We are big on lists around here. We're also tired of waiting around for confirmation that Tristan will be a Season 17 pro, so we decided to work up our list of reasons why Tristan needs to be a pro on Season 17 of the new and revamped Dancing With the Stars. Maybe we will send these to ABC. Anyway, here (in no particular order) are our top 10 reasons why Tristan should be a returning pro.
1. Because the ozone layer won’t be further endangered due to the excessive use of hair products. Bedhead requires nothing to keep it looking that way.
2. We can expand our vocabulary and impress a lot of people with how cool we are when we say stuff like “craic, lie-in," and "keep schtum,” and then we can be all philosophical and intellectual when we end a sentence with a casual shrug and, “It is what it is.”
3. The costume department can reduce its budget because if Tristan has his way, jeans would be fine for all performances. No see-through silk shirts that have to be a pain in the rear to make, no sparkles to dirty up the place and get stuck behind your contact lenses,and no chaps because that’s what everybody wears on DWTS after all.
4. The ladies love him. The men too. Besides, science needs his return. The MacManiacs have had a rough year and all of that pent-up energy that was reserved for voting is about ready to explode, so who knows what would happen if that energy continues to build up? We’re thinking an eruption like Mount Vesuvius would pale in comparison. There is a geology lesson in there somewhere and a physics lesson too. (Volcano studies = geology. Potential energy and all the laws of physics crap = physics.) The bottom line is that Tristan's return to DWTS is for the good of science.
5. Somebody needs to realize that see-through silk shirts are so 1980s (or worse, 1970s), and it’s time to man up. Tristan is the voice of reason because he is the only pro not to have succumbed to the see-through silk shirt trend. The next thing you know those guys will be wearing turquoise jewelry and platform shoes and doing their best Travolta imitation from Saturday Night Fever or even worse, Derek and Val will come down the stairs and exclaim, “We are two wild and crazy guys….” [for those of you too young to understand – Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd – SNL in the 70s). The fact is that it just doesn't work anymore and see-through silk as well as cheap polyester imitations are not legitimate fashion statements.
6. He’s the host with the most, the comedian with the best jokes, and the entertainer of the year. If you have doubts, just ask anybody who saw Life’s A Dance or Ballroom With A Twist. The man knows how to work it.
7. Speaking of working it, think of the following: Samba. Hips.
8. It’s illegal that in four pro seasons, Tristan has yet to dance any of the following dances with his celebrity partner: Argentine Tango, Viennese Waltz, Salsa, Bolero, or Lambada. To avoid legal ramifications, that should be rectified immediately. It's also illegal that he has never, not once, had an encore dance. Shame on ABC for that.
9. He needs to make it to the finals so that the freestyle decisions are left up to us. He said so. Well, at least he said something like that in our last interview when he said, “I will know the freestyle when I have to do the freestyle, but I’ll take suggestions, ha!” Yep, it sounds like we get to choose it. He will be Elvis, he will invite the rest of us to dance with him and his celebrity – much as Derek and Shawn had half of the Olympic Team dancing with them. We will be amazing. Oh, the dungeon will probably have to be a no-carb zone for a few months, but we'll manage to be in fighting condition by then.
10. The most important reason why Tristan has to be a Season 17 pro? If he isn’t, every damn one of us will chuck a sicky. Guaranteed. Right in front of the DWTS studios.