; some are absurd which means they could, and probably will, become a reality.
Our first random wish list for Season 17 is ridiculous, and we know it. With DWTS you have to maintain a sense of humor, so we decided to mix up the real and the fantasy, the fun and the crazy and give you this. In other words, it’s pretty much a typical cast. It’s also a little on the large side. Remember when the producers decided to create that Season 9 trainwreck with 16 teams (yes, 16) during a three night opening extravaganza, er, mess? It was stupid; it was an epic fail, so we might as well try it again. But we figure as long as there is bedlam, we might as well go big. Let’s cram in 20 couples, a bunch of pro numbers, and an ice cream social into the Monday night show.
We will change up the pros to suit the cast with each wish list, but one thing you can count on is that Tristan MacManus will be included in all of them. The rest? Not so much. Disclaimer: These are by no means our actual wish lists. We will do that later. Right now we’re just messin’ with you.
Fair warning. Tristan is so good that he has two celebrity partners and we don’t care who is a pro, who’s a “should’ve been an All-Star” and who is a big old ringer. It’s our cast list, and we can do what we want. Incidentally, a couple of other pros have two partners too because it’s our fantasy, and that’s what we want. So there.
The Male Celebrities and Their Pros
Antonio Sabato, Jr. - Age 41 - You have to have eye candy so why not him? He used to be on General Hospital like half of the free world and half of the DWTS cast. He’s a beauty, and besides, he has killer dimples. Pair him up with Anna Trebunskaya and watch the chemistry blow up the place. In fact, the promotional photos would probably cause an increase in global warming. We do think that a pre-requisite for this partnership is that they should be permitted to dance the following only: Rumba, Bolero, Lambada, repeat. Nothing else will be necessary, thank you.
Justin Guarini - Age 34 - Talk about a random choice. This is one of those names that just popped into the old noggin for no reason at all other than we were having a random moment, and this is about as random as it gets. Imagine the possibilities with Kelly Clarkson's sidekick in Season 1 of American Idol. Just think of what they could do with that hair. Does he still have the big hair that looks like mine (Shakes) did when my mama gave me a home perm when I was six? Let's hope so. Hair like that tells a story and we would be so distracted by it that we wouldn't know if he could dance or not. But wait. He's a ringer. He and Kelly were in that huge hit "From Justin to Kelly" which yes, we admit to watching. He did some dancin', some singin' and stuff so yeah, ringer. That's okay though. He's kind of cute in an offbeat kind of way. His partner should be the complete opposite and we think that Emma Slater would have had a blast with him. Well, that’s what was going to happen. And yeah, we know that Emma is supposed to be a pro on Strictly Come Dancing in the fall which will screw up everything, but if she gets to do that (and it’s huge for her), then we vote for Oksana Dmytrenko shaking things up with the Guarini. Good grief. Give the woman a chance. She’s endured the troupe for five seasons. It. Is. Time.
Johnny Weir - Age 28 - After Evan Lysacek came oh so close to winning the mirror ball trophy with Anna Trebunskaya in Season 10, Johnny kept mouthing off about how he wanted to be on and how good he would be, so why not? Just think of the fun the costume department will have. Feathers, sequins, fringe and bling will take on an entirely new meaning. His partner? Tough choice, but we're thinking that Sharna Burgess would keep him in line - or not in which case we will have some really good TV.
Joe Manganiello - Age 37 – Yes we realize that this is more purty eye candy but has anyone ever seen this man in a wife beater? He's on the show True Blood and the movie Magic Mike which means that we'll have some drooling women tuning in every week just to see this manly hunk of beefcake. He's a little scruffy too, but he'd polish up real nice. Pair him up with Karina Smirnoff and watch the ballroom heat up fast.
***Random Note - Now that we've got Joe Manganiello and Antonio Sabato Jr. why not just round out the rest of the male celebs with these types for an all out Season 17 Hunkfest? We know, we know. We’re shallow.
Jimmy Osmond - Age 50 – Bad news comes in threes….uh, we mean we would love to see another Osmond on the show. He’s probably a bit of a ringer kind of like his siblings but that’s okay. We didn’t really think Donny was such a great dancer, but there is that crazy fan base, and had Marie not gone all doll crazy she might have given Jonathan a MBT. Just watch social media blow a gasket when yet another Osmond comes onto the show. We think it might be kind of entertaining and well worth it. His partner? Cheryl Burke. She and Jimmy might be kind of fun to watch, and we're actually serious about that.
David Bowie - Age 66 – Why? Because he's awesome, folks. Maybe he's too big of a star to be on the show but since he's always been a tad on the unconventional side of music and fashion, we think it might be cool to see the debonair, ballroom side of Mr. Bowie. In a way he's somewhat of a ringer already. Heck, he's already used to wearing heels so that shows
that he's naturally graceful. Call us crazy, but we think he'd be kind of wicked paired with Chelsie Hightower. That’s one hot mess comin’ right up.
Frankie Avalon – Frankie is 72 and we know ABC wants to "age down" the cast, but we love Frankie. He's cute. He danced on the beach 40 years ago - by the way, when you spend that much time on the beach, how much sand gets into places you don't want it getting into? But that’s another story. We'll cut him a break. He can have a slow first dance. His partner? Somebody who needs to feel the heat of having an older partner, and that is Peta Murgatroyd. Frankie isn’t our first choice because he has a musical background and is in shape (we think), and she’s had the luck of the draw – good grief. Metta World Peace was the only one who didn’t do well, and that’s no surprise. He was, however, in great shape. Since then she has been partners with Donald, Gilles, and Sean – all in great shape, all relatively young, and all with massive fan bases. We would really like to see if she can choreograph and pull this together.
Nameless Celebrity - One of those bearded guys from Duck Dynasty - age unknown. They all look 75 with all of that facial hair and we can't tell any of them apart. But they have huge fan bases and a wildly popular show. Bring back Lacey Schwimmer and pair one of them up with her. It won’t matter who it is. They all look the same.
Peanut Rademacher - age 4 - Why not? He could be the new Disney star, he's a ringer, and he's devilishly handsome. Problem is that he and Len are already buddies so there might be some wonky judging that might stack the deck. His partner? Kym Johnson, of course. And Dad could come back as an added bonus. In fact, we think you should throw Oksana Dmytrenko in there too. They would have a blast.
Gary Busey- Age - who the hell knows...100? Now talk about controversial. He's done the Celebrity Apprentice and Celebrity Rehab, and didn't he also do Celebrity Fit Club? We honestly don’t know, but we do know that no matter what show Gary is on, he's packing some serious crazy in the mix. This is another good match for Peta Murgatroyd. And no, we aren't gunning for her. We just don't want to punish the other pro dancers that we like more.
The Female Celebrities and Their Pros
Amanda Bynes – Age 27 - You know DWTS likes a serving of controversy mixed in with the kind of normal so we might as well stir up a big old trainwreck. The funny thing is that lots of people seriously want her to be on the show. We kind of don’t, but the show always does something we define as “stupid” and this might be it, but what the heck? Let’s see where it goes. Put her with Maks Chmerkovskiy and watch the drama. Just get the popcorn ready because ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to have us a show.
Dina Lohan – Age 50 – Oh my. This relative of a trainwreck (the one not named Amanda) said last season that she wanted to be on DWTS, and she also said that she wanted Maks as her partner. Nothing is that easy, so we say give her to Val Chmerkovskiy. The younger Mr. C has had it way too easy with young, fit, and/or popular partners. Time to mix it up. Let’s see who wears the pants in this relationship. She may be six feet tall and tower over Val, but that shouldn’t bother him; he’s used to it.
*** Another random note: come to think of it, why not just have one season with nothing but trainwreck celebrities? It would be great fun.
Emma Samms – Age 52 - Well we have to have somebody past or present from General Hospital, and she’s a good option. (Besides, we’re saving Finola Hughes for another wish list.) She’s pretty, perky, and fun, and we want to see her dance with Sasha Farber, who just happens to be our favorite of the male troupe members. And he could call her ‘Emma’ because she is Emma just like his girlfriend Emma and that simplifies things a lot.
Mama June – Age 33 – She’d cause such a big stink on the show that we wouldn’t get over it for months because we would love to see such things as a camouflage Cha Cha dress, and of course, her partner would be none other than Mark Ballas. Oh come on. We know this was mean of us, but you don’t seriously think that in our first blog about potential partners that we would pair him up with Katherine Webb or another gymnast, do you?
Debbie Harry - Age 68 - Okay, for 68 years old, this woman is still fierce. We love her to pieces and she's still rockin' the bleached blond hair. We know that Tony always gets the older women but there's a reason for that - he's good with them. So is Tristan, but that’s another story, and we don’t want to go there. There is no doubt in our minds that Debbie Harry would stick around for more than a few weeks. So yep. Her partner will be Tony Dovolani.
Kristi Yamaguchi - Age 42- Now don't go insulting our intelligence by reminding us that she has been on DWTS before. We know that, and we realize that she has already won a mirror ball trophy. We also realize that she should have been an all star so we vote she come in for Season 17. We suggest a re-do of that Toby Keith classic “Should’ve Been A Cowboy” and the opening number will be Kristi and all the hunky men dancing to “Should’ve Been An All Star.” Anyway, she's a beautiful dancer, graceful and everything else. We personally don't think anyone would mind watching her on the show again or voting for her in ridiculously large numbers. This time she's got the best pro in the ballroom, the one pro who had the respect for her to bring her back for Season 17. Want to take a wild guess? The name is MacManus. Tristan MacManus. Can we say MBT on a silver platter, please?
Barbara Walters – Age 83 - Now we know that Derek might not be back (yawn, it's the same old bedtime story - the kind that puts you to sleep - we hear it every season and then, poof! Magic. He's baaack). Anyway, if this is his last hurrah, let's give him the biggest ringer of all. Barbara. She's in great shape. She's 83 years old so the age might offset the ringer factor but she also has a built in fan base like all his partners. Besides, we want to see the Jive in Week 2 and Samba in Week 3. The point is – we want to see Derek have a partner with some sort of physical limitations – somebody who doesn’t have the endurance he’s used to, and somebody who has very strong opinions and just might be a challenge. At least we didn’t pair him up with Mama June. We can just hear it...."And now, doing the Lambada...Barbara Walters and her partner Derek Hough."
Lindsay Lohan – Age 26 – We decided to bring her in to keep mama and Amanda from going over the top on the cray cray. We figure we would hook her up with none other than Henry Byalikov because there’s nothing like trial by fire, and whoa baby, this would be a big old trial. We love Henry, and he wants to be a pro, so here’s his chance.
Miss Cleo – Age 50 – She can do Tarot readings. She can tell us before things really get going who is going to win. She can tell us who is leaving each week so we can turn off the tv as soon as the dancing is finished. She can dance. Uh, well, we don’t know about that but as long as we’re going for the oddball choices, we vote that ABC brings her on and pairs her up with Derek, who like Tristan, could easily handle two celebrities. Barbara Walters/Miss Cleo. Imagine the backstage footage. Imagine the backstage confessionals. Imagine the Country Two-Step. Hey, they did that one back in Season 9 - why not now?
Julianne Hough – Age 24 – Well, okay, she’s WAS a pro on DWTS but we decided Tristan needs a ringer. A young ringer, and who better than Julianne? Technically she’s not a dancer anymore – she’s an actress so she’s not really a ringer. Yeah, we can convince ourselves of anything, all right.. It would be great fun and they could clean up the competition. In other words, a Slam Dunk. The likelihood of this fantasy scenario is about as likely as our Kristi Yamaguchi/Tristan scenario but hey we can dream.
Yeah, we’re just kidding about most of these – an auspicious beginning to our off seasons wish lists. More to come very soon as the speculation gets out of control which means so wi we.